It's Saturday early afternoon, on a cold and wet day in Southern California. We need the rain. It doesn't rain here enough, so any rain we get is a blessing.
I woke up very early, went out for breakfast with my husband and came home to clean house as he left for a dental appointment. When he got back at 11 a.m., we went for our weekend run, which includes grocery shopping, odd and end stops, and gassing up the vehicle. Given the weather, we've decided to stay in this evening and enjoy our fireplace.
The fire is going, my husband is watching golf drinking beer. I'm drinking a Beck's alcohol free beer, it taste good, but it's not really satisfying. I want a glass of wine. So I thought, let me go on the computer and check my blog, as comments really help me get through these wavering moments. When I reply back, I feel positive. I like sharing my feelings about all this, but a part of me feels like a big fat fraud.
Why? I don't believe I'll make it. The longer I go without alcohol, the more I think I can control it. Really, it's more I "want" to think I can control it. How screwed up is that? One of the factors behind this thought process, is after my last 68 day run, which ended mid-August, I did decently with moderating my drinking for the rest of the year. However, there where five times where I drank to the point of no return, two times blacking out. Just writing this makes me cringe. They weren't all at the end, meaning in December, but the last two times were at Christmas parties. And of course, each time, I hated myself for tripping up. Given what I just wrote, how could I even think to drink again?? But I can, and that scares me most of all.
From all I've read on various blogs, 100 days marks a point where my mind should not think so much about failing. I'm determine to get there. Maybe when I hit 70 days, I'll feel less of a fraud. I hope so.
No. The small fear of failing will always be there. It helps remind us that we have made our choice, but to maintain our sobriety we need to work on ourselves.
ReplyDeleteTo learn to understand ourselves. To love ourselves.
Aa is one path. The 12 steps have some intense aspects of self awareness. They are worth considering.
And there are other options, of course.
Wanting to drink is totally normal because we have normalized it.
You are ok. Keep going and see.
Anne
Thank you Anne for sharing and supporting me to keep going. I am fortunate, as I do have a network (outside of blogging) who are there to help me along this journey. The main obstacle, is myself. I'm trying very hard to understand why I "want" to drink so much of the time. As you wrote, drinking is considered a "normal" past time, for almost every (if not all) occasions and therefore, I assume I'm not normal. It's taking time, but slowly I hope to be as confident and secure about never drinking AGAIN as you are!
DeleteWork in progress...I'll keep going until I see.
xo, ll
Like Anne, I think that fear of not being able to make it will always be there. It will bite you in the arise when you least expect it to. I also think that us people who cannot be normal drinkers need something to remind us of that fact every so often.
ReplyDeleteWithout that fear, we become complacent. Complacency is a slippery slope.
Thanks Mrs W! Your post today really helped me to think about why I'm doing this in the first place. I'm not a normal drinker. I won't pretend that I don't wish I could be, but I've proven to myself, many, many times before, I'm not.
DeleteYou're doing so well, I'll never catch up, but I can follow your lead! :-)
There are no guarantees in sobriety except if you go back to drinking you WILL regret it. Trust me as someone who has gone back three times!!! And yes it does make me feel sick writing that.
ReplyDeleteNot everyone rides the pink cloud for the first few months, some get sick and bored of being sober after a few more months but as you know yourself from reading these blogs, when anyone comes back it is because the pain of being drunk nightly is worse than the pain of being sober in the early days. If you have never had the post 100 days of feeling better, lighter, brighter, happier and well rested, then hold out for that and see how you feel.
Remember you don't have to plan a lifetime of sobriety, just today!
Thank you GG for those brave words, "Remember you don't have to plan a lifetime of sobriety, just today!" Tomorrow is my 70 day goal. 100 is the next milestone. I'm not going to project further than that, for now.
DeleteAll I know for sure, is I won't drink today.
Do not waste anytime getting your drug addiction help because if you continue to use there is no telling what kind of consequence you will have to face. There are ways to overcome an addiction to drug or alcohol or smoking if you are tired of living the way you are. Kratom Detox
ReplyDelete