I'm okay, but I've not written because I feel bad for drinking these past two months. Not like before, but I know it's a slippery slope. And I did have one episode of blacking out on September 30th. Which you'd think would stop me in my tracks....I'm in a place where I don't want to share my feelings. Not a depression, but a feeling of defeat in this road of not drinking.
There I did it! Baby steps again. I'm okay.
I hear you! You echo my thoughts. I know the other side is better but I can't seem to fully get there and I feel guilty when I don't. Time will tell I guess.
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ReplyDeleteThank you Habit for understanding. I know everyone (let me assume everyone) on these blogs are considerate, understanding and sympathetic to one like me, who slips up. However, because of my own sense of defeat, I feel bad for not sticking with the plan. Plus, I won’t pretend to myself, there are some who must get tired of reading about one’s lapses. And I couldn’t blame them. I started this blog because I wanted accountability, and it has helped. I use to drink every day, too much, and since I started this blog on June 5th, I’ve drank 24 days out of 142 days, two of those days being bad. Meaning too much, one of them where I blacked out. So percentage wise, I’m doing well. I know I feel better when I don’t drink. I know it’s great for my health. I’ve saved so much money, not drinking, so why can’t I seem to stay on course. Because I need more help. I don’t want to go to AA, I don’t feel right there. I agree, time will tell, but I have to work towards the change a little differently to get where I want to be, on the other side. I can do this. I will do this. When?? Now!!!! Okay, let's be real, soon, very soon.
ReplyDeleteBeing honest really is important. I know I couldn't get sober until I really looked at the way I was hiding my drinking.
ReplyDeleteI had to be aware of what I was doing.
Big Hugs!
xo
Wendy
Recovery is recovery - I read at Grey's Recovery how recovery can be compared to a hammer and you are building a house. I think that is how it goes - just because you make house-building mistakes doesn't mean you a) aren't still building it or b) you have lost the hammer.
ReplyDeleteThe day you stood up and said I want to be accountable means so much. apparently recovery can start either before you stop drinking, when you stop drinking or after you stop drinking. There are no rules and guilt only makes you feel like shit honey. It helps no one - it isn't a secret way to make you stick to the plan - it's a horrible depressing dumb feeling that you don't need. You are so much better Lia.
Loads of Love
Michelle xxx