Happy New Year!

My New Year's Eve was uneventful.  I have been nursing a cold for the past few days, and yesterday I went to bed by 5pm.  I woke up at midnight, as the fireworks, gun shots (yes gun shots) and people whopping it up in my neighborhood woke me up!  I was up for five minutes, and fell back to sleep.

I woke up late this morning, thinking how flat New Year's Eve was, feeling a little sorry for myself.  Since Christmas, I've been fighting the urge to have a drink.  I haven't wanted to get drunk, just a drink or two, enjoy the feeling then move on...but I keep playing it through my head, knowing I could trigger wanting to drink the day or night away.  I do not want to go backwards.

As I was getting my morning started, by mom called to wish me a Happy New Year.  I could tell she was distracted, as her chit chatting was off.  She then said my sister was there and would I like to speak with her, and of course I wanted to say hi.  Once my sister got on the phone, I knew something had happened.  Turns out, my sister had started drinking at 11am New Year's Eve, when later in the day, her husband told her to stop or get out.  So my sister left, and yes she should not have gotten in the car with having been drinking, but she did.  She ended at a friend's house, close to where my mom lives, and eventually came to my mom's at 6am.  My mom could tell my sister had drank, given the condition she was in, and this disappointed my mom very much.  My sister was sad, guilt shamed and hurt by what she had done, running away, driving drunk, going to someone's house drinking more, then landing at my mom's this morning.  I know this behavior.  As my sister said, she only wanted to drink so much, have a good time, ring in the New Year, etc., but that one extra drink made her toss all the good intentions out the window and she made bad decisions instead.  My sister is feeling very low, and I don't want her to feel this way.  The only way not to feel what she's feeling is to not drink.  I know this very well to be the truth.  I've been in my sister's shoes too many times to count.  I cannot control what my sister does, all I can do is be here for her and lead by example in this area of drinking alcohol.  Christmas Eve, she overdid it as well, but at least she didn't get in a car and possibly make matters worse.  I asked my sister if she is falling into another loop of drinking too much, too many times, etc.  She said, as it was Christmas and New Year's Eve, she was celebrating.  I get it, wasn't I feeling the same way?

I am here for my sister, whenever she wants to give up drinking; until then, all I can do is pray and hope she will come to wanting to quit sooner, rather than later.

As for me, I am not feeling so great, but I am at peace.  Hearing my sister's grief, enforced I am doing the right thing for myself.  It's not easy.  In fact, it's getting harder in a way, which I know has to do with my frame of mind about it all.  But all it takes, is one day at a time, and I'll get to a better place soon.

Happy New Year everyone!  45 days down, not too bad for the start of 2020.