It's early here, just before 8am and it is raining hard. I've been up for awhile listing to it raining, feeling the beauty of it, as it cleanses the earth. How I wish I had an internal washing away of the thoughts to drink. Someday, they will no longer call; for now, I have to hold on to the belief that it will stop. And it will.
Today is Thanksgiving in the US; time to be with family and friends, to be grateful and giving to all. In a way, it's sad, because the focus of this day should be on everyday, not just today, but that's another issue altogether. I am grateful and thankful for all I have in my life, the good, bad and ugly. So for all those in the US who maybe reading this, have a wonderful Thanksgiving day!
For those outside the US, those reading and sharing my story/journey, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! Your support is more than appreciated; it's what true Thanksgiving means.
Now I am off to get ready for the day. I hope I don't get a turkey/mash potato/pumpkin pie hangover tomorrow!!
Thursday, November 28, 2019
Tuesday, November 26, 2019
Day 9 - Self-Talk
I made it through the weekend!
Trying again, I realized I needed to change my frame of mind. I needed to stop thinking about why I can't drink, and think about why I don't want to drink. Of course I've known this all along, but this time it's sinking into my brain; it's working!!
I need to think/focus on the things I gain by not drinking. Better sleep, clearer skin, no empty calories consumed, no hangovers, no blackouts, etc., but mainly, no shame and/or guilt.
I want peace, more than I want to have that sweet spot of alcohol influence daze. Understand, if I could have that dazed/buzzed/good feeling without harm to my body/brain/soul, I would continue drinking. It doesn't work that way, as we all know.
This time around will be different. Not easier, but with a new frame of thinking "IT IS WORTH IT"!
Trying again, I realized I needed to change my frame of mind. I needed to stop thinking about why I can't drink, and think about why I don't want to drink. Of course I've known this all along, but this time it's sinking into my brain; it's working!!
I need to think/focus on the things I gain by not drinking. Better sleep, clearer skin, no empty calories consumed, no hangovers, no blackouts, etc., but mainly, no shame and/or guilt.
I want peace, more than I want to have that sweet spot of alcohol influence daze. Understand, if I could have that dazed/buzzed/good feeling without harm to my body/brain/soul, I would continue drinking. It doesn't work that way, as we all know.
This time around will be different. Not easier, but with a new frame of thinking "IT IS WORTH IT"!
Friday, November 22, 2019
Day 5 - Breakfast of Champions
Start of the fifth day, knowing I won't drink today. I have no doubts. Today I will be free of alcohol.
With that being said, I decided as I was doing so well (for me) I would treat myself to a doughnut. As I hadn't eaten breakfast yet, I also decided to eat 10 pieces of chicken nuggets from Burger King. I ordered a coffee, black. To top it off, I needed a packet of honey mustard sauce to dip the nuggets before munching away. Oh, and I didn't stop with one doughnut, I always bought six doughnut holes, 3 glazed and 3 with sprinkles. I do not feel guilty about this one bit.
There are far worse things I could put in my body, and we all know what I'm referring to.
I feel good!
With that being said, I decided as I was doing so well (for me) I would treat myself to a doughnut. As I hadn't eaten breakfast yet, I also decided to eat 10 pieces of chicken nuggets from Burger King. I ordered a coffee, black. To top it off, I needed a packet of honey mustard sauce to dip the nuggets before munching away. Oh, and I didn't stop with one doughnut, I always bought six doughnut holes, 3 glazed and 3 with sprinkles. I do not feel guilty about this one bit.
There are far worse things I could put in my body, and we all know what I'm referring to.
I feel good!
Wednesday, November 20, 2019
Challenges
Today at work, there was a celebration for a co-worker who hit the 20 year mark! We all went to lunch; cocktails where ordered along with lunch. I didn't feel antsy or uncomfortable not ordering a drink, and decided on a mock-tail. Cranberry juice with soda water and some other ingredient. Slice of line added to the lip of the glass. It was a very good drink, but not something I would pay for myself. How this drink could be $7, I'll never know, but when the company picks up the tab, well...
The event was nice, beside the one drink, no one ordered another. I knew no one would, because when we've gone out like this for lunch, one drink is the maximum anyone orders. Right thing to do, really, as going back to work, who wants to be buzzed? Well, not true, I'm sure a few would have liked to get buzz, but the stigma of drinking too much at lunch is now the norm.
Anyway, on our way back to work, I was talking away, joking, and someone said, "what was in your drink?", and I smiled and said, "double shot of cranberry juice". Everyone laughed; I thought, really, I'm seem a "little too happy"?
Well, image what another mock-tail would have done!
Day 3 almost over, and I feeling very happy indeed!
The event was nice, beside the one drink, no one ordered another. I knew no one would, because when we've gone out like this for lunch, one drink is the maximum anyone orders. Right thing to do, really, as going back to work, who wants to be buzzed? Well, not true, I'm sure a few would have liked to get buzz, but the stigma of drinking too much at lunch is now the norm.
Anyway, on our way back to work, I was talking away, joking, and someone said, "what was in your drink?", and I smiled and said, "double shot of cranberry juice". Everyone laughed; I thought, really, I'm seem a "little too happy"?
Well, image what another mock-tail would have done!
Day 3 almost over, and I feeling very happy indeed!
Monday, November 18, 2019
Today Has Been A Good Day
I't late afternoon. I am doing okay.
I have no cravings or thoughts of drinking; doubt I'll have any later through the rest of the day.
My mindset is in a good place.
I don't want to drink.
A very good thing.
I have no cravings or thoughts of drinking; doubt I'll have any later through the rest of the day.
My mindset is in a good place.
I don't want to drink.
A very good thing.
Sunday, November 17, 2019
Tomorrow...
is a new day; an exciting day; a day where I'm going to make a fantastic new beginning, a fresh start!
Friday, November 15, 2019
Goodbyes
My daughter left last night, back to Germany and her hubby. I miss her already. She's lived aboard for 2 years now, and I've gotten used to her being away. When she first left, I cried and cried. I felt the change in our relationship, by her marrying and moving so far away, would end our closeness. It didn't. We are as close as ever. She plans to move back to the USA soon. I can't wait for that day!
A few people have died unexpectedly this year, my step-father, my boss, and the son of a very good friend. Even, just two days ago, a co-workers little dog (only had him a year) died. While I don't mourn for the dog per-say, I do feel for my co-worker, as she is very upset and sad. I'm getting at an age where people passing and me having to saying goodbye to them is reality. We all die, but we don't think about it much, until we have quite a few years under our belts. The hard part, is when people leave unexpectedly and/or at young age, which was the case with my three deaths this year.
I didn't get to say goodbye to any of them, and it makes me feel lost. I choose to believe they have gone on to where all of us do when we pass, into our loved ones minds and hearts.
And so, in a couple days, I'm saying GOODBYE to alcohol. This goodbye has been long in coming, too long in fact. This goodbye, is a needed goodbye. While I'm a little scared, I more so happy for it to finally be here! Really I am.
So goodbyes this year have been plenty for me, in many ways.
The most important and best one is just a couple days away.
I am ready.
Hello sobriety! Here I come!!
A few people have died unexpectedly this year, my step-father, my boss, and the son of a very good friend. Even, just two days ago, a co-workers little dog (only had him a year) died. While I don't mourn for the dog per-say, I do feel for my co-worker, as she is very upset and sad. I'm getting at an age where people passing and me having to saying goodbye to them is reality. We all die, but we don't think about it much, until we have quite a few years under our belts. The hard part, is when people leave unexpectedly and/or at young age, which was the case with my three deaths this year.
I didn't get to say goodbye to any of them, and it makes me feel lost. I choose to believe they have gone on to where all of us do when we pass, into our loved ones minds and hearts.
And so, in a couple days, I'm saying GOODBYE to alcohol. This goodbye has been long in coming, too long in fact. This goodbye, is a needed goodbye. While I'm a little scared, I more so happy for it to finally be here! Really I am.
So goodbyes this year have been plenty for me, in many ways.
The most important and best one is just a couple days away.
I am ready.
Hello sobriety! Here I come!!
Monday, November 11, 2019
Year Two - Until I'm Broken
I've been trying years to stop drinking. I started blogging in 2016 and gained some momentum, but haven't been able to quit 100%. I'm going to give it another shot, starting Monday, November 18th. It is such a joke, waiting for another weekend to pass before trying again, but that is the way of an addictive mind. I feel ready this time. I know it will be a challenge, but it can be done.
I was feeling really good there for awhile. I had reached my 30 day challenge with my sober buddy back in late April. I continued for a couple more days with no drink, when I decided (unwisely) to drink for Memorial weekend. The goal was to enjoy some drinks, here and there, and start another long stretch of no drinking come Monday, May 27th.
The ugly details, I drank a whole bottle of wine on an empty stomach that Friday night, within two and a half hours, before heading out to dinner. All I remember of the evening, is sitting at the table looking down at another glass of wine. The next morning, before the sun even came up, my husband asked if I remembered the evening. Oh know, here we go..."no". He asked, "how do you feel?" I didn't have a hangover, but I felt sluggish and stiff. He then said, go look at yourself in the mirror. As soon as he said that, I felt my forehead and felt the bump. I decided to go back to sleep. I didn't want to confront myself by going to look at myself in the mirror. At 10 am, I opened my eyes and decided to go face the mirror. What I saw wasn't pretty. I had blacked out at dinner. My husband said I was drunk and slurring my words, but I ate and managed to get to the truck to go home. Once in the garage, as I was getting out of the truck, I fell and smacked my head/face into the garage floor. I had bruises and a cut nose. It wasn't a pretty site. I had never done something like this to myself before (well, not to this degree), AND I SWORE, no more drinking EVER.
Haven't managed that, started drinking a month later, but I've not had horrible episodes, blackouts, hangovers or early morning wake-up jitters from drinking too much. I've drank less than more, have had good stretches in between, and I'm rarely drinking at home.
It's gotten easier, to forgo drinking, for the sake of drinking to zone out. I know it's a slippery slope. I know people who may read this will think "it's a joke" I even have the nerve to write this, but that's okay. The only nagging bit, I told my girlfriend, whose son is dealing with liver cancer, I would take her message to heart, "just don't drink." I haven't. Her son passed 10 days ago.
A new sober buddy, Jim @ Life Beyond Booze, asked me to give it another shot, and would support me with some additional side help. When he asked, I jumped right on the offer. Why didn't I start right away? Daughter was coming from Germany to visit for a couple weeks, and I knew I would drink. So I decided when she left, I would start.
I'm feeling stronger about it this time. So here I go again.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!
I was feeling really good there for awhile. I had reached my 30 day challenge with my sober buddy back in late April. I continued for a couple more days with no drink, when I decided (unwisely) to drink for Memorial weekend. The goal was to enjoy some drinks, here and there, and start another long stretch of no drinking come Monday, May 27th.
The ugly details, I drank a whole bottle of wine on an empty stomach that Friday night, within two and a half hours, before heading out to dinner. All I remember of the evening, is sitting at the table looking down at another glass of wine. The next morning, before the sun even came up, my husband asked if I remembered the evening. Oh know, here we go..."no". He asked, "how do you feel?" I didn't have a hangover, but I felt sluggish and stiff. He then said, go look at yourself in the mirror. As soon as he said that, I felt my forehead and felt the bump. I decided to go back to sleep. I didn't want to confront myself by going to look at myself in the mirror. At 10 am, I opened my eyes and decided to go face the mirror. What I saw wasn't pretty. I had blacked out at dinner. My husband said I was drunk and slurring my words, but I ate and managed to get to the truck to go home. Once in the garage, as I was getting out of the truck, I fell and smacked my head/face into the garage floor. I had bruises and a cut nose. It wasn't a pretty site. I had never done something like this to myself before (well, not to this degree), AND I SWORE, no more drinking EVER.
Haven't managed that, started drinking a month later, but I've not had horrible episodes, blackouts, hangovers or early morning wake-up jitters from drinking too much. I've drank less than more, have had good stretches in between, and I'm rarely drinking at home.
It's gotten easier, to forgo drinking, for the sake of drinking to zone out. I know it's a slippery slope. I know people who may read this will think "it's a joke" I even have the nerve to write this, but that's okay. The only nagging bit, I told my girlfriend, whose son is dealing with liver cancer, I would take her message to heart, "just don't drink." I haven't. Her son passed 10 days ago.
A new sober buddy, Jim @ Life Beyond Booze, asked me to give it another shot, and would support me with some additional side help. When he asked, I jumped right on the offer. Why didn't I start right away? Daughter was coming from Germany to visit for a couple weeks, and I knew I would drink. So I decided when she left, I would start.
I'm feeling stronger about it this time. So here I go again.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!
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