I Gave In...Heavy Heart Today

No sugar coating it, I got drunk last night.

I didn't want to write this today.
But I knew I should, because I don't want to play games in my head about it.
I couldn't fight the self-talk.
There's a story, but I'm not ready to share details.

I don't want to drink today.

I'm tremendously disappointed in myself.

And I'm sad I let those who have cheered me on, down.

85

I've made it!  85 days not drinking.  This is the longest I've gone without drinking since my late 20's!  It's taken hard work, but it can be done and it's worth it.  I'm no where near "cured" and what I mean by that is, I still have desires and longings for drinking.  I wish this wasn't the case, but it's the truth.  I'm not sad, angry or mad about giving up drinking (well, for today), because it wasn't doing me any good.  I'm better off, no doubt.  I haven't had a hangover, blackout, slip up, nor meanie me taking over my body since I've stopped.  And there are many other benefits as well, better health, better sleep, saving money, just to name a few...however, one "not so good" thing has come from stopping drinking.  I EAT TOO MUCH.  I've gained 4 pounds.  At this rate, I'll be rolling down the streets if I don't watch it!

Oh well, I'll deal with my eating issues later, there's just so much one can do, right?

But I've made it pass 85 days, and that's something to be proud of!!!

Where's the motivation?

Sixty days in, back at the beginning of March, I wrote about this month being "motivational".  I wanted to do different things, incorporate new ideas, try stuff out of my normal routine, etc.  Well, I haven't managed much of anything it seems.  I keep my home up (not like typical) with the minimal amount of effort; I eat out too often because I don't want to cook; I go to work; I mostly read or play Candy Crush on the computer; and I try "not" to be a bit@h to my husband.  I feel in limbo.

I know it's not the end of the world, but I'm disppointed in myself.  I shouldn't be, but I am.

Feelings change, so maybe "motivational" March was really meant to be "mundane".  Which is okay.  Tomorrow is another day.  And who knows, April can be so many things.

The good thing, I'm still sober.

80

A rainy day. 
I like it. 

A good day.
I feel great.

A non drinking day.
I am lucky.

How is your day?

Spring

The first day of Spring.  Southern California is sunny more times than not, especially by this time of the year, but wouldn't you know it, we are to have our biggest rain storm, of the year, in the next day or so.  We need the rain, so it's really a blessing, but the darker days haven't been good for my mood.  This year just isn't going the way I envisioned.

I started the year off with a great attitude about giving up drinking once and for all!  The first 40 days or so it was pretty easy, but as time has gone by I've lost the enthusiasm.  Why?  It doesn't really matter the why, it's just the case.  I knew it was going to get tough at times, but I thought I'd have a better attitude about it all.  Good old attitude.

Today, I told myself to just let it all go.  Let the new "seeds" of gratitude, contentment and joy set in to grow.  I'm lucky in so many ways.  I have my health, food and shelter; I have people who care and love me; I have enough money to take care of my family; I have a decent paying job; I have more than enough in my life to be thankful for, so just be appreciative.

As many have shared, I'm worth it to be happy, if I just let the agony of drinking go.

Today is the first day of Spring, a new day to start fresh.

I feel like I'm going to give in any minute...

Day 75

I'm just so fed up with trying "not" to drink!  I know I should not drink, for all of the million, bilzillion reasons I've and many other have written about!  But I want to have a few glasses or cups or bottles of some kind of alcohol.  I want to feel the slow burn down my throat, the finger like wisps creep up my blood stream and my brain turn slowly mellow.  The first two drinks will do this, I know, but then, then it's all bets off, because if two drinks are good, well three, four, five will be even better.  I will only get drunk, act mean, eat too much, black out and wake up tomorrow regretting the whole thing.  And yet, I'm constantly fighting myself about all this!

How will I ever know what the other side of 100 days could be like, if I give up now?  Stay strong they say, but right now I feel like the biggest loser.  Every second is agony in my mind, fighting the urges.  I've read blogs, I've called up my support people, I'm blogging right now, and I'm still want to drink.  Given all the tools and help, it's ultimately ME who has to say NO!  I never knew fighting myself about something so very important could be so, so very hard. But it is hard.

I also know PAWS is at play here, many have gone through this, but why can't I seem to go with the flow of it all!  I'm just so angry at myself!!

It's 6:12pm, and I'm going to scream, then cry, then pray I can make it through the night. 

Tomorrow morning can't get here fast enough.

Weary

Spring is almost here and I can't wait.  10+ days, I've been so out of it; really weary, drained, tired...

I keep holding on for the second upswing to come.  When I first started dry January, my spirits were high.  I felt great.  I knew I was doing a wonderful thing for myself.  I still am, but at this time, I'm so out of it!  I'm not depressed, I just seem to have no energy.  I'm getting enough sleep, I'm eating well, but more sugar than usual, but alcohol has a lot of sugar, so I don't think it's that.  I'm exercising during my lunch hour, and trying to do a bit at home in the mornings, so I don't get it.

So much for motivational March. 

But I'm still not drinking!  So it's all good.

Happy Pi Day!

70

I did it!

I passed my longest stretch of 68 days since starting this climb. 

Thanks to all those who said I could do this and cheered me on!  I have a ways to go before...well, let's just say the upward climb is still a challenge, but where I'm at, it looks good to look back to where I started.

Suffering

"We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret.  The difference is the pain of discipline weighs ounces while the pain of regret weighs tons." -- Jim Rohn

When I came across this quote, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  For the moment, while I'm in my baby steps of getting sober once and for all, I am suffering.  But for a worthwhile cause, for a goal so important, it's worth the pain, agony, tears and sweat.  The reality is the suffering is something I CAN go through BECAUSE the "pain of regret" is too much to bear.

I'm tired of all the regrets associated with drinking alcohol to the extreme.  If I must suffer for awhile, to get to the other side of this path I'm on, it's worth every ounce to get there!  I don't want tons of regret in my life.

And as so many have shared, the beauty on the other side is worth it all. 

Sometimes I Feel Like a Fraud

It's Saturday early afternoon, on a cold and wet day in Southern California.  We need the rain.  It doesn't rain here enough, so any rain we get is a blessing. 

I woke up very early, went out for breakfast with my husband and came home to clean house as he left for a dental appointment.  When he got back at 11 a.m., we went for our weekend run, which includes grocery shopping, odd and end stops, and gassing up the vehicle.  Given the weather, we've decided to stay in this evening and enjoy our fireplace.

The fire is going, my husband is watching golf drinking beer.  I'm drinking a Beck's alcohol free beer, it taste good, but it's not really satisfying.  I want a glass of wine.  So I thought, let me go on the computer and check my blog, as comments really help me get through these wavering moments.  When I reply back, I feel positive.  I like sharing my feelings about all this, but a part of me feels like a big fat fraud. 

Why? I don't believe I'll make it.  The longer I go without alcohol, the more I think I can control it.  Really, it's more I "want" to think I can control it.  How screwed up is that?  One of the factors behind this thought process, is after my last 68 day run, which ended mid-August, I did decently with moderating my drinking for the rest of the year.  However, there where five times where I drank to the point of no return, two times blacking out.  Just writing this makes me cringe.  They weren't all at the end, meaning in December, but the last two times were at Christmas parties.  And of course, each time, I hated myself for tripping up.  Given what I just wrote, how could I even think to drink again??  But I can, and that scares me most of all.

From all I've read on various blogs, 100 days marks a point where my mind should not think so much about failing.  I'm determine to get there.  Maybe when I hit 70 days, I'll feel less of a fraud.  I hope so.

12,775!

I just left a comment over at http://mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.com/ Mummy was a Secret Drinker's blog.  Great advice for people who are on their second month of giving up the booze.  She writes about making an inspirational vision board.  Go read what she has to say, it's interesting.  And so I'm going to give it a whirl.  One of the things I plan to put on it is the numbers 100, 1000 and 12,775. 

Wouldn't that be fantastic to make it straight through to 12,775 days without drinking!  Maybe I should actually put 16,425 instead.  100 years old sounds possible these days, right?

Happy Friday Everyone!

65

I've made it to 65 days with no alcohol, again, been here before. 

As I've written here many times before, I'm looking forward to 70 days, as that will be my new all time record of consecutive days not drinking!

The past few days have been pretty good ones in terms of not fixating on drinking.  Actually, I've gotten to a place where drinking during the week isn't something I miss too much.  It's the weekends which are still a challenge to get through, but I'm staying focused.

Wine Bitch wrote a blog on the 7 triggers for wanting to drink.  The main trigger for me, at this point, is boredom.  There's no reason to be bored, as I love to read;  I like making little crafts;  I enjoy talking with people; I like to go out and about, thrift shop, etc.  And yet, I find myself thinking I'm bored and a alcohol head change would be enjoyable.  Honestly to a point it would be, for me. 

BUT, it never stays on a enjoyable, healthy level.  It hasn't in a long, long time.  Sure, occasionally it did, but I always manage to cross the point eventually.  Then, it just went down hill from there.  This is what I keep reminding myself, over and over and over and over....

Anyway, I'm okay, because I'm not drinking.

Today, I need to go do something new and exciting, so I decided to get a bikini wax at the local cosmetology school.  Fifty-five years old isn't too old to start!  LOL!

Temptation

"The temptation to quit will be greatest, just before you are about to succeed."

I don't know the author of this quote. 
It's a very good one.
It's something I'm holding onto right now.

60

Sixty days no alcohol!

Been here before, so I'm still a little shaky on the long term goal, which is to not drink alcohol every again.  However, I'm not focusing on "forever" right now.  My next mini goal is to get to 70 days, as 68 days was my longest stretch not drinking since "who knows when"...anyway, I feel confident I'll get there.

Two months down, March upon us, and I want to focus on other things.  I've really have laid very low with life.  Not much visiting, going out and about, or keeping my house in order, but that's okay.  I needed to focus on just not drinking.  Now it's time to motivate myself to move forward into new territories; do something new or different everyday.  Whether walk a different path on my lunch time break, eat somewhere new, paint my husbands toes, whatever it may be, I want to live a exciting life now that I'm a little better.

Motivational March it is!!!