Friday night I was going out of my mind watching my husband drink. I've been trying since 2015 to give up the booze, and it's been hard given my husband and I used to drink ALL the time together. As I wrote a while back, this was something I enjoyed and never thought twice about, until it became a problem for me in many ways. My husband doesn't have the same problem as myself, which is to say, he stops after a few. Although, he's been know to tie one on from time-to-time, he still doesn't have my problem. He's not a meanie when he drinks, he doesn't get all hung over and grouchy, he's just fine about it all. He doesn't feel guilty or ashamed with how he drinks, and he shouldn't.
I'm the one who has the problem with alcohol. He knows it, but he misses the " good part of" the old drinking me. The one who'd go out to have a few drinks at a cool bar, the one who'd have a beer at the baseball game or BBQ, the one who....but somewhere along the way, I become the one who drank too much, every day at home by myself, and never wanted to go out when I did. And this caused problems for us. He didn't like the "bad" drinker, he wanted his old buddy back. I couldn't get her back. I tried. But I always went back to the "bad" drinker. He tries his best not to drink often in front of me. He's changed his routine about drinking at home Friday and Saturday nights. He's up for us going out to dinner with our friends who "don't" drink. He is trying to support me, but at times, when I'm having a hard time, he has said "have a beer." I've told him not say this to me. I've told him it won't be just one, it will be more. In fact, when I got drunk last month, it was because of letting my guard down in just such a situation. And my husband told me it was okay!! Everyone needs to let their hair down once in awhile. Yes, if it happens once in a while, great, but for me, it was happening more times than I care to admit. I don't want to go back to all that.
He's a good husband. I love him. But, I'm in a place where I don't drink, and my husband does.
Right now, it's not easy for me or him.
Again, I empathize. Had the same situation with spouse missing the drinking buddy. One script I used a lot was “I do too but I just -can’t- anymore. It was what gave me the palpitations and wrecked my sleep so much.” Sometimes with “and you know I just can’t have one and stop; my brain doesn’t work that way.” A regrettable health issue not a value judgment or moral choice. And it’s still hard. I dreamed up a lot of errands I had to go on and reasons to go to bed way early.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
S
My husband knows I'm doing the right thing, but it's hard sometimes when he drinks in front of me. He's cut back, but he's not going to give it up for me. You know exactly what I'm going through. I can't use his drinking as an excuse to stop mine. Maybe as more time goes by, my husband will lesson his drinking to when we go out. Until then, I just have to figure how to go with the flow.
DeleteI was very lucky in that my Husband quit drinking at the same time as me. Not that he needed to and I certainly didn't expect him to (he was a normal drinker and drank very little anyway), but it made the whole process a lot easier for me.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any advise I'm afraid, but it is not helpful for your husband to tell you it is ok for you to just 'have a beer' when it quite clearly isn't ok. If he is a 'normy' would it be a massive problem if you asked him not to drink in front of you - or at home ? At least until you are comfortable enough with your sobriety not to be affected by others drinking alcohol around you? xx
Believe me, my husband knows I don't want to hear "it's okay." Shortly after that episode, he began to say it, then stop himself and told me he heard me "loud and clear" last time. It's when we are at home, on a Friday night when it's hardest. For some reason, when we are out and about, I can go to places where alcohol is being consumed and be fine. Honestly, I don't like spending money on drinking out, or I mean, my husband drinking out as it's too expensive. I'd rather he buy his beer from the store and have it home for when he wants a couple. But I can't have it both ways...with time, I'm hoping it won't bother me. But for now, it sometimes does.
DeleteIs it at all possible to ask him if he'd like to join you in not drinking alcohol? Even if it's just for a few weeks until you mentally feel a bit stronger and not so tempted.
DeleteIt's funny that you mention the cost implication of drinking! I don't know how I managed to afford it... I couldn't really afford it, but I always found the money somewhere!
Keep strong Lia! Xx
I know when one spouse stops, it chanages the dynamics. It is a loss for both of you. My hubs stopped to support me, like Mrs. W's did.
ReplyDeleteIt will take communtication, adjustment, and love.
Just keep your boudaries strong about not drinking.
xo
Wendy
Thank you for the advice, it will "take communication, adjustment and love." So far, I'm holding strong to NOT DRINKING!
DeleteI would honestly sit him down and ask him to stop drinking with you.
ReplyDeleteIf he doesn’t have a drinking problem this should not be a problem. If it is, perhaps he will realize he might have a problem too.
It is very very difficult to change your life alone.
My husband and I both quit at the same time....well, I quit a month before he did. It was a very very hard month.
We had spent years drinking buddies. And this was a huge change. But it opened a door to new communication, more money to do other things, and new interest.
An alcohol free house is a safe haven. Finding support from the main person in your life is helpful. Perhaps he could go to an aa meeting with you, or to alanon, and hear just how hard addiction is to overcome.
Hug
Anne
Ps. My husband was a partner drinker, like me. Our house had an open door policy and people were often over drinking on the weekends.
ReplyDeleteThis was a change I never ever expected to make. But it has improved our relationship so much.
I have asked him to change our activities, such that we don't do things centered around drinking. And he doesn't drink everyday, in fact, he has lessened the amount he drinks when home, but he likes to drink a few (3 or 4 beers) on a Friday or Saturday evening, and he won't stop this for me. He likes to drink. And as I've written, he doesn't have the same problem like myself. With time, with my example, I'm hoping he'll give up drinking at home, only drink when he goes out with friends or dinner, but I don't know if that will happen. I agree with you, if he went to an alanon, or researched addition, he might change, but he's not there. For now, all I can do is stay true to what I'm doing for me. Thanks Anne for the input.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to sit there and watch them drink. I go to bed and read a lot. My husband has not been drinking much, he says he'd like to stop too. Ho pefully you can talk to your husnand and ask him to not drink infront of you. X
ReplyDeleteYes, I read a lot as well, in my room, which I enjoy. I also play my Candy Crush on the computer, or do so crafts, which means I don't watch any television with him. As this is when he likes to have a few beers and unwind. I have talked to him and have asked him not to drink in front of me, and he's trying to a degree. But it's his home too, and so I can't dictate "that he can't drink". Hopefully, I'll get to where it "doesn't" bother me, but as you know, it's hard.
DeleteI'm late to this post but I just created my blog yesterday. I'm just reading through all of your really interesting postings and had to comment here.
ReplyDeleteHave a beer! I thought I was the only one whose husband could not understand why I couldn’t just have a beer. He thinks it is just the wine that really messes me up. Why can’t you just drink beer like you used to 20 years ago? You never got so f’ed up on beer as you do with wine. Well, it is like this…sure I can drink beer but I would require about 10 beers to get a good buzz on. Why do you think I drink? Sigh…