Black Friday

Yesterday, my company laid off a couple people, cut some positions to half-time, and lowered salaries for others.  I was fortunate, as I was not affected.  However, after my supervisor explained all the changes to take place, the last thing he shared, was I would have to move from my current desk location to another one.  I currently work in a space which has floor to ceiling glass sliding doors that look out to the Pacific ocean.  The new location, one which recently became vacant, is in a dark, no windows three-walled cubicle.  Reason for the move, I talk too much and my voice carries.  I've been told, by him prior, I talk too much, but I've always argued that I don't agree.  I'm social, I do talk, but I don't at the point of hurting my or other's' work.  People don't avoid me, or put earbuds in their ears when I approach, etc.  People like to talk to me.  In fact, three months prior I was given a promotion (unfortunately, no pay increase to support the added responsibilities).  When I said I didn't want to move, he said I had to, as he spoke to me about this before.  Which is true.  What was more hurtful this time, was he said a number of people (4 and our company only has 21 people, well now it will be less) spoke to him about my talking, saying I was disturbing them, and doors had to be shut because of my talking.  I asked for names, and he gave them to me.  I was surprised by this, as I never sensed anything from anyone of these people, nor did I ever noticed doors closing around me.

Given what happened to others, I felt petty feeling bad about my situation, but it did not take away the hurt, demoralizing feelings.  I've worked at this job for four years now, and talking in the offices is frown by a few people, specifically my boss.  He rarely comes out of his office, and he's known for his cynical attitude, so not many chat with him.  In fact, I've been credited for working with him, as well as I can, given his demeanor.  The first two years were very hard, but I thought I finally got to a place where I fit in.  Now I don't feel that way any longer.  I need to let these feelings go, and just accept the situation.  If I want it to be different, I need to look for another job.  Something I think I'll do.

For a brief moment, driving home yesterday, I wanted to drink to numb my feelings.  I was angered, masking my hurt, and drinking seemed the thing to do, but I got home and thought, "Don't make things worse."  Because even though for a brief moment, the pain would subside, all I would ultimately do is make matters worse.  I don't want to do that to myself.  So I didn't drink.  Something positive, something very positive to hold on to, given what I'm feeling for now.

A side note, my sister is on Day 6.  It's very hard, as we all know, and this is the longest she's been without alcohol and/or pot in ages.  For this I'm grateful.

So in the scheme of things, my life isn't awful or bad; but I'm still human, so I'll get hurt from time-to-time.  I know this is part of life.  Just wish I could let it go sooner, rather than later...

My Sister

My sister's long time partner (20 years +) called me Monday evening to tell me my sister is out of control.  (This man has never called me for anything, we aren't close.)  She's drinking to the point of damaging ALL.  I know my sister drinks too much, in fact, I've drank with her way too many times to count.  When I started this blog, I let my sister know so she could follow me, if she wanted.  She's been supportive ALL the way with my decision to quit.  This has made her think about her own issues with alcohol, but I now know, it's also pushed her to stop sharing with me her fears about her own drinking and many other problems she going through right now.  Getting this phone call from her significant other was scary, as he shared he's at his wits end, and wants to walk away from it all.  I can't, and won't, blame him for feeling this way, but it hurts to think my sister will be left alone in this state.  I asked him if he was okay with me letting my sister know he called me to discuss this problem.  He said, "that's why I called you."

I did call my sister, but she didn't answer.  I texted her and she said she was busy and would call me soon, she hasn't as of this writing.  For the moment, all I know is, I'm here to support her however I can~BUT, I cannot make her stop drinking.  This I know for a fact.

So, I've sent her numerous texts, telling her I love her, she's not alone and "you can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending." C.S. Lewis.

I need to stay strong for the both of us right now.  I need to be the BIG sister and show her the way by my actions and examples.  She deserves that and more.

Hurricane Irma

Sunday morning and all I've been listening to, reading and watching is the major storm taking place in Florida (actually been paying attention since Saturday night).  Between the Houston flooding, Mexico earthquake and this hurricane I feel like "Mother Earth" is saying enough with you insensitive human beings!

But I also feel like this is a sign for me as well.  The past year and a half, I've been trying to stop drinking for good.  My inner turmoil with drinking felt like all three of these episodes happening right now.  The degree of angst was extremely high.  While I'm not 100% sober, meaning I had a lapse last month after a good start, I'm back on track.  I don't want to have raging emotions concerning drinking to be part of my life anymore.  I don't want to self-destruct.  I want peace.

Please keep all the people in the world, who have or are dealing with these catastrophic events, in your prayers.  I cannot image what they are going through, but I know they will need as much help and support they can get.  My heartfelt prayers to them all.

Yeah for September!

I'm back on track, feeling pretty good this time about NOT drinking.  Instead of feeling sorry for myself, that I cannot drink, I'm feeling positive that I won't drink.  I know drinking isn't ALL fun, especially when one doesn't know how to drink moderately like myself.  It's a good thing to not "want" to drink, only took me 25 years to figure out!

I wish I was a better writer, more engaging, etc., but I'm not, so head over to Mummy was a Secret Drinker's blog and read her latest post:

5 Reasons Why September is a Great Month to Quit Drinking

And may I add a 6th reason, you'll love yourself more for it!

Thank you Mummy!!