Day 38 - Merry Christmas

May your Christmas be merry and bright!

And sober!!

32 Days - Office Christmas Party

Today was my company's Christmas party.  It has become a low keyed affair, given the last few years the company hasn't done very well.  I've been there almost seven years.  The first three Christmas parties were alcohol infused events; at one of them, I drank too much to where I needed a ride home.  Times have changed.  I drank Perrier and watermelon juice.  Lots of it!  I did not miss having a Margarita at all!  There were only 15 people, and half drank, but not much.  We had some games to play, did a white elephant gift exchange, ate, and had a nice time together.  When I left, I felt good.  In the past, I would have started drinking at noon, and kept up through the night.  Here it is 6:30 p.m., ready to relax, read maybe, then hit the sack by 8:30.

It's still early days yet, and I know there will be times where I will struggle.  For now, today, I did not.

:-)

Day 28 - 28 Days

Four weeks down, and I'm feeling just okay.  I am in limbo.  Why?

Because of the amount of cheer around me which is alcohol related!  All holiday parties I have been invited too, Christmas lunches, work festive events, and Sunday football gatherings all have alcohol as the central part of the event. I've managed to navigate around this season by not attending as many events as I could have, staying for short periods of time, and pretending I don't miss drinking!

But I do.

I've tried all sorts of things to take my mind off wanting to drink.  Getting up early, taking long walks, reading, meeting up with the few people I know who do not drink, etc.  Even window shopping, which I don't really like to do!

One thing which I'm doing, which I'm enjoying, but I feel a bit guilt about, is watching excessive amounts of movies, You Tube videos and Netflix.  I have prided myself on being one of those who rarely watched anything.  I thought it made me more productive to do other things, instead of sitting in front of a T.V. screen; but I realized a lot of the others things I did do, all involved drinking.  Not always to a bad degree by any means, but drinking none-the-less.

And I miss some of those times.

I decided this weekend to watch, read, and/or listen to nothing but sober (or getting sober) related things.  And I came across the movie 28 Days, with Sandra Bullock.  I like Sandra Bullock movies. I had seen this movie before, but did not recall all the details.  As I watched, I kept thinking, I was never that bad, never...however, there were glimpses of myself in her character.  While I've never been to rehab, some of the truths she came to realized hit home with me. At the end of the movie, she holds strong to stay the course, not giving in to the trap she was finally getting out of.

Of course it's only a movie, but so many truths of beating the addiction were there.  I know to get to the other side, it takes work, effort, and a belief things will get better.  A few fellow bloggers have repeatedly told me it's true; I believe them, I do.

However, I need to accept those times for what they were, some good, some bad, but all done with.

Today I am another day closer to getting to the other side of limbo.  I am not in despair.  I am well.  I want to keep going, to see the days build up. I want to embrace this journey as an adventure with excitement, like I did four weeks ago.

I will soon!  I believe. I believe. I do.

Day 25 - Great Thoughts

I don't express myself as much on my blog as others do on theirs, and that's okay.  Sometimes, less can be more, so I leave you with a few quotes which sum up how I'm feeling now.

"Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong." - Mandy Hale

"True self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to build a life you don't need to regulary escape from." - Brianna West

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time." - Edith Wharton

Day 20 - Not As Easy As I Had Hoped It Would Be

Saturday night, just after 6pm, after a long, eventful day and I want to have a drink.  Really, a few drinks.  I won't have them, but I want them.  I do not physically crave them, it's more the thought of the flow of the alcohol hitting my blood stream and changing my mindset, relaxing me.  I miss that feeling.  I do.

What is so hard is thinking these thoughts.  I try not to; I try to keep busy; I allow myself sweets; I leave and do things, and it all helps, but those thoughts are still there.  I know from all I read of those who have broken this cycle, it is time which will make these thoughts become less and less, until they are no more.

I have made it 30, 35, 60 and almost a 100 day stretches at a time with no drinking.  Shit, I can honestly say I've had more non-drinking days, than drinking days in the last two years; and I have felt better for it, no doubt.  But when I started this blog, the point was to drink No More.

I don't want to give up now, not this time. I want to beat my record at least!

I can hold on for one more day. 

I know, tomorrow morning, I will be okay.

Day 17 - Rain

It's raining very hard here in Southern California.  I love it!  If only I could be at home for the next 50 days, in weather like this, reading, crafting, eating good hot soups/stews, and resting away, maybe I'd wake up free of any desires to drink alcohol.  Like a caterpillar, waking to a butterfly.

Wouldn't that be lovely?

Day 15 - A Little Wobbly

Made it through the Thanksgiving holidays with NO drinking!!  Only one day, last Friday, did I get down because I wanted to drink.  I told myself it was no big deal, the itch/urge would pass and it did.

I keep re-reading back over my blog, to all those entries where I said how awful I felt, how I needed to get sober for good, how alcohol was no good for me and the reasons why and YET I still miss drinking.  I simply don't want to not miss it anymore.

I know (okay, for now, I'm hoping) that day will come, if I hold-on to not giving into drinking now.

One thing I know for sure, tomorrow is another new day.  Tomorrow I may miss drinking just a little less than today.  Tomorrow I may get my groove back.