Scared and Confused

I had no plans for a vacation this summer, especially when I decided on June 5th to start this blog.  I planned on keeping a low key summer, to get some momentum on this sober journey.  So far, I've managed to avoid most bars (wrote about one time I went with my husband and how hard it was), family gatherings where alcohol is part of the norm, and happy hours (although I did meet with a past co-worker as we had plans from mid-May and I told her I wasn't drinking and she was non-judgemental about it).  Instead, I've done more reading, gone to bed early, hit the gym, gone on hikes, eaten more breakfasts out (used to be I went out to eat dinner) and focused on staying strong.  But a chance opportunity came about to partake of a free hotel suite in Puerta Vallarta, Mexico.

A co-worker has a time share he couldn't use, so he offered it to me as a birthday gift.  My birthday is August 17th, and the time share is available August 12th through August 19th.  When I told my husband about it, he did not hesitate and said we had to go, so we are leaving this Saturday for the trip.  Until today, I've not focused on how I would handle the drinking situation.  I've been using the mentality, not going to think about drinking tomorrow, only today, and this has gotten me through some rough days.  I'm scared.  I've always enjoyed drinking on vacation and now I can't.  But the truth is I can and I may want to and that's what is scaring me the most.

To add confusion to the mix, my 28 year old daughter wrote this to me today.  I sent an email to her dated on June 2nd, right before I decided to quit drinking.  I don't know why it was left in my outbox without being sent (although my daughter asked if I meant to send this to her again), but when I read it, I decided to send it to her just because I was surprised, sad, alarmed that I was writing about drinking, I don't know exactly why, but I did.


RE: TGIF June 2nd

 

Wed 8/9/2017 10:32 AM

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You replied on 8/9/2017 10:55 AM.

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You need to learn how to control your drinking because you not drinking is just making you beat yourself up almost just as bad as when you drink and wake up feeling guilty. I don’t even think you have a problem. I’m going to support you no matter what.  I just don’t like the fact that you keep labeling yourself an alcoholic. Every time you think or tell yourself that you give it more power over you. You’re a strong lady if you want to drink do it. If you don’t want to go over the limit when you drink…don’t go over the limit.  You know 100% what you are doing when you drink. You could  stop you just don’t want to. It’s not that you don’t have any control I think that’s bullshit and a pussy way out. I know damn well when I’m drinking what I’m doing. If you want something you can have it, you just have to want it bad enough. Set a limit and stop. It doesn’t have some magical power over you Mom. You just let it and it’s an excuse. Set a limit and actually want to stick to it. It’s like that with everything. That’s how I am with exercising and trying to eat right. You can do whatever you want as long as you want it bad enough. I love you and I just want you to be happy and feel normal not like your missing out on things ( which you aren’t) but it makes me sad that you almost feel left out.

From:
Sent: Wednesday, August 09, 2017 10:12 AM
To:
Subject: RE: TGIF June 2nd

Not really, it was stuck in my out basket, but what’s weird, is it’s the last weekend before I stopped drinking.

See how I wrote I would only have beers and no wine, made me sad in a way.

From:
Sent: Wednesday, August 09, 2017 10:06 AM
To:
Subject: RE: TGIF June 2nd

Weird did you mean to send this to me again?

From:
Sent: Wednesday, August 09, 2017 9:51 AM
To:
Subject: RE: TGIF June 2nd

Yeah, just a couple of beers, no wine.  I thought about what you said, wine just bring out the worse in me.

Are you coming home after work for sure?

I love my daughter more than anything in the world.  She's a smart woman, educated, and knows alcohol is bad when drank in excess.  She knows I've struggled with alcohol, so it hurt me to read what she wrote.  Only because I'm making her feel bad for me, as I'm complaining more about not drinking and how it hard it is, rather than focusing on the positive.  What kind of example have I set for her.

I asked my daughter if she would be okay for me to share this and she said yes.  She did say, as long as you don't care people "talking sh!t" on me.  But then she said, it doesn't matter as long as I feel this is something that will help me.

I'm hoping it will.