I Gave In...Heavy Heart Today

No sugar coating it, I got drunk last night.

I didn't want to write this today.
But I knew I should, because I don't want to play games in my head about it.
I couldn't fight the self-talk.
There's a story, but I'm not ready to share details.

I don't want to drink today.

I'm tremendously disappointed in myself.

And I'm sad I let those who have cheered me on, down.

85

I've made it!  85 days not drinking.  This is the longest I've gone without drinking since my late 20's!  It's taken hard work, but it can be done and it's worth it.  I'm no where near "cured" and what I mean by that is, I still have desires and longings for drinking.  I wish this wasn't the case, but it's the truth.  I'm not sad, angry or mad about giving up drinking (well, for today), because it wasn't doing me any good.  I'm better off, no doubt.  I haven't had a hangover, blackout, slip up, nor meanie me taking over my body since I've stopped.  And there are many other benefits as well, better health, better sleep, saving money, just to name a few...however, one "not so good" thing has come from stopping drinking.  I EAT TOO MUCH.  I've gained 4 pounds.  At this rate, I'll be rolling down the streets if I don't watch it!

Oh well, I'll deal with my eating issues later, there's just so much one can do, right?

But I've made it pass 85 days, and that's something to be proud of!!!

Where's the motivation?

Sixty days in, back at the beginning of March, I wrote about this month being "motivational".  I wanted to do different things, incorporate new ideas, try stuff out of my normal routine, etc.  Well, I haven't managed much of anything it seems.  I keep my home up (not like typical) with the minimal amount of effort; I eat out too often because I don't want to cook; I go to work; I mostly read or play Candy Crush on the computer; and I try "not" to be a bit@h to my husband.  I feel in limbo.

I know it's not the end of the world, but I'm disppointed in myself.  I shouldn't be, but I am.

Feelings change, so maybe "motivational" March was really meant to be "mundane".  Which is okay.  Tomorrow is another day.  And who knows, April can be so many things.

The good thing, I'm still sober.

80

A rainy day. 
I like it. 

A good day.
I feel great.

A non drinking day.
I am lucky.

How is your day?

Spring

The first day of Spring.  Southern California is sunny more times than not, especially by this time of the year, but wouldn't you know it, we are to have our biggest rain storm, of the year, in the next day or so.  We need the rain, so it's really a blessing, but the darker days haven't been good for my mood.  This year just isn't going the way I envisioned.

I started the year off with a great attitude about giving up drinking once and for all!  The first 40 days or so it was pretty easy, but as time has gone by I've lost the enthusiasm.  Why?  It doesn't really matter the why, it's just the case.  I knew it was going to get tough at times, but I thought I'd have a better attitude about it all.  Good old attitude.

Today, I told myself to just let it all go.  Let the new "seeds" of gratitude, contentment and joy set in to grow.  I'm lucky in so many ways.  I have my health, food and shelter; I have people who care and love me; I have enough money to take care of my family; I have a decent paying job; I have more than enough in my life to be thankful for, so just be appreciative.

As many have shared, I'm worth it to be happy, if I just let the agony of drinking go.

Today is the first day of Spring, a new day to start fresh.

I feel like I'm going to give in any minute...

Day 75

I'm just so fed up with trying "not" to drink!  I know I should not drink, for all of the million, bilzillion reasons I've and many other have written about!  But I want to have a few glasses or cups or bottles of some kind of alcohol.  I want to feel the slow burn down my throat, the finger like wisps creep up my blood stream and my brain turn slowly mellow.  The first two drinks will do this, I know, but then, then it's all bets off, because if two drinks are good, well three, four, five will be even better.  I will only get drunk, act mean, eat too much, black out and wake up tomorrow regretting the whole thing.  And yet, I'm constantly fighting myself about all this!

How will I ever know what the other side of 100 days could be like, if I give up now?  Stay strong they say, but right now I feel like the biggest loser.  Every second is agony in my mind, fighting the urges.  I've read blogs, I've called up my support people, I'm blogging right now, and I'm still want to drink.  Given all the tools and help, it's ultimately ME who has to say NO!  I never knew fighting myself about something so very important could be so, so very hard. But it is hard.

I also know PAWS is at play here, many have gone through this, but why can't I seem to go with the flow of it all!  I'm just so angry at myself!!

It's 6:12pm, and I'm going to scream, then cry, then pray I can make it through the night. 

Tomorrow morning can't get here fast enough.

Weary

Spring is almost here and I can't wait.  10+ days, I've been so out of it; really weary, drained, tired...

I keep holding on for the second upswing to come.  When I first started dry January, my spirits were high.  I felt great.  I knew I was doing a wonderful thing for myself.  I still am, but at this time, I'm so out of it!  I'm not depressed, I just seem to have no energy.  I'm getting enough sleep, I'm eating well, but more sugar than usual, but alcohol has a lot of sugar, so I don't think it's that.  I'm exercising during my lunch hour, and trying to do a bit at home in the mornings, so I don't get it.

So much for motivational March. 

But I'm still not drinking!  So it's all good.

Happy Pi Day!