Wednesday, June 13, 2018

150

I've made 150 (actually 151) alcohol free days this year.  The goal was to be 100%.  It didn't happen, but that's okay.  I'm making great progress and that's all I'm focusing on for the moment.  It's getting easier, I don't think about drinking all the time.  I don't fight cravings everyday.  I don't feel sorry for myself, that I don't drink (much). 

I'm moving forward and that's all that matters to me.

Saturday, June 9, 2018

Weekends are still Triggers

I'm doing well.  I haven't drank, nor do I really want to, but...

Weekends are hardest to let go of the "fantasy of drinking for fun."  I always drank on the weekends, but summer weekends where the best.  Longer days, more time to go out and about, stop at favorite watering holes, hanging out with friends, the memories are good.  But I have to remember, they are only, that, memories.

The last few years of drinking were not about drinking only on the weekends.  I drank at home, with my husband, but I would drink more than him, always.  It got to the point where I drank until I passed out.  I never wanted to go out on weekend nights.  I only wanted to get my fix of alcohol, sit in front of the T.V. and drink the night away.  My husband didn't like this, but he couldn't do anything about it.  It was the way it was, selfish of me I know.

Now, we do more activities outside the home on weekends.  I don't mind staying out late, doing whatever we choose to do that day.  It's a change for the better.

It's just a passing urge, to think I could go back to drinking a cold beer on a nice sunny day.  It's not hard today, to say no to a beer.  For that I am grateful.



Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Reflections on One Year of Blogging

One year ago I started this blog.  In a way, it seems so long ago.  I started this blog for all the same/similar reasons most of us do, to stop drinking.  To stop the madness and despair drinking had come to be in my life.  In the past year, I've written my story of how I got here, what my behavior had been during the downhill slide to drinking too much, relationships with some of my closes family members regarding my drinking, etc., and my struggles to stay sober.  Reading back over the year, I can say I've grown.  I have not gone alcohol free in the past year, but since the start of 2018, I've done really well.  Only drank 11 days, for which I'm not proud, nor to I condone to be the right thing to have done, but it's a damn good stretch for me!  I have a ways to go, to keep pushing myself in the right direction, to never want to drink again.  I am getting there.

The second half of the year, can I do it, can I hold strong and not slip up, can I?  The answer should be YES, the answer can be YES, but will I do it?  I feel stronger.  I've stepped up using more sober tools to help me (current one is holding on to DoneWithMyWineHabit's virtual hand).  But the most important shift has been my mindset.  I've slipped, but I've gotten up and brushed myself off and realized what the secret is to win over this battle of mine.

"The secret of change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old but on building the new." - Socrates

It's been hard, it's been a challenge, it's not been easy, but here's to my continued construction of life without alcohol!

For all of you out there, hang on, keep trying, never give up; life is better sober.  Don't beat yourself up if you don't quit on your first try, love the fact you want to quit.  Focus on the new!

Sunday, May 27, 2018

Memorial Weekend

Sunday morning and all is quiet and peaceful.  I slept pretty well, but at one point woke up at 12:30am (I had went to bed at 8:30pm) and decided to clean out a junk drawer.  Completed that task and went back to bed and fell asleep.  Mission accomplished.

This has been a good month, even though I gave in and drank.  I'm not angry or ashamed at myself.  I am disappointed I broke my long streak, but I cannot say I'm unhappy about it all.  Let me share.

My last blog was about going to visit my mother-in-law.  All and all it wasn't as difficult as it could have been, given past episodes, so why I decided to have a glass of beer with dinner on Saturday night I can't explain other than to say I wanted to.  The next morning, we took my mother-in-law out for breakfast, and there was a long, long wait for a table.  While waiting, a waiter came out and offered what I thought was orange juice, turned out to be a mimosa.  I ended up drinking it during our wait for a table and during our breakfast.  Which means I sipped it for more than an hour.  That was the extent of my drinking for Mother's Day weekend.

The following Wednesday my husband and me went to San Francisco for a mini trip.  We stayed four nights and flew out early Sunday morning.  We had a great time but I did drink the four days straight we were there.  It wasn't planned.  I drank during happy hours primarily.  First day, 4 glasses of champagne; second day, four glasses of beer; third day too much, three beers at the pub, glass of wine at dinner and two beers back at the hotel.  When I opened the second beer at the hotel, my husband pointed out I was over doing it.  I was, and I knew this was bound to happen.  Of course I knew it, I have a problem with alcohol.  Just because I haven't drank in such a long time, doesn't mean I'm a normal drinker.  There was more beer to drink in our room, but somehow I didn't continue drinking.  Needless to say, I did have a hangover the following morning (I did get up at 4:30 am to watch some of the royal wedding, until my husband asked me to turn off my cell phone), but it wasn't one where I was sick to the gills.  Saturday ended up a good day, as we rode the local transportation all over the city, saw different neighboorhoods and places.  I did have three beers that afternoon and dinner shortly after, back to the room and in bed by 9pm, as we had to get up at 4am the next morning.  All in all a good trip.  And for me, drinking didn't interrupt or take away from the trip.  Well, except for feeling somewhat rough Saturday morning.  But I won't say it ruined the trip.  So what does it all mean for me, giving in to drinking this time?  That I'm a failure?  I'm less than? There's something wrong with me?

I'm human.  I make mistakes.  I fail at times.  Yes, I know drinking isn't something I do well.  Yes, I know it's something I don't need in my life.  Yes, not drinking is the right thing for me to do.  This is my journey, I'm am not condoning what I did is right for others.  But I won't beat myself up because I don't feel like I should.  I don't feel guilty. 

I haven't drank since I got back.  I haven't felt the urge to. I don't plan to. I don't want to.

Today is day 147 of the year.  I've not drank 137 of them.  Something I'm very proud of accomplishing.  I haven't thrown in the towel.  I believe in me.

Happy Memorial Weekend to All!


Saturday, May 12, 2018

Mother's Day Weekend

It's early Saturday morning and I need to get ready to go visit my mother-in-law for the weekend.  She's lives a couple hours away from me.  My husband is her only child.  We don't see her often, but given it's Mother's Day, we try to make a point of seeing her on this day, at the sacrifice of seeing my mother (but my mom is understanding about it).

Being around my mother-in-law is a trigger point for drinking.  I've always drank around her.  Why, to stifle the annoyance of being around her.  She's a tough cookie.  My husband and her have a love-hate relationship and I've always felt caught in the middle of their "issues".  It's too long of a story to explain the why, etc.  Let just say, I don't fully understand it, as my relationship with my mother is totally different.  Last time we visited her was on her birthday this past January, I did manage not to drink and that was in my early stages of trying to get sober.

While I feel strong about avoiding the "drink" around her, I'm still a bit itchy.  The only thing I can do, is not scratch the itch, right?

Happy Mother's Day to all you lovely mom's out there!

Thursday, May 10, 2018

125

Short & Simple

The cravings haven't been too bad at all.  I'm doing well.  I'm sober today.

Saturday, May 5, 2018

120

One hundred and twenty days alcohol free!  Sober for almost most of the year!!  While I did have a few days where I did drink, and one of those days very bad, I feel such a sense of achievement I'm here at all.  It's been a challenge.  It hasn't been easy.  I've wanted to give up entirely.  What has kept me going is faith & trust that true contentment, peace and freedom are around the corner.   Many of you wonderful people in this sober-sphere have shared this over and over, it's just has to be true.  There are some, who do differ with this, but the majority say it worth every ounce of effort to get sober for good.

I do believe that, even when I have my worse days of fighting the self-talk to just drink, damn it!

I AM WORTH THE FIGHT!