Failure

I don't post as often as when I started this blog two years ago, mainly, because I haven't been able to quit drinking for good.  When I read back to some of my earlier post, the sentiments and feelings are the same, so why repeat them again.

I'm feeling sorry for myself.  I'm my own worse enemy in this battle to get sober.  For a while, I was content to know I got better with my alcohol problem, meaning, I was drinking less, not as frequent, etc.  All true; but I've flat-lined into a place of steady drinking.

I may not drink for two/three days, then drink a few beers, then after two weeks, I crack that bottle of wine and all bets are off.  If I compare myself to others, I can justify my problem isn't so bad.  Of course, this has kept me where I'm at now.  However, "the problem" drinking too much, is still "the problem."

The problem won't go away until I no longer drink, EVER!

I know I haven't exhausted all avenues of help.  I've not gone to an AA meeting since last year sometime.  I haven't told everyone I know, I have a severe alcohol problem.  I haven't tried checking into an out-patient type service.  Knowing all this, only contributes to my sense of failure to get sober.

I so wanted to be like a number of people in the blog sphere, getting sober on their own.
Then telling everyone, "I did it!".

I not going to give into this failure.  I'm getting ready to start AGAIN.  Fellow bloggers, "S is for",
Putting Down the Drink", and "Tipsy no More" have repeatedly said, "never give up, giving up". How I hold on to those words.

Lastly, my sober buddy, "Habit", is helping me, even if it doesn't seem like I'm making progress.

No one said it would be easy.  But many have said it would be the best thing ever.  I believe it.

I feel a bit better.

Simple isn't easy...

I'm doing okay, but not anywhere near where I want to be with my drinking problem.  I've managed not to get disgustingly drunk, thank goodness, but I've continued to drink here and there.  A lot of family drama is playing out in my world right now, and I'm soothing myself with drinking beer.  I've only drank wine three times since Easter.  Wine wrecks havoc, while beer just numbs.  I don't pretend that drinking beer is the right thing to do, but it doesn't cause the same issues as wine does.  I am wavering, trying to get back on track, and I will.   One area in my life where I do well is with finances, money.  I read a blog by Trent Hamm, "The Simple Dollar" faithfully.  His perspective on money management is something I can relate to.  He wrote a blog on June 18th titled, "The Simple Dollar", is not, "The Easy Dollar".  It hit me, how much it can relate to drinking, here's a portion of the article:

1. Start now, not later.
Spend less today. Not tomorrow. Today.
Make the things you need to do to make this your new life pattern your highest priority for the next few days.
Don’t shy away from giant steps, but remember that little steps are successes, too.

2. Remove temptations from your regular environment.
Delete your passwords and credit cards from websites.
Avoid places where you might be tempted to spend money.
Don’t carry cash or credit cards with you unless you intend to spend.

3. Establish fresher routines for your day-to-day life.
Purchase more energy-efficient devices when it’s time for replacement.
Find the most efficient commute.
Renegotiate your bills.

4. Don’t get hung up on individual mistakes; instead, focus on a new day.
Recognize always that one misstep does not mean the end of your progress.
Spend time figuring out why you made that misstep and don’t just merely excuse it.
Focus on today and tomorrow – only use the past and far future as inspiration until you’ve mastered your new habits.

5. Schedule treats.
Give yourself a certain amount of room and freedom for spontaneity.
Choose “time” splurges rather than “money” splurges.
Enjoy the anticipation and the afterglow.

This is so true, on point.  Why I'm still struggling with drinking is because I haven't really followed these points.  But, I'm still trying to do so; I'm still not giving up to let the drink be a thing of the past.  Really, I'm not.

Two Years Trying

Today is the second year anniversary of this blog.  This time last year, I wrote on how grateful I was for changing the course of my drinking.  I still haven't managed to be 100% sober.  I have improved significantly from 2015, but I still have work to do.  After my last post, I was so happy with my continued progress, and then I fell.  Since Easter, I've only drank twice, but one of those times was a whopper of an episode.  Let's just say, I cannot continue to pretend I can control drinking when it suits me.  I may share what happened on Friday, May 24th, down the road, but for now, let's just say, "I hope I learned another lesson."  A lesson that has (and is) keeping me pretty strong to stay the course.

I will not give up, "trying to give up for good"! 

Feeling Even Better!

I've made the 30 day challenge with Habit!  Except for a couple days there, overall, it wasn't too hard of a fight not to drink.  There's no doubt it's better not drinking to excess, drinking every day, or drinking just for the hell of it (meaning to get blitz), no doubt at all.

In the past two years, I've completed a few long stretches of not drinking. A lot of times drinking only one or two drinks at a time and days between with no drinks. This has resent my behavior with alcohol for the better.  But I do have a ways to go, and I'm moving in the right direction.

However, drinking occasionally and responsibly has it's allure for me.  I'm going to enjoy this upcoming Memorial weekend with some drinks.  Then jump back on the horse for another long ride with no alcohol.  I shared my story with a neighbor, she's a young lady in her early 30's, and she wants to join my next "dry spell", until her 4th of July party.  I'm looking forward to the next stretch with this new buddy (Habit will always be my first #1), as she lives right across the street! 

I didn't think moderation was something I could do.  But, I think changing my frame of mind, and working on many different areas in my life has help me to get to this place.  I don't mean to say this is the way for everyone.  I still admire those who have gone 100% sober.  I know it's a positive. 

Moderation, for me, for now, works.  And if it doesn't (I hate jinxing myself), I'll write about it here to keep it real.

Feeling Much Better

Oh how the emotions change day-by-day at times.

I feel great!  I know, right?  That's life, which is how it has and always will be: up, down, around, straight, and sometimes backwards.  As long as I live that's just the way it goes.

After I wrote my previous post, I reached out to my sober buddy and she helped me get through those feelings.  She reminded me how well I've done overall, regardless of not being 100% sober since I've started this blog.  And she's right.  I am better. 

I will continue to get better!

Feeling Disappointed

My 30 day challenge is almost over.  Today is day 26; and while I've done pretty well with not having cravings or fighting myself about "not drinking", these past two days, I did.  My personal and work lives are challenging at the moment, but not to where I'm really over-whelmed.  Or am I?  Whatever is going on right now, has affected my feelings about drinking.  Then again, maybe seeing my husband come home, open his two cans of beer and pour it into a beer glass has me jealous?  It didn't last week.

All I know is I want to drink.  Not to get drunk.  But if I drink, it's a chance I take, because I know I can (and have) drank too much even when the intent was not to.

My sober buddy has been there for me, and this has been crucial to keeping on the straight and narrow.  It's day 31, well day 35 (a Friday, the start to Memorial weekend) I'm worrying about.

I'm disappointed in myself.  I know many people have been at these crossroads.  From reading, I know the ones who kept the strength to not drink, have shared how wonderful, great, fantastic, etc. it is to be sober 100%.  I believe them. 

I'm fighting myself and for what?

Tomorrow is another day.  Tomorrow I will feel different. 

Today, I know I will not drink.

That is a good thing.

21 - Happy Mother's Day

Good Morning Everyone!

I am off to visit the mother-in-law today.  A two hour drive to get there, but I'm fresh and ready to go.

Yesterday, I spent all day with my mother (sister came along for morning part of the day) and had a great time.  My mom is the best (all mothers really are, well some exceptions are out there). 

My gift to myself (my three children all live far away, but I did receive the Happy Mother's Day shout outs, etc.) is not drinking for another day.  The best gift I could give myself right now!

Be happy, smile, and know someone loves you (even if it's yourself, as you are someone)!