Friday night and I'm doing okay.
In a bit, I'll have a cup of hot chocolate and enjoy a movie and/or read.
Simple things are nice.
Another day down.
Friday, January 17, 2020
Saturday, January 11, 2020
Day 55 - Trauma & Pain
I am finding it hard to stay strong and not drink. In the past three years, I've tried numerous times to stop for good. To never drink again. There have been more post then I care to admit, where I've written with enthusiasm not wanting to drink, and the reasons why. And I meant it; but when I wrote the majority of those post, I didn't write what I really felt at the time, which was the endless struggle of wanting to drink. I felt if I wrote about the struggle, I would be focusing on the wrong thing. Of course, there are post where I touched on the struggle, but minimally. I thought, keep on the positive only, my mind will click along the way, and I won't want to drink ever again. But it didn't work, and I kept falling off the path, thus here I am AGAIN.
Last night, I was so close to having red wine with dinner. Then I thought of the comment I made on Claire47's blog, how what she experienced and shared was instrumental for me to make it another day. How could I write this and then drink? I made it home and jumped onto the computer to read more blogs, testimonies, etc. and came across a link about a discussion of addiction. It's on YouTube, and I wish I had saved the link, but I am sure if you search, you can find it. Gabor Mate was the speaker and "is a Hungarian-born Canadian physician. He has a background in family practice and a special interest in childhood development and trauma, and in their potential lifelong impacts on physical and mental health..." (description taken from Wikipedia).
Gabor is a very calm, quiet speaker and his perspective on addiction was transforming for me. He says all addictions stem from childhood trauma, which cause pain that isn't processed and thus the search for numbing the inherit pain we hold from childhood. I cannot do it justice to recap his talk, but as I watched, I was transfixed by a number of things. The main point for me, is I was traumatized in many ways, father leaving mother when I was six (I'm the oldest of 5; and we were all born within a 4-1/2 year span, twins in there), not enough money for food and basics thus going on welfare, moving every year to find a cheaper place to live, and being sexually abused a number of times since the age of 5. Of the five of us, I am the only one to have graduated from high school and college. I am the only one to have a "average, normal" adult life, whatever that means, but my alcohol addition was always my "hidden, bad" problem, which I didn't want my family to know about. However, as time passed, it became evident to those close to me. Needless to say, it explains so much about why all my siblings have struggled ever more so with drugs and alcohol and other behaviors, given our background. In the last 10 years, my siblings and mom have shared the "ugly" truth" about the sexual abuse within our family. I don't want to go into the details here, but it happened to all of us to one degree or another. Why I share this here, is I thought in my twenties I had let all those experiences go; I never thought how poor we were, but it explains why I am so controlling with money, saving it, etc. I never thought "not" having a father around was an issue growing up, but I expect this is why my husbands had to be with me all the time, trust issues. I never thought I was sexually inept, but I don't like intimate kissing (the best part I know) yet I can do all else?? Another kicker, my first husband was physically and mentally abusive. The anger issues I learned from this first marriage were daunting. There are more examples, but you get the picture. And honestly, I never thought how I drank could stem from all this trauma and pain. I thought I was plain old weak minded, and couldn't control myself with alcohol.
Now I get it; the why. Since I turned 50, there have been a number of areas I've worked on with myself. I had one year of group therapy to deal with my anger issues. I have learned to trust my husband and encourage him to do things on his own (however, he wants to be with me constantly, go figure). I have been seeking spiritual renewal through a number of ways. I'm trying not to see money as something to not hoard, but to use as a tool and to share (this is a harder one, but I am working on it). Lastly, I'm letting go of any and all shame and guilt I may still harbor from my early life, because it's in the past. My past doesn't need to hold me down, this I know.
Maybe, now, I won't struggle as hard with not drinking.
Last night, I was so close to having red wine with dinner. Then I thought of the comment I made on Claire47's blog, how what she experienced and shared was instrumental for me to make it another day. How could I write this and then drink? I made it home and jumped onto the computer to read more blogs, testimonies, etc. and came across a link about a discussion of addiction. It's on YouTube, and I wish I had saved the link, but I am sure if you search, you can find it. Gabor Mate was the speaker and "is a Hungarian-born Canadian physician. He has a background in family practice and a special interest in childhood development and trauma, and in their potential lifelong impacts on physical and mental health..." (description taken from Wikipedia).
Gabor is a very calm, quiet speaker and his perspective on addiction was transforming for me. He says all addictions stem from childhood trauma, which cause pain that isn't processed and thus the search for numbing the inherit pain we hold from childhood. I cannot do it justice to recap his talk, but as I watched, I was transfixed by a number of things. The main point for me, is I was traumatized in many ways, father leaving mother when I was six (I'm the oldest of 5; and we were all born within a 4-1/2 year span, twins in there), not enough money for food and basics thus going on welfare, moving every year to find a cheaper place to live, and being sexually abused a number of times since the age of 5. Of the five of us, I am the only one to have graduated from high school and college. I am the only one to have a "average, normal" adult life, whatever that means, but my alcohol addition was always my "hidden, bad" problem, which I didn't want my family to know about. However, as time passed, it became evident to those close to me. Needless to say, it explains so much about why all my siblings have struggled ever more so with drugs and alcohol and other behaviors, given our background. In the last 10 years, my siblings and mom have shared the "ugly" truth" about the sexual abuse within our family. I don't want to go into the details here, but it happened to all of us to one degree or another. Why I share this here, is I thought in my twenties I had let all those experiences go; I never thought how poor we were, but it explains why I am so controlling with money, saving it, etc. I never thought "not" having a father around was an issue growing up, but I expect this is why my husbands had to be with me all the time, trust issues. I never thought I was sexually inept, but I don't like intimate kissing (the best part I know) yet I can do all else?? Another kicker, my first husband was physically and mentally abusive. The anger issues I learned from this first marriage were daunting. There are more examples, but you get the picture. And honestly, I never thought how I drank could stem from all this trauma and pain. I thought I was plain old weak minded, and couldn't control myself with alcohol.
Now I get it; the why. Since I turned 50, there have been a number of areas I've worked on with myself. I had one year of group therapy to deal with my anger issues. I have learned to trust my husband and encourage him to do things on his own (however, he wants to be with me constantly, go figure). I have been seeking spiritual renewal through a number of ways. I'm trying not to see money as something to not hoard, but to use as a tool and to share (this is a harder one, but I am working on it). Lastly, I'm letting go of any and all shame and guilt I may still harbor from my early life, because it's in the past. My past doesn't need to hold me down, this I know.
Maybe, now, I won't struggle as hard with not drinking.
Monday, January 6, 2020
Day 50 - A Good Number
I never thought I'd say or write this, but Monday is my favorite day, now.
Weekends are still challenging, as that's when everyone gravitates towards alcohol.
I get it.
But now I see Monday as a new start, a new beginning, and hopefully, as each week passes, I'm getting better. Not just with "not drinking" but with life in general.
Yeah for Mondays!!
Weekends are still challenging, as that's when everyone gravitates towards alcohol.
I get it.
But now I see Monday as a new start, a new beginning, and hopefully, as each week passes, I'm getting better. Not just with "not drinking" but with life in general.
Yeah for Mondays!!
Saturday, January 4, 2020
Day 48 - Almost Caved In!
Today I went to Disneyland with my husband, and a couple we are good friends with. We spent the whole day out, starting with a nice breakfast, getting inside Disneyland, leaving Disneyland to go outside to Downtown Disney, an area of shops, restaurants, bars, to have lunch. My husband and our male friend ordered beers, and when I didn't order one, our friend asked me why not? Before I could answer, my husband told him I hadn't drank in a long while. Our friend was a bit surprised, said that was a good thing and didn't make anything of the fact. However, when they ordered another round, our friend said how good the beer was and why not have one. My husband handed me his beer and said taste it, and I did. For a split second, I said to myself, one beer, just one. Then something clicked inside my mind. I told myself don't give up! I drank two big glasses of water instead.
It's that easy to fall down.
But I didn't.
Because we were with our friends, I didn't say anything to my husband at the time, but once we got home, I told him don't offer me any alcohol. My husband's thinks I am okay to drink once in a while. He thinks I've improved with how I used to drink in the past. And I have, to a degree in these last couple years, but there were still times when I over did it. He knows this, but he keeps wishing I could control how I drink. I wished this for a long time myself.
But my wish never came true.
That's why I have to hold steady; I have to let go of wishing for what can't be.
It's hard.
It's that easy to fall down.
But I didn't.
Because we were with our friends, I didn't say anything to my husband at the time, but once we got home, I told him don't offer me any alcohol. My husband's thinks I am okay to drink once in a while. He thinks I've improved with how I used to drink in the past. And I have, to a degree in these last couple years, but there were still times when I over did it. He knows this, but he keeps wishing I could control how I drink. I wished this for a long time myself.
But my wish never came true.
That's why I have to hold steady; I have to let go of wishing for what can't be.
It's hard.
Wednesday, January 1, 2020
Happy New Year!
My New Year's Eve was uneventful. I have been nursing a cold for the past few days, and yesterday I went to bed by 5pm. I woke up at midnight, as the fireworks, gun shots (yes gun shots) and people whopping it up in my neighborhood woke me up! I was up for five minutes, and fell back to sleep.
I woke up late this morning, thinking how flat New Year's Eve was, feeling a little sorry for myself. Since Christmas, I've been fighting the urge to have a drink. I haven't wanted to get drunk, just a drink or two, enjoy the feeling then move on...but I keep playing it through my head, knowing I could trigger wanting to drink the day or night away. I do not want to go backwards.
As I was getting my morning started, by mom called to wish me a Happy New Year. I could tell she was distracted, as her chit chatting was off. She then said my sister was there and would I like to speak with her, and of course I wanted to say hi. Once my sister got on the phone, I knew something had happened. Turns out, my sister had started drinking at 11am New Year's Eve, when later in the day, her husband told her to stop or get out. So my sister left, and yes she should not have gotten in the car with having been drinking, but she did. She ended at a friend's house, close to where my mom lives, and eventually came to my mom's at 6am. My mom could tell my sister had drank, given the condition she was in, and this disappointed my mom very much. My sister was sad, guilt shamed and hurt by what she had done, running away, driving drunk, going to someone's house drinking more, then landing at my mom's this morning. I know this behavior. As my sister said, she only wanted to drink so much, have a good time, ring in the New Year, etc., but that one extra drink made her toss all the good intentions out the window and she made bad decisions instead. My sister is feeling very low, and I don't want her to feel this way. The only way not to feel what she's feeling is to not drink. I know this very well to be the truth. I've been in my sister's shoes too many times to count. I cannot control what my sister does, all I can do is be here for her and lead by example in this area of drinking alcohol. Christmas Eve, she overdid it as well, but at least she didn't get in a car and possibly make matters worse. I asked my sister if she is falling into another loop of drinking too much, too many times, etc. She said, as it was Christmas and New Year's Eve, she was celebrating. I get it, wasn't I feeling the same way?
I am here for my sister, whenever she wants to give up drinking; until then, all I can do is pray and hope she will come to wanting to quit sooner, rather than later.
As for me, I am not feeling so great, but I am at peace. Hearing my sister's grief, enforced I am doing the right thing for myself. It's not easy. In fact, it's getting harder in a way, which I know has to do with my frame of mind about it all. But all it takes, is one day at a time, and I'll get to a better place soon.
Happy New Year everyone! 45 days down, not too bad for the start of 2020.
I woke up late this morning, thinking how flat New Year's Eve was, feeling a little sorry for myself. Since Christmas, I've been fighting the urge to have a drink. I haven't wanted to get drunk, just a drink or two, enjoy the feeling then move on...but I keep playing it through my head, knowing I could trigger wanting to drink the day or night away. I do not want to go backwards.
As I was getting my morning started, by mom called to wish me a Happy New Year. I could tell she was distracted, as her chit chatting was off. She then said my sister was there and would I like to speak with her, and of course I wanted to say hi. Once my sister got on the phone, I knew something had happened. Turns out, my sister had started drinking at 11am New Year's Eve, when later in the day, her husband told her to stop or get out. So my sister left, and yes she should not have gotten in the car with having been drinking, but she did. She ended at a friend's house, close to where my mom lives, and eventually came to my mom's at 6am. My mom could tell my sister had drank, given the condition she was in, and this disappointed my mom very much. My sister was sad, guilt shamed and hurt by what she had done, running away, driving drunk, going to someone's house drinking more, then landing at my mom's this morning. I know this behavior. As my sister said, she only wanted to drink so much, have a good time, ring in the New Year, etc., but that one extra drink made her toss all the good intentions out the window and she made bad decisions instead. My sister is feeling very low, and I don't want her to feel this way. The only way not to feel what she's feeling is to not drink. I know this very well to be the truth. I've been in my sister's shoes too many times to count. I cannot control what my sister does, all I can do is be here for her and lead by example in this area of drinking alcohol. Christmas Eve, she overdid it as well, but at least she didn't get in a car and possibly make matters worse. I asked my sister if she is falling into another loop of drinking too much, too many times, etc. She said, as it was Christmas and New Year's Eve, she was celebrating. I get it, wasn't I feeling the same way?
I am here for my sister, whenever she wants to give up drinking; until then, all I can do is pray and hope she will come to wanting to quit sooner, rather than later.
As for me, I am not feeling so great, but I am at peace. Hearing my sister's grief, enforced I am doing the right thing for myself. It's not easy. In fact, it's getting harder in a way, which I know has to do with my frame of mind about it all. But all it takes, is one day at a time, and I'll get to a better place soon.
Happy New Year everyone! 45 days down, not too bad for the start of 2020.
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