Friday, September 7, 2018

Good, better than Bad, but not Great

Odd title for this blog post today, I know, but that's about how I feel at the moment.  It's about how I've felt since coming back from visiting my daughter in Germany.  A little melancholy, lonely, unfilled, blah.  I don't write often on the drama going on in my life here in this blog, because I wanted to keep the focus on my sober journey.  But life happens, with its ups and downs, and it contributes to my efforts of staying sober.  I'm not drinking to excess at all, but I have had a few beers here and there.  I did drink wine once, three glasses and I felt bad.  I didn't get drunk, nor do anything stupid or ugly, but as wine was (is) my worse enemy, I let myself down by drinking it.  Even my husband, who I've written about being less than enthusiastic about this journey I'm on, said I worked so hard to get away from the wine, that why do it now?  He thinks the beer drinking here and there is fine, because it doesn't affect me the same way a bottle of wine does, that's another story in itself, but he's right about the wine, why bother?  I realize I'm writing this because it could tip me to start drinking more and more, when what I want to do was stop.  There's a little more than 100 days left in the year.  I want to finish the year off with no drinking, then I'll worry about 2019. 

It's time to readjust my mind set and move forward once again!  Wish me luck.

Thursday, August 23, 2018

56

Recently returned from my vacation in Germany and I feel great!  My daughter married a man in the British army, and he's stationed in Gutersloh, Germany.  Beautiful place.  I hadn't seen my daughter since November last year.  I enjoyed all that we did together, traveling to Hamburg, Kolin, Frankfurt, and Holland.  I turned 56 during this trip and I'm planning for this year in my life to be even better than my 55th year!

Did I drink on this trip?  Yes.  But not to excess, nor every day.  I'm going to finish this month with little drinking, if any.  September I plan to not drink at all.  In fact, seeing Groundhog Girl, Ginger, back blogging, has inspired me to step up my game.  If I don't drink the rest of the year, it will be something!

Welcome back Ginger.  I missed you.

Saturday, August 4, 2018

190

I have 190 days alcohol free this year!  I meant to never drink again, and that may be the case further down the road, but for now, I'm content, at peace, and at a better place then I was two years ago.  I won't pretend I've conquered the addition of alcohol, because there have been times, where the switch "turns on" and there no stopping the next drink.  Knowing this keeps me on my toes.  At times, I sometimes think of myself as a failure, because I have drank this year, but I'm in control of my thoughts.  I'm not a failure, I'm a work in progress!  And yes, less is more!!

Monday, July 23, 2018

Doing Well

July has been so HOT here in southern California.  Our air conditioning broke two days ago, and here I sit waiting for the technician to finish installing a whole new system, a multi thousand dollar job.  But you know what, it's all good.  I have an emergency fund for things like this, I've prepared.  Of course I wish I didn't have to spend money on this kind of stuff, but life happens. I'm lucky, really, because I will have nice cool air soon.  I can't wait.

So on the drinking front, I have to say, I've enjoyed beer this month.  I don't feel bad about it, as I haven't drank to numb or chase things away from my life.  It's just been so good, a few cold beers, well a couple times I drank 5 beers, but through out an afternoon and evening.  It been six times I've drank this month, and I may drink one more time this month, as the our local, chili cook-off is this weekend.  Will I go back to daily drinking, wine being the beast it's been to me?  I don't think so.  My mind set is different, I'm content, grateful, appreciative and at peace with myself.  I know this may backfire on me, and I'm taking a chance going backwards, I am taking a big risk, but I am happy.

I have this blog to keep me on my toes, only for myself.  Staying honest about this whole journey is important.  I was in such a ugly, bad place three years ago, when I first came across the blog world, looking for help.  Now, I feel so much better where I am at, I don't want to go back to where I was three years ago.

So, I shall keep trying, less drinking days next month for sure.




Saturday, June 30, 2018

165 Days

As of today, I have one hundred and sixty five days alcohol free this year!  I started this blog last year to stop drinking 100%.  I haven't managed that, yet.  What I have managed to do is move in the right direction and I'm proud of myself for doing so.  The few times this year when I got drunk (not every time I drank this year did I get drunk, I actually had times where it was one drink, two) I hated myself and felt such shame and guilt.  It wasn't worth it, but like a stubborn child, I wanted my "candy".

The times I over did it, were always at home, when I felt I deserved time to let go.  Thinking like that always led to too much.  Always.  What were the triggers?  Doesn't matter.  What matters is I know what's to follow when I drink, especially when I am at home. What matters is to not drink.

It's getting better.  I'm feeling better.

For those of you who want to know the math, as of today there have been 180 days this year, so I've drank 15 times, five of which were over-the-top too much.  Live and Learn.

Too all my American bloggers, Happy Fourth of July!  Let Freedom Ring!!

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

150

I've made 150 (actually 151) alcohol free days this year.  The goal was to be 100%.  It didn't happen, but that's okay.  I'm making great progress and that's all I'm focusing on for the moment.  It's getting easier, I don't think about drinking all the time.  I don't fight cravings everyday.  I don't feel sorry for myself, that I don't drink (much). 

I'm moving forward and that's all that matters to me.

Saturday, June 9, 2018

Weekends are still Triggers

I'm doing well.  I haven't drank, nor do I really want to, but...

Weekends are hardest to let go of the "fantasy of drinking for fun."  I always drank on the weekends, but summer weekends where the best.  Longer days, more time to go out and about, stop at favorite watering holes, hanging out with friends, the memories are good.  But I have to remember, they are only, that, memories.

The last few years of drinking were not about drinking only on the weekends.  I drank at home, with my husband, but I would drink more than him, always.  It got to the point where I drank until I passed out.  I never wanted to go out on weekend nights.  I only wanted to get my fix of alcohol, sit in front of the T.V. and drink the night away.  My husband didn't like this, but he couldn't do anything about it.  It was the way it was, selfish of me I know.

Now, we do more activities outside the home on weekends.  I don't mind staying out late, doing whatever we choose to do that day.  It's a change for the better.

It's just a passing urge, to think I could go back to drinking a cold beer on a nice sunny day.  It's not hard today, to say no to a beer.  For that I am grateful.