Goodbye April

Four months of the year gone as of midnight today.

I can't believe I'd made it (almost) alcohol free since January 1st. But I have!

What will May bring?  Hopefully, growing peace and contentment.  I still fight myself at times, wanting to drink, because I want to get drunk.  No other way to put it.  And if all the negative things over drinking gives one, wasn't the case, I'd happily drink away.  But that's not the case. 

So for now, I'm going to focus on how far I've come!  A long way for me, but I know it's only baby time in the scheme of things.  And you know, that's okay for now.

114

I have been sober for 114 days this year!  As I'm going to visit family this weekend, I knew I wouldn't have a chance to blog, so I wanted to jot down a quick entry to say "I am good."

Better than being bad!

The Drinking Husband

Friday night I was going out of my mind watching my husband drink.  I've been trying since 2015 to give up the booze, and it's been hard given my husband and I used to drink ALL the time together.  As I wrote a while back, this was something I enjoyed and never thought twice about, until it became a problem for me in many ways.  My husband doesn't have the same problem as myself, which is to say, he stops after a few.  Although, he's been know to tie one on from time-to-time, he still doesn't have my problem. He's not a meanie when he drinks, he doesn't get all hung over and grouchy, he's just fine about it all. He doesn't feel guilty or ashamed with how he drinks, and he shouldn't.

I'm the one who has the problem with alcohol.  He knows it, but he misses the " good part of" the old drinking me.  The one who'd go out to have a few drinks at a cool bar, the one who'd have a beer at the baseball game or BBQ, the one who....but somewhere along the way, I become the one who drank too much, every day at home by myself, and never wanted to go out when I did.  And this caused problems for us.  He didn't like the "bad" drinker, he wanted his old buddy back.  I couldn't get her back.  I tried. But I always went back to the "bad" drinker.  He tries his best not to drink often in front of me.  He's changed his routine about drinking at home Friday and Saturday nights.  He's up for us going out to dinner with our friends who "don't" drink.  He is trying to support me, but at times, when I'm having a hard time, he has said "have a beer."  I've told him not say this to me.  I've told him it won't be just one, it will be more.  In fact, when I got drunk last month, it was because of letting my guard down in just such a situation.  And my husband told me it was okay!!  Everyone needs to let their hair down once in awhile.  Yes, if it happens once in a while, great, but for me, it was happening more times than I care to admit.  I don't want to go back to all that.

He's a good husband.  I love him.  But, I'm in a place where I don't drink, and my husband does. 

Right now, it's not easy for me or him. 

Life isn't fair, I know, but really?

Okay, I just have to type this real fast before I explode!

I'm sitting here, watching my husband drink away, okay, drinking a few beers, and it's just bugging the heck out of me.  He knows it's still hard for me at times, but his comment, "just have a beer"! 
I love him, but he's stupid at times, and this is one of them.  He knows better, so this is infuriating to me!  I wish it didn't bug me, but it does. 

Thank God I ate dinner earlier and I am very full, because if I was on an empty stomach, I know it would be hard to pass up the beer.

How do others who have spouses/partners who drink cope?  Because I'm not finding it any easier as time goes by...and I can't make my husband not drink, it isn't fair to him, but it isn't fair for me either.

ARRGGHHHH!!!

There, I just had to get this out. 

Holding Steady

I am doing well.  I'm not thinking of drinking everyday.  I'm moving along, making new routines not centered around drinking.  Life isn't perfect, but it's good.  The weather has been odd, a few hot days, then cool and windy, still a bit chilly at nights, but the longer daylight hours help my mood tremendously.

I keep reading early days of many bloggers, to keep myself focused.  I am not out of the woods by any means, but I can see through the trees, and that's progress in my book.

Happy Tuesday!

100

Made it!

100 days sober.

I am grateful.  I feel a sense of accomplishment. I am happy. 

I am not cured.  I am still not out of the words.  I am still fighting myself at times about being sober for life.

But, I made 100 days sober!!

For now, I'm in a very good place.

For now, I know I won't drink today.

For now, all is good.

I sometimes can't believe I'm doing this...

This is the longest I've gone without alcohol since my late 20's (I didn't drink much during this decade of my life, but there where other "things"...).

I can and can't believe it.

Do I still miss drinking?  Yes.
Do I want to drink? No and Yes.
Do I know I'm WAY better off never drinking again? Yes.
Has my life been better these past three months? Yes.

Why? So many reasons why, of which ALL have been written about by many bloggers.  No need to repeat them all.  But still, I'm holding back, wondering if I can go the distance.  I want to.

But can I do this?  I wish I could say 100% yes, but I still struggle with the self talk.
So can I do this? Yes.
Do I want to do this? Yes.
Will I do this?  That's the million dollar question.

One day at a time.

95

Sunday afternoon; most errands and chores done for the day, and hubby ready for bed in a few minutes (he works nights), and the rest of the day is mine.  I do go to bed early, 8:30pm, so I have about five hours to do NOTHING!

Nothing wrong with that. 

95 sober days this year, it's taken a very long time and hard mind power to get to this point. 

100 days around the corner.

Better Than Okay

Friday morning. 

A week ago I fell of the wagon. 

It was a good "slap in the face."  I had been itchy for a couple weeks there, grumpy, testy, cranky, irritable, etc. And drinking didn't solve anything, except get me off the pitty party I was throwing for myself.  I didn't even have a good time with the "first" one or two drinks, which usually gave me a lift.  There was nothing good about it AT ALL. I still don't feel like sharing what happened and why, not sure if I ever will on this blog (but my personal journal has the whole story so I don't forget the good, bad and ugly.  Oh wait, there was no good). 

I'm back on track, on the wagon, ready for the weekend. 

And I'm better than okay, today.

90

90 days with no alcohol this year.  Not consecutively, but damn close.

After last Friday, I feel strong with my conviction not to give in again. 

I do.

Easter Sunday

I was raised Catholic, but not in the strict sense.  As my mother and father divorced just before my 6th birthday, my mother fell away from the traditions of the Catholic church.  So my exposure to the faith become more perfunctory.  I do believe in Jesus Christ, he was very central to my understanding of what the religion was all about, however, as I've aged, I have opened my mind to other religions and ways of understanding our connection to the universe.  But I digress.

Today being Easter Sunday, I realized, I can start again. The meaning of Easter is Jesus Christ's victory over death.  I do not expect or feel that everyone has to believe this but I do.  And it made me feel comfort, because I can still have victory over my fight with alcohol.

I fell on Friday (Good Friday for those who follow the teachings of Christianity).  I've wallowed in self-flagrant thoughts about myself.  What's wrong with me?  Why did I do something bad for me?  It doesn't matter why, really.  What matters is don't throw everything away.  Keep strong.  Keep going.

Today, I'm starting my victory over my mind's self-talk about alcohol.  I lost a battle, I have not lost the war.  As of today, 90 full days are down for the year.  I've drank twice.  88 days sober is something to still be proud of.

To those who celebrate Easter, Happy Easter to you.  To those who don't, Happy Sunday to you.