is a new day; an exciting day; a day where I'm going to make a fantastic new beginning, a fresh start!
Sunday, November 17, 2019
Friday, November 15, 2019
Goodbyes
My daughter left last night, back to Germany and her hubby. I miss her already. She's lived aboard for 2 years now, and I've gotten used to her being away. When she first left, I cried and cried. I felt the change in our relationship, by her marrying and moving so far away, would end our closeness. It didn't. We are as close as ever. She plans to move back to the USA soon. I can't wait for that day!
A few people have died unexpectedly this year, my step-father, my boss, and the son of a very good friend. Even, just two days ago, a co-workers little dog (only had him a year) died. While I don't mourn for the dog per-say, I do feel for my co-worker, as she is very upset and sad. I'm getting at an age where people passing and me having to saying goodbye to them is reality. We all die, but we don't think about it much, until we have quite a few years under our belts. The hard part, is when people leave unexpectedly and/or at young age, which was the case with my three deaths this year.
I didn't get to say goodbye to any of them, and it makes me feel lost. I choose to believe they have gone on to where all of us do when we pass, into our loved ones minds and hearts.
And so, in a couple days, I'm saying GOODBYE to alcohol. This goodbye has been long in coming, too long in fact. This goodbye, is a needed goodbye. While I'm a little scared, I more so happy for it to finally be here! Really I am.
So goodbyes this year have been plenty for me, in many ways.
The most important and best one is just a couple days away.
I am ready.
Hello sobriety! Here I come!!
A few people have died unexpectedly this year, my step-father, my boss, and the son of a very good friend. Even, just two days ago, a co-workers little dog (only had him a year) died. While I don't mourn for the dog per-say, I do feel for my co-worker, as she is very upset and sad. I'm getting at an age where people passing and me having to saying goodbye to them is reality. We all die, but we don't think about it much, until we have quite a few years under our belts. The hard part, is when people leave unexpectedly and/or at young age, which was the case with my three deaths this year.
I didn't get to say goodbye to any of them, and it makes me feel lost. I choose to believe they have gone on to where all of us do when we pass, into our loved ones minds and hearts.
And so, in a couple days, I'm saying GOODBYE to alcohol. This goodbye has been long in coming, too long in fact. This goodbye, is a needed goodbye. While I'm a little scared, I more so happy for it to finally be here! Really I am.
So goodbyes this year have been plenty for me, in many ways.
The most important and best one is just a couple days away.
I am ready.
Hello sobriety! Here I come!!
Monday, November 11, 2019
Year Two - Until I'm Broken
I've been trying years to stop drinking. I started blogging in 2016 and gained some momentum, but haven't been able to quit 100%. I'm going to give it another shot, starting Monday, November 18th. It is such a joke, waiting for another weekend to pass before trying again, but that is the way of an addictive mind. I feel ready this time. I know it will be a challenge, but it can be done.
I was feeling really good there for awhile. I had reached my 30 day challenge with my sober buddy back in late April. I continued for a couple more days with no drink, when I decided (unwisely) to drink for Memorial weekend. The goal was to enjoy some drinks, here and there, and start another long stretch of no drinking come Monday, May 27th.
The ugly details, I drank a whole bottle of wine on an empty stomach that Friday night, within two and a half hours, before heading out to dinner. All I remember of the evening, is sitting at the table looking down at another glass of wine. The next morning, before the sun even came up, my husband asked if I remembered the evening. Oh know, here we go..."no". He asked, "how do you feel?" I didn't have a hangover, but I felt sluggish and stiff. He then said, go look at yourself in the mirror. As soon as he said that, I felt my forehead and felt the bump. I decided to go back to sleep. I didn't want to confront myself by going to look at myself in the mirror. At 10 am, I opened my eyes and decided to go face the mirror. What I saw wasn't pretty. I had blacked out at dinner. My husband said I was drunk and slurring my words, but I ate and managed to get to the truck to go home. Once in the garage, as I was getting out of the truck, I fell and smacked my head/face into the garage floor. I had bruises and a cut nose. It wasn't a pretty site. I had never done something like this to myself before (well, not to this degree), AND I SWORE, no more drinking EVER.
Haven't managed that, started drinking a month later, but I've not had horrible episodes, blackouts, hangovers or early morning wake-up jitters from drinking too much. I've drank less than more, have had good stretches in between, and I'm rarely drinking at home.
It's gotten easier, to forgo drinking, for the sake of drinking to zone out. I know it's a slippery slope. I know people who may read this will think "it's a joke" I even have the nerve to write this, but that's okay. The only nagging bit, I told my girlfriend, whose son is dealing with liver cancer, I would take her message to heart, "just don't drink." I haven't. Her son passed 10 days ago.
A new sober buddy, Jim @ Life Beyond Booze, asked me to give it another shot, and would support me with some additional side help. When he asked, I jumped right on the offer. Why didn't I start right away? Daughter was coming from Germany to visit for a couple weeks, and I knew I would drink. So I decided when she left, I would start.
I'm feeling stronger about it this time. So here I go again.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!
I was feeling really good there for awhile. I had reached my 30 day challenge with my sober buddy back in late April. I continued for a couple more days with no drink, when I decided (unwisely) to drink for Memorial weekend. The goal was to enjoy some drinks, here and there, and start another long stretch of no drinking come Monday, May 27th.
The ugly details, I drank a whole bottle of wine on an empty stomach that Friday night, within two and a half hours, before heading out to dinner. All I remember of the evening, is sitting at the table looking down at another glass of wine. The next morning, before the sun even came up, my husband asked if I remembered the evening. Oh know, here we go..."no". He asked, "how do you feel?" I didn't have a hangover, but I felt sluggish and stiff. He then said, go look at yourself in the mirror. As soon as he said that, I felt my forehead and felt the bump. I decided to go back to sleep. I didn't want to confront myself by going to look at myself in the mirror. At 10 am, I opened my eyes and decided to go face the mirror. What I saw wasn't pretty. I had blacked out at dinner. My husband said I was drunk and slurring my words, but I ate and managed to get to the truck to go home. Once in the garage, as I was getting out of the truck, I fell and smacked my head/face into the garage floor. I had bruises and a cut nose. It wasn't a pretty site. I had never done something like this to myself before (well, not to this degree), AND I SWORE, no more drinking EVER.
Haven't managed that, started drinking a month later, but I've not had horrible episodes, blackouts, hangovers or early morning wake-up jitters from drinking too much. I've drank less than more, have had good stretches in between, and I'm rarely drinking at home.
It's gotten easier, to forgo drinking, for the sake of drinking to zone out. I know it's a slippery slope. I know people who may read this will think "it's a joke" I even have the nerve to write this, but that's okay. The only nagging bit, I told my girlfriend, whose son is dealing with liver cancer, I would take her message to heart, "just don't drink." I haven't. Her son passed 10 days ago.
A new sober buddy, Jim @ Life Beyond Booze, asked me to give it another shot, and would support me with some additional side help. When he asked, I jumped right on the offer. Why didn't I start right away? Daughter was coming from Germany to visit for a couple weeks, and I knew I would drink. So I decided when she left, I would start.
I'm feeling stronger about it this time. So here I go again.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!
Thursday, September 19, 2019
Buddies Do Help!
I have two blog buddies I communicate with off our blog sites (and on to them too at times).
Habit and I started helping each other back in April. Jim and I, only recently, although we did initially touch base two years ago. Today I was sharing with Habit, and I decided a portion of what I wrote her, I would share here. It's something I want to remember.
Who knows when, how, why, and if we will ever truly stop 100% drinking alcohol. I know I want too, but I don't know why I haven't made it stick. I refuse to accept I am weak, bad, stupid, or insane. I am not perfect. As long as I move towards being better and better, in any number of things I'm dealing with, then it's progress. I am okay and good enough. And I have to hold on to that knowledge. Many can, will, do judge what I'm expressing here, and that's okay too. I have to do me.
You do you!
I'm on a dry streak, since Sunday, 9/8 so today makes it day 12, 11 days down. I haven't had much urges. I think it's because I am motivated by Jim. No idea how long this will last, but so far, not much thinking on when I will drink next. This isn't to say, I won't fall and that this time, I know I will never drink again! Not sure if this is good or not good to think this way. I've done so many times, where I've said, written, believed, "this is it." For it not to be so. What I know, right now, and for today, at least, is I won't drink alcohol. As Scarlett O'Hara so famously said, "I can't think about that now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow."
Not bad advice from Scarlett.
Friday, September 13, 2019
One Thought
No one should be discouraged […] who can make constant progress, even though it be slow.” – Plato
Enough said.
Enough said.
Thursday, September 12, 2019
Not Fair
Today a very dear friend of mine called. I've known her for just over twenty years; met while working together at our previous company. Eight years ago, she move from California to Kentucky. She wanted to get away from the rat race, live on a farm and enjoy life at a slower pace. We've stayed in touch because we share a special bond of friendship. We were never meant to be friends. If it hadn't been for working at the same place, we would never have gotten to known each other like we do.
She is quiet, shy, a bit introverted, and very Christian. Her faith is very strong, and she follows her faith strongly. I'm loud, boisterous, extroverted and not very religious at all. Regardless of our differences, we came to understand and respect each's uniqueness's. We also share the same birthday.
As usual with our phone calls, she lets me do all the talking and sharing, listening attentively. When I finally stopped talking, I asked how she was doing, and she shared what she had been doing for the past month or so. Then she said she had something very importnat to say to me, she had a catch in her voice, "please stop drinking." She knows I struggle with drinking, she knows I've tried to stop, and she's never judge me for all the stops and starts. Then she went on to share her son has, recently, been diagnosed with a rare and agressive form of liver cancer (cholangiocarcinoma). He's not a drinker, never has been. The outlook isn't good; the doctors have recommended starting palliative chemotherapy soon, but even with chemo they expect he'll have 6-18 months at best. Of course, the hope is he'll have a miraculous recovery, but the odds are he won't. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He's only 37. Then she went on to say how hard it is to see someone go through the agony of having liver cancer. She loves me and doesn't want something like this to happen to me. So please just stop drinking, so it won't.
Saturday was the last time I drank. I decided I was going to give "not drinking" another go. Just before my friend called, I had thought, "I haven't drank for four days, why don't I just have a couple beers with dinner tonight." Of course, I also told myself, "but you said you were not going to drink".
And then the phone call. WOW!
I told my friend what I had just been thinking before she called. God works wonders she said.
I have no desire to drink. How could I? A very young man is going through something very difficult at no fault of his own. And his very wonderful mom is hurting. And she thought of me during this time.
She is quiet, shy, a bit introverted, and very Christian. Her faith is very strong, and she follows her faith strongly. I'm loud, boisterous, extroverted and not very religious at all. Regardless of our differences, we came to understand and respect each's uniqueness's. We also share the same birthday.
As usual with our phone calls, she lets me do all the talking and sharing, listening attentively. When I finally stopped talking, I asked how she was doing, and she shared what she had been doing for the past month or so. Then she said she had something very importnat to say to me, she had a catch in her voice, "please stop drinking." She knows I struggle with drinking, she knows I've tried to stop, and she's never judge me for all the stops and starts. Then she went on to share her son has, recently, been diagnosed with a rare and agressive form of liver cancer (cholangiocarcinoma). He's not a drinker, never has been. The outlook isn't good; the doctors have recommended starting palliative chemotherapy soon, but even with chemo they expect he'll have 6-18 months at best. Of course, the hope is he'll have a miraculous recovery, but the odds are he won't. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He's only 37. Then she went on to say how hard it is to see someone go through the agony of having liver cancer. She loves me and doesn't want something like this to happen to me. So please just stop drinking, so it won't.
Saturday was the last time I drank. I decided I was going to give "not drinking" another go. Just before my friend called, I had thought, "I haven't drank for four days, why don't I just have a couple beers with dinner tonight." Of course, I also told myself, "but you said you were not going to drink".
And then the phone call. WOW!
I told my friend what I had just been thinking before she called. God works wonders she said.
I have no desire to drink. How could I? A very young man is going through something very difficult at no fault of his own. And his very wonderful mom is hurting. And she thought of me during this time.
Sunday, August 11, 2019
Another Birthday!
I started this blog a couple months before my 55th birthday. Now you know how old I'll be in a week's time! As I've written, I got to a point in my late forties where I knew I was in trouble with alcohol. I never consider myself an alcoholic, still don't, but for purposes of being honest with myself, I am. As my 50th birthday was approaching, I said I would stop the over indulging, rein back the amount I was drinking. Of course, this did not happened. What happened? We all know, it got worse. I could write a saga of things, the whats, whys, how comes, but the bottom line, I had to stop.
It's taken me seven years to get here, which is not sober, but better off. I don't drink anywhere near the way I did two years ago. This year, I can count on my hand how many times I got drunk to the degree of shamefulness, which is five times too many. I've managed to go long spurts without drinking, managed to drink responsibly, and do not drink by myself. Good progress. I'm proud of myself, but then again, I'm not.
I know it's best not to drink at all. I have know this for a very long time. I have written numerous times, I ready to do this once and for all.
I know. But I have not done so.
I know one day I will.
What I do know, is I'm in a better place with my life.
Better is good.
It's taken me seven years to get here, which is not sober, but better off. I don't drink anywhere near the way I did two years ago. This year, I can count on my hand how many times I got drunk to the degree of shamefulness, which is five times too many. I've managed to go long spurts without drinking, managed to drink responsibly, and do not drink by myself. Good progress. I'm proud of myself, but then again, I'm not.
I know it's best not to drink at all. I have know this for a very long time. I have written numerous times, I ready to do this once and for all.
I know. But I have not done so.
I know one day I will.
What I do know, is I'm in a better place with my life.
Better is good.
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