Black Friday

Yesterday, my company laid off a couple people, cut some positions to half-time, and lowered salaries for others.  I was fortunate, as I was not affected.  However, after my supervisor explained all the changes to take place, the last thing he shared, was I would have to move from my current desk location to another one.  I currently work in a space which has floor to ceiling glass sliding doors that look out to the Pacific ocean.  The new location, one which recently became vacant, is in a dark, no windows three-walled cubicle.  Reason for the move, I talk too much and my voice carries.  I've been told, by him prior, I talk too much, but I've always argued that I don't agree.  I'm social, I do talk, but I don't at the point of hurting my or other's' work.  People don't avoid me, or put earbuds in their ears when I approach, etc.  People like to talk to me.  In fact, three months prior I was given a promotion (unfortunately, no pay increase to support the added responsibilities).  When I said I didn't want to move, he said I had to, as he spoke to me about this before.  Which is true.  What was more hurtful this time, was he said a number of people (4 and our company only has 21 people, well now it will be less) spoke to him about my talking, saying I was disturbing them, and doors had to be shut because of my talking.  I asked for names, and he gave them to me.  I was surprised by this, as I never sensed anything from anyone of these people, nor did I ever noticed doors closing around me.

Given what happened to others, I felt petty feeling bad about my situation, but it did not take away the hurt, demoralizing feelings.  I've worked at this job for four years now, and talking in the offices is frown by a few people, specifically my boss.  He rarely comes out of his office, and he's known for his cynical attitude, so not many chat with him.  In fact, I've been credited for working with him, as well as I can, given his demeanor.  The first two years were very hard, but I thought I finally got to a place where I fit in.  Now I don't feel that way any longer.  I need to let these feelings go, and just accept the situation.  If I want it to be different, I need to look for another job.  Something I think I'll do.

For a brief moment, driving home yesterday, I wanted to drink to numb my feelings.  I was angered, masking my hurt, and drinking seemed the thing to do, but I got home and thought, "Don't make things worse."  Because even though for a brief moment, the pain would subside, all I would ultimately do is make matters worse.  I don't want to do that to myself.  So I didn't drink.  Something positive, something very positive to hold on to, given what I'm feeling for now.

A side note, my sister is on Day 6.  It's very hard, as we all know, and this is the longest she's been without alcohol and/or pot in ages.  For this I'm grateful.

So in the scheme of things, my life isn't awful or bad; but I'm still human, so I'll get hurt from time-to-time.  I know this is part of life.  Just wish I could let it go sooner, rather than later...

My Sister

My sister's long time partner (20 years +) called me Monday evening to tell me my sister is out of control.  (This man has never called me for anything, we aren't close.)  She's drinking to the point of damaging ALL.  I know my sister drinks too much, in fact, I've drank with her way too many times to count.  When I started this blog, I let my sister know so she could follow me, if she wanted.  She's been supportive ALL the way with my decision to quit.  This has made her think about her own issues with alcohol, but I now know, it's also pushed her to stop sharing with me her fears about her own drinking and many other problems she going through right now.  Getting this phone call from her significant other was scary, as he shared he's at his wits end, and wants to walk away from it all.  I can't, and won't, blame him for feeling this way, but it hurts to think my sister will be left alone in this state.  I asked him if he was okay with me letting my sister know he called me to discuss this problem.  He said, "that's why I called you."

I did call my sister, but she didn't answer.  I texted her and she said she was busy and would call me soon, she hasn't as of this writing.  For the moment, all I know is, I'm here to support her however I can~BUT, I cannot make her stop drinking.  This I know for a fact.

So, I've sent her numerous texts, telling her I love her, she's not alone and "you can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending." C.S. Lewis.

I need to stay strong for the both of us right now.  I need to be the BIG sister and show her the way by my actions and examples.  She deserves that and more.

Hurricane Irma

Sunday morning and all I've been listening to, reading and watching is the major storm taking place in Florida (actually been paying attention since Saturday night).  Between the Houston flooding, Mexico earthquake and this hurricane I feel like "Mother Earth" is saying enough with you insensitive human beings!

But I also feel like this is a sign for me as well.  The past year and a half, I've been trying to stop drinking for good.  My inner turmoil with drinking felt like all three of these episodes happening right now.  The degree of angst was extremely high.  While I'm not 100% sober, meaning I had a lapse last month after a good start, I'm back on track.  I don't want to have raging emotions concerning drinking to be part of my life anymore.  I don't want to self-destruct.  I want peace.

Please keep all the people in the world, who have or are dealing with these catastrophic events, in your prayers.  I cannot image what they are going through, but I know they will need as much help and support they can get.  My heartfelt prayers to them all.

Yeah for September!

I'm back on track, feeling pretty good this time about NOT drinking.  Instead of feeling sorry for myself, that I cannot drink, I'm feeling positive that I won't drink.  I know drinking isn't ALL fun, especially when one doesn't know how to drink moderately like myself.  It's a good thing to not "want" to drink, only took me 25 years to figure out!

I wish I was a better writer, more engaging, etc., but I'm not, so head over to Mummy was a Secret Drinker's blog and read her latest post:

5 Reasons Why September is a Great Month to Quit Drinking

And may I add a 6th reason, you'll love yourself more for it!

Thank you Mummy!!

No Secrets

My week's vacation in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico was a great time! Even though the weather was very hot and humid, the city was a beautiful place to visit.  The ocean and jungle were just magnificent.   On my actual birthday, 8/17, I went on a boat ride to a jungled area, to see a show and have a romantic dinner afterwards.  I enjoyed myself tremendously!  It went by so fast, too fast.

But I'm back to reality and I have to be honest, I did drink on vacation.  Of the seven days I was there, I drank five days.  Mostly I drank plain Margarita's or Strawberry Daiquiris, in fact, I drank about 3 to 4 per day.  These drinks were not the kind to knock you on your socks, they were more soft drinks, I didn't get drunk on the days I drank them.  However, I did decide to buy a bottle of wine one evening, while my husband bought the local beer.  Why?  Because I had opened the doors by drinking the other drinks, I felt the urge to have a "proper" drink.  One which would flood my bloodstream and make me feel "alcohol."  Yes, I wanted to get buzzed, not drunk, just....but we know how that goes.  I count a bottle of wine as four glasses, and I had thought I would drink 2 or 3 as I watched the sunset on our balcony.  Well, after the third glass, my mind switched to "just finish" the bottle, what the hell! And of course, after that, I was all for just one more, but there was no more to be found.  So what did I do, I had a beer.  Thank the stars, or whatever, but at that point, our bathroom sink backed up!  Long story as to how that came about, but the point was, we had to deal with the hotel staff to attend to the situation, and it was near midnight.  Of course I couldn't keep drinking, but had the problem not occurred I would have finished what beer my husband hadn't.  The same old pattern, thinking I can control my drinking, but I can't.  Needless to say, the next day, I had a hangover.  Thank goodness this happened only one day on the vacation, but granted one day too many.

When I got back home, I told myself not to feel shame, to chalk it up to lessons learned.  Someone I email with regarding my sober journey, told me to appreciate what I had accomplished, the long stretch I went without drinking.  And there's truth there, but I am disappointed in my laspe.  I don't want to go back to what I was, drinking every day, too much, and being miserable more times then I care to remember.  And I believe I won't.

I'm back on track.  This time I feel stronger in my resolve to not drink.  The Margaritas and Daiquiris were nothing more than sugary filled drinks, and really, I could drink those "virgin" and enjoy them. I know now, I can drink alcohol, but I don't want to.  I didn't miss out having fun by being sober.  Not a bit.

Here's to the next long stretch!  May it be for the rest of my life!!

Scared and Confused

I had no plans for a vacation this summer, especially when I decided on June 5th to start this blog.  I planned on keeping a low key summer, to get some momentum on this sober journey.  So far, I've managed to avoid most bars (wrote about one time I went with my husband and how hard it was), family gatherings where alcohol is part of the norm, and happy hours (although I did meet with a past co-worker as we had plans from mid-May and I told her I wasn't drinking and she was non-judgemental about it).  Instead, I've done more reading, gone to bed early, hit the gym, gone on hikes, eaten more breakfasts out (used to be I went out to eat dinner) and focused on staying strong.  But a chance opportunity came about to partake of a free hotel suite in Puerta Vallarta, Mexico.

A co-worker has a time share he couldn't use, so he offered it to me as a birthday gift.  My birthday is August 17th, and the time share is available August 12th through August 19th.  When I told my husband about it, he did not hesitate and said we had to go, so we are leaving this Saturday for the trip.  Until today, I've not focused on how I would handle the drinking situation.  I've been using the mentality, not going to think about drinking tomorrow, only today, and this has gotten me through some rough days.  I'm scared.  I've always enjoyed drinking on vacation and now I can't.  But the truth is I can and I may want to and that's what is scaring me the most.

To add confusion to the mix, my 28 year old daughter wrote this to me today.  I sent an email to her dated on June 2nd, right before I decided to quit drinking.  I don't know why it was left in my outbox without being sent (although my daughter asked if I meant to send this to her again), but when I read it, I decided to send it to her just because I was surprised, sad, alarmed that I was writing about drinking, I don't know exactly why, but I did.


RE: TGIF June 2nd

 

Wed 8/9/2017 10:32 AM

Deleted Items

To

You replied on 8/9/2017 10:55 AM.

Action Items

You need to learn how to control your drinking because you not drinking is just making you beat yourself up almost just as bad as when you drink and wake up feeling guilty. I don’t even think you have a problem. I’m going to support you no matter what.  I just don’t like the fact that you keep labeling yourself an alcoholic. Every time you think or tell yourself that you give it more power over you. You’re a strong lady if you want to drink do it. If you don’t want to go over the limit when you drink…don’t go over the limit.  You know 100% what you are doing when you drink. You could  stop you just don’t want to. It’s not that you don’t have any control I think that’s bullshit and a pussy way out. I know damn well when I’m drinking what I’m doing. If you want something you can have it, you just have to want it bad enough. Set a limit and stop. It doesn’t have some magical power over you Mom. You just let it and it’s an excuse. Set a limit and actually want to stick to it. It’s like that with everything. That’s how I am with exercising and trying to eat right. You can do whatever you want as long as you want it bad enough. I love you and I just want you to be happy and feel normal not like your missing out on things ( which you aren’t) but it makes me sad that you almost feel left out.

From:
Sent: Wednesday, August 09, 2017 10:12 AM
To:
Subject: RE: TGIF June 2nd

Not really, it was stuck in my out basket, but what’s weird, is it’s the last weekend before I stopped drinking.

See how I wrote I would only have beers and no wine, made me sad in a way.

From:
Sent: Wednesday, August 09, 2017 10:06 AM
To:
Subject: RE: TGIF June 2nd

Weird did you mean to send this to me again?

From:
Sent: Wednesday, August 09, 2017 9:51 AM
To:
Subject: RE: TGIF June 2nd

Yeah, just a couple of beers, no wine.  I thought about what you said, wine just bring out the worse in me.

Are you coming home after work for sure?

I love my daughter more than anything in the world.  She's a smart woman, educated, and knows alcohol is bad when drank in excess.  She knows I've struggled with alcohol, so it hurt me to read what she wrote.  Only because I'm making her feel bad for me, as I'm complaining more about not drinking and how it hard it is, rather than focusing on the positive.  What kind of example have I set for her.

I asked my daughter if she would be okay for me to share this and she said yes.  She did say, as long as you don't care people "talking sh!t" on me.  But then she said, it doesn't matter as long as I feel this is something that will help me.

I'm hoping it will.

Quickie!

60 Days No Alcohol!!