Day 75
I'm just so fed up with trying "not" to drink! I know I should not drink, for all of the million, bilzillion reasons I've and many other have written about! But I want to have a few glasses or cups or bottles of some kind of alcohol. I want to feel the slow burn down my throat, the finger like wisps creep up my blood stream and my brain turn slowly mellow. The first two drinks will do this, I know, but then, then it's all bets off, because if two drinks are good, well three, four, five will be even better. I will only get drunk, act mean, eat too much, black out and wake up tomorrow regretting the whole thing. And yet, I'm constantly fighting myself about all this!
How will I ever know what the other side of 100 days could be like, if I give up now? Stay strong they say, but right now I feel like the biggest loser. Every second is agony in my mind, fighting the urges. I've read blogs, I've called up my support people, I'm blogging right now, and I'm still want to drink. Given all the tools and help, it's ultimately ME who has to say NO! I never knew fighting myself about something so very important could be so, so very hard. But it is hard.
I also know PAWS is at play here, many have gone through this, but why can't I seem to go with the flow of it all! I'm just so angry at myself!!
It's 6:12pm, and I'm going to scream, then cry, then pray I can make it through the night.
Tomorrow morning can't get here fast enough.
Oh friend I know it can be SO hard at times. Keep doing the things you are doing...it will suck so much to start over after -seventy-five- days. Belle suggests just going to bed and I’ve done that with the relaxation trick of counting backwards from 100 but really -visualizing- was here number and linking it to a breath. I’ve also taken really long hot tub baths because having to dry off and get dressed puts extra slow-down-reconsider time in. I’m thinking all the most positive thoughts for you as you fight the good fight!
ReplyDeleteBig hugs,
S
Please don't give in. I know that feeling you have a I truly believe it's got something to do with brain neurotransmitters dopamine, GABA, seratonin. Your brain is craving something. Try getting into nature, yoga, eating well and supplements. This will take time, so for right now I'd do what Sam KD said. Go to bed, perhaps have a warm bath first. Tomorriw go out and get yourself a reward for making it through yet another tough day. Know that it will pass. You dont really want to drink.
ReplyDeleteI hope you made it through yesterday ok. Remember what you posted the other day"the temptation to quit will be strongest just before you are about to succeed" Go out and get some fancy paper and ink or go to a print show and print out 20 of these and post them everywhere including on you car steering wheel so you see it right before you drive off to the shop.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that if you get angry enough and fed up enough you might drink despite all the hurdles. The only thing I can tell you 100% is you will regret it and feel way worse.
No one said it was easy and these all day cravings are killer BUT they do go away if you grind it out.
Go on you tube and see if you can find a video of someone off their face drunk and see if that is what you would like for yourself. Just keep trying anything to get through this.
This comment is for all three of you lovely ladies, Sam, PTDG and GG. I cannot thank you enough for the words of support, advice and wisdom. I MADE IT THROUGH LAST NIGHT!
DeleteSunday morning here is just beautiful, crisp and very blue, sunny skies. I'm going to go out and about today, and just breath. I do feel so much better and I'm you all were right, I would have ruined so much momentum, and for what?
All you ladies know, in my prayers I ask God, help us all because we need the help, we are worth it.
xoxo, ll
This was so great for me to read today. It is worth it, you ARE worth it! I'm really motivated today to make some serious changes in my life and seeing you make it through that evening was inspiring. Thanks for posting about it.
DeleteI’m SO stoked! Just think - now the beast won’t ever be quite as huge because getting through last night grew not just sober muscle but sober memories. “I got through it last time; I can get through it this time” is a powerful mantra. Go you!
DeleteExcellent, great to hear! X
DeleteI’m glad you made it.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard. Really hard. But it’s worth the struggle.
Hugs
Anne
Hi Lia!
ReplyDeleteI am SO glad you made it!!
It is worth the struggle, and it will get better!!
xo
Wendy