Day 55 - Trauma & Pain

I am finding it hard to stay strong and not drink.  In the past three years, I've tried numerous times to stop for good.  To never drink again.  There have been more post then I care to admit, where I've written with enthusiasm not wanting to drink, and the reasons why.  And I meant it; but when I wrote the majority of those post, I didn't write what I really felt at the time, which was the endless struggle of wanting to drink.  I felt if I wrote about the struggle, I would be focusing on the wrong thing.  Of course, there are post where I touched on the struggle, but minimally.  I thought, keep on the positive only, my mind will click along the way, and I won't want to drink ever again.  But it didn't work, and I kept falling off the path, thus here I am AGAIN.

Last night, I was so close to having red wine with dinner.  Then I thought of the comment I made on Claire47's blog, how what she experienced and shared was instrumental for me to make it another day.  How could I write this and then drink?  I made it home and jumped onto the computer to read more blogs, testimonies, etc. and came across a link about a discussion of addiction.  It's on YouTube, and I wish I had saved the link, but I am sure if you search, you can find it.  Gabor Mate was the speaker and "is a Hungarian-born Canadian physician.  He has a background in family practice and a special interest in childhood development and trauma, and in their potential lifelong impacts on physical and mental health..." (description taken from Wikipedia).

Gabor is a very calm, quiet speaker and his perspective on addiction was transforming for me.  He says all addictions stem from childhood trauma, which cause pain that isn't processed and thus the search for numbing the inherit pain we hold from childhood.  I cannot do it justice to recap his talk, but as I watched, I was transfixed by a number of things.  The main point for me, is I was traumatized in many ways, father leaving mother when I was six (I'm the oldest of 5; and we were all born within a 4-1/2 year span, twins in there), not enough money for food and basics thus going on welfare, moving every year to find a cheaper place to live, and being sexually abused a number of times since the age of 5.  Of the five of us, I am the only one to have graduated from high school and college.  I am the only one to have a "average, normal" adult life, whatever that means, but my alcohol addition was always my "hidden, bad" problem, which I didn't want my family to know about.  However, as time passed, it became evident to those close to me.  Needless to say, it explains so much about why all my siblings have struggled ever more so with drugs and alcohol and other behaviors, given our background.  In the last 10 years, my siblings and mom have shared the "ugly" truth" about the sexual abuse within our family.  I don't want to go into the details here, but it happened to all of us to one degree or another.  Why I share this here, is I thought in my twenties I had let all those experiences go; I never thought how poor we were, but it explains why I am so controlling with money, saving it, etc. I never thought "not" having a father around was an issue growing up, but I expect this is why my husbands had to be with me all the time, trust issues.  I never thought I was sexually inept, but I don't like intimate kissing (the best part I know) yet I can do all else??  Another kicker, my first husband was physically and mentally abusive.  The anger issues I learned from this first marriage were daunting.  There are more examples, but you get the picture.  And honestly, I never thought how I drank could stem from all this trauma and pain.  I thought I was plain old weak minded, and couldn't control myself with alcohol.

Now I get it; the why.  Since I turned 50, there have been a number of areas I've worked on with myself.  I had one year of group therapy to deal with my anger issues.  I have learned to trust my husband and encourage him to do things on his own (however, he wants to be with me constantly, go figure).  I have been seeking spiritual renewal through a number of ways.  I'm trying not to see money as something to not hoard, but to use as a tool and to share (this is a harder one, but I am working on it).  Lastly, I'm letting go of any and all shame and guilt I may still harbor from my early life, because it's in the past.  My past doesn't need to hold me down, this I know.

Maybe, now, I won't struggle as hard with not drinking.