Failure

I don't post as often as when I started this blog two years ago, mainly, because I haven't been able to quit drinking for good.  When I read back to some of my earlier post, the sentiments and feelings are the same, so why repeat them again.

I'm feeling sorry for myself.  I'm my own worse enemy in this battle to get sober.  For a while, I was content to know I got better with my alcohol problem, meaning, I was drinking less, not as frequent, etc.  All true; but I've flat-lined into a place of steady drinking.

I may not drink for two/three days, then drink a few beers, then after two weeks, I crack that bottle of wine and all bets are off.  If I compare myself to others, I can justify my problem isn't so bad.  Of course, this has kept me where I'm at now.  However, "the problem" drinking too much, is still "the problem."

The problem won't go away until I no longer drink, EVER!

I know I haven't exhausted all avenues of help.  I've not gone to an AA meeting since last year sometime.  I haven't told everyone I know, I have a severe alcohol problem.  I haven't tried checking into an out-patient type service.  Knowing all this, only contributes to my sense of failure to get sober.

I so wanted to be like a number of people in the blog sphere, getting sober on their own.
Then telling everyone, "I did it!".

I not going to give into this failure.  I'm getting ready to start AGAIN.  Fellow bloggers, "S is for",
Putting Down the Drink", and "Tipsy no More" have repeatedly said, "never give up, giving up". How I hold on to those words.

Lastly, my sober buddy, "Habit", is helping me, even if it doesn't seem like I'm making progress.

No one said it would be easy.  But many have said it would be the best thing ever.  I believe it.

I feel a bit better.

Simple isn't easy...

I'm doing okay, but not anywhere near where I want to be with my drinking problem.  I've managed not to get disgustingly drunk, thank goodness, but I've continued to drink here and there.  A lot of family drama is playing out in my world right now, and I'm soothing myself with drinking beer.  I've only drank wine three times since Easter.  Wine wrecks havoc, while beer just numbs.  I don't pretend that drinking beer is the right thing to do, but it doesn't cause the same issues as wine does.  I am wavering, trying to get back on track, and I will.   One area in my life where I do well is with finances, money.  I read a blog by Trent Hamm, "The Simple Dollar" faithfully.  His perspective on money management is something I can relate to.  He wrote a blog on June 18th titled, "The Simple Dollar", is not, "The Easy Dollar".  It hit me, how much it can relate to drinking, here's a portion of the article:

1. Start now, not later.
Spend less today. Not tomorrow. Today.
Make the things you need to do to make this your new life pattern your highest priority for the next few days.
Don’t shy away from giant steps, but remember that little steps are successes, too.

2. Remove temptations from your regular environment.
Delete your passwords and credit cards from websites.
Avoid places where you might be tempted to spend money.
Don’t carry cash or credit cards with you unless you intend to spend.

3. Establish fresher routines for your day-to-day life.
Purchase more energy-efficient devices when it’s time for replacement.
Find the most efficient commute.
Renegotiate your bills.

4. Don’t get hung up on individual mistakes; instead, focus on a new day.
Recognize always that one misstep does not mean the end of your progress.
Spend time figuring out why you made that misstep and don’t just merely excuse it.
Focus on today and tomorrow – only use the past and far future as inspiration until you’ve mastered your new habits.

5. Schedule treats.
Give yourself a certain amount of room and freedom for spontaneity.
Choose “time” splurges rather than “money” splurges.
Enjoy the anticipation and the afterglow.

This is so true, on point.  Why I'm still struggling with drinking is because I haven't really followed these points.  But, I'm still trying to do so; I'm still not giving up to let the drink be a thing of the past.  Really, I'm not.

Two Years Trying

Today is the second year anniversary of this blog.  This time last year, I wrote on how grateful I was for changing the course of my drinking.  I still haven't managed to be 100% sober.  I have improved significantly from 2015, but I still have work to do.  After my last post, I was so happy with my continued progress, and then I fell.  Since Easter, I've only drank twice, but one of those times was a whopper of an episode.  Let's just say, I cannot continue to pretend I can control drinking when it suits me.  I may share what happened on Friday, May 24th, down the road, but for now, let's just say, "I hope I learned another lesson."  A lesson that has (and is) keeping me pretty strong to stay the course.

I will not give up, "trying to give up for good"!