30

Been here before, don't want to do this again next January!

Home Stretch!

Dry January is almost done and over with!  As I've shared, I'm in a good place this time with not drinking.  Sure, I've had moments of "what if" and I've missed going to some of the places where drinking is a big part of the scene, but I know I'm not missing anything magical about drinking.  There is a teeny, weenie part of me which stills wishes I could moderate, but I've tried and it hasn't worked out that I can.  With that being said, I look front and center to the next month.

I need different mini goals to get to my first 100 days.  Given I don't want to think of February as dry February, I am going to look at it as FREEDOM February. 

Let's see what kinds of freedoms come my way next month!  I will say, I hope I let a few "free" pounds go, as that's something I would have no trouble letting go of for good!

Happy Monday everyone!!

25

Here holding strong, but I will say, the "what if" is creeping into my mind.  I have to remember, I'm doing this sober journey for a better life.  I do have a good life, in fact, I'm fortunate in many ways, but drinking didn't help my life one bit.  Drinking the way I did, way too much, too many times, didn't get me anything wonderful or fantastic at all. 

Crying Is Okay

When I would be hurt by someone or some situation, my go to defense was anger, especially when I was drinking. I would have given a big argument why we shouldn't do this or that, or whatever, because I was afraid, but not anymore. There's a whole other blog worth of reasons why, but that's not important at the moment.  Now when I'm hurt, I say what I think is the cause, etc.  And sometimes, I cry when I try to explain what I'm feeling when hurt.   I'm realizing it's okay to express vulnerability.  I'm not a loser for doing so...and after yesterday's post, my husband came upon me crying.  He asked what was the problem, so I told him why I didn't want to move, yet.  And he understood.  He agreed it was an impulsive jump on his part and he knows, eventually, the right time to move will come.

So all is well in our household.  Okay, with a little annoyance on my part because of all the footballs games going on right now.  :-)

Happy Sunday everyone!

20

Day 20; 4:11 p.m., Saturday afternoon.

I so what to scream.  Not because I want to drink.  Although, I'm trying not to let my guard down, as I know I could easily cave in at the moment given my dilemma.

My husband wants to sell our home.  He wants to downsize.  Our three children are grown and gone.  He turned 62 years old this month.  I'm 55.  He wants to start a new life, and he wants to retire in two years time.  I have 10 years of work left to go, is how I figure given medical being an important aspect to retirement.  Anyway, we've talked about all kinds of different retirement scenarios and have agreed we want a smaller living space, and no yards to deal with, but I'm not there yet.  Well, today, we stopped at an open house, something we've done many times to get a gauge on what we'd both like in a new place, and found a 2 bedroom condominium that was very nice.  In fact, almost perfect in size and condition.  So my husband told the realtor, "I want to put an offer in" and I balked.  While I really thought the place was great and a good price, I'm not really ready to move from my home of 22 years, yet.  The poor realtor was caught in the middle between me and my husband, because it was an obvious conflict that happened on the spot.  The realtor told us to think about it.  Call her tomorrow, to let her know if we do want to put an offer in to the sellers.

My husband is ready, wants to do so, no hesitations, no second thoughts, just do it now! 

I'm not feeling the same way.  I told him to let me think about it over night. In the morning I'll see if I feel differently, but I know I won't.  I'm not strong enough to deal with selling our home to buy the new place.  Although, really, we could buy the new place without having to sell our home immediately, but finances aside, I'm not ready to let go of the amount of space I have in my home.  Nor am I ready to leave behind all the memories I built up here.  As I'm writing this, I could cry, I am crying.  I don't do things on a split second decision, never have.  I need time to let go of my home.

It took me three years of trying to let go of alcohol.  I need some time to let go of my home.

Weekends

Coming up on my third weekend alcohol free.  It's been easier this time around, mainly because my mind set is different, but there are still some triggers.  I have tools in place to deal with them, but I will confess, sometimes "I still wish" I could moderate.  But I can't, and that's okay.  It's not the end of the world.  In fact, it's the beginning to something wonderful.

Happy Friday!

15

Day 15 - I've been posting the number of days I've not drank, once the day is done and over with, but today I needed an extra boost.  My weekend was a little trying, given my husband having a hard time of trying to support me this time.  Anyway, enough of that, 15 is a good number.  And besides, today is Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday, a great man to remember and look up to.

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." - Martin Luther King Jr.

The Battle

My husband is a great guy.  He's put up with my antics, quirks, over assertiveness, etc., for a long time.  For so many years, he put up with some heavy duty dramas in my alcohol issues/problems.  While there have been plenty of times he was frustrated beyond words, he never gave up on me.  So it's difficult, now I am not drinking (although I've been here a few times in the past 3 years) for him to understand I mean it this time.  He knows it's the right thing for me to do, but he's afraid.  He's worried I'll change, which is true.  What he really means, is I'll change to where I don't want to be with him anymore.  There is some validity in that thought, but I love him enough to believe that won't be the case.  I'm hoping in my example, he'll join me in the sober life, but I'm not expecting him to.  For now, I can't go to bars and/or social events, watching others drink while I twiddle my thumbs.  So I've told him to go alone, with his friends and don't worry about me for now.  What is hard about this, is we've always done everything TOGETHER.  He's one of those husbands who wants me to be with me all the time, do everything together, all the time.  I've never minded this at all. My family and friends all know he part of the package deal when it comes to inviting me to places (of course, I've done the all girl things without him, bachelorette parties, baby showers, etc., but if he could come he would).  My husband is an only child, born in upstate New York, and he has no family here in California, except our three children and his mom.  He does have a few friends outside of work, but he always wants me to be with him when he hangs out with them.  

This being the football playoffs before super bowl, it's all about watching the game and drinking beer.  I can't sit around and be part of this, because I know I'll waiver.  Especially since my husband thinks I can handle a few beers with no problem.  He thinks I've come a long way in turning around my behavior with drinking.  Yes, to a degree I've drank less irresponsibly in the last couple of years, but I still over-do it at times.  My husband thinks "it's okay" as it only happened a handful of times, but who is he kidding?  I've asked him to please understand, and to not be afraid about what I'm doing.  He said, "I just don't want you to be sad and down."  And it hit me, while I feel confident and strong about not drinking this time, I've not shown him that side of me.  Somehow, I need to figure how to balance this all out.

And wouldn't you know it, the financial blog I read, The Simple Dollar, had this post by Trent Hamm, which hit home for me again in regards to what I'm dealing with on this sober path:

Avoid dependence and vices.

When you rely on a substance to help you manage the challenges of day to day life, you’re giving up a lot of your personal freedom for momentary peace of mind. The resources – time, money, energy, health – you give to that vice make your problem worse, and all you get in return is a few fleeting moments of an altered state. It’s an exchange that simply isn’t worth it.

One of the single most powerful steps you can take toward escaping the poverty trap is to simply eliminate your dependence on any vices – alcohol, cigarettes, opioids, marijuana, other drugs, anything. If you consume something that isn’t necessary to continue your life and do so as a matter of habit, it is taking you away from where you want to be in life because of the resources it consumes. Not only that, vices typically alter your mental state, causing you to make poor decisions while under the influence of that vice.

It can be very hard to break away from an addiction, but one thing you can do that helps is to start building new relationships in your life and, at the same time, start de-emphasizing relationships with people who share that vice. When you spend time with people who have a particular vice, you’re often drawn to share in it; when you spend time with people who do not have that vice, you’re less incentivized to continue, not just because of the social aspect, but because of the patterns you observe.

If you find yourself indulging in vices when alone, seek help. Talk to a medical professional and do whatever it takes to break your personal connection to that vice.

The part where Trent writes, "start de-emphasizing relationships with people who share the vice." hit me hard between the eyes.  If my husband had read this, he for sure would be freakin' out.  No wonder my husband is so fearful.

I have to hold on to faith everything will work out for the best.  I have to.

This Time

Happy Friday Everyone!

I first tried to stop drinking in April of 2015 after a particularly bad night of drinking, where there was drama.  I was so ashamed of my behavior, I started a sub-journal on my drinking problem.  I vowed to quit right then and there.  Didn't happen.

Then I tried to stop drinking again, January of 2016, I made it to super bowl Sunday.  At that time, I was in such despair, because while I knew I needed to stop drinking, I didn't want to.  I fought everyday in January of 2016 to NOT drink.  It was exhausting.  When January was over, I felt like I had accomplished the biggest goal ever (how sad to write this).  So when super bowl Sunday rolled around, I just couldn't hold on any longer.  I gave in.  Needless to say, I had the worse hangover ever the following day.

I didn't jump right back into my daily drinking, I managed to keep my drinking to 10 days or less during the next few months, but then summer came, and....

So I've been trying to stop drinking for almost three years now and this time, I think I'm finally at the turning point of never going backwards again.

This time, I'm not fighting myself.  This time, I'm not in despair about giving up alcohol.  This time, I really want the freedom of not drinking ever.

This time, I'm going to do it!

10

Ten days down.  The days are adding up fast!

Last night I woke at 1:30 a.m., and all I kept thinking was "why"?  Why do I want to drink?  At first, I kept telling myself because it brings pleasure, which is true to a degree, the first two glasses, yes.  Of course, the problem begins when it becomes 3, 4, 5 glasses, etc.  But why do I keep swaying to "why"?  I know my brain chemistry is all messed up from drinking heavy for years, and I have to have faith, with time, my brain will adjust.  And from all I've read and heard, this is a truth.  But I'm stuck on the "why".

The "why" matters, I know.  But, I won't worry about "why".  I only need to focus on the "how" for now.  With more sober time, I think I'll get closer to the "why" and maybe this will open even more enlightenment for me, maybe.  If it doesn't, well, that's not the end of the world, is it?

Here's to day 11!

Relapse

I've been thinking on how I make sure, this time, not to relapse.  So I've been searching and reading blogs in particular to the relapse issue and I found on "taking a new path" blog, from January 2014, the following:

“What do we say to the God of wine?” Not today.”

‘Relapse is not uncommon in early recovery because individuals are learning what changes they must make to live a sober life. The relapse can be a learning experience in how to develop better coping skills and get through difficult experiences without the use of alcohol or drugs.’

And this resonated with me, because the lapse after my birthday has been of a different vein.  I have learned how to better cope with "not" drinking.  I know it's possible to have fun, relax, and cope without drinking at all, but there is still the draw of the initial feeling of a glass of wine.  And I find I want that when I am feeling happy and content.  Further reading on this subject, says this is not unusual at all.  While I am very motivated and determined not to drink, I know this draw will happen eventually.   

I realized, for myself, when I was drinking during my thirties and up to my mid-forties, I didn't think (or rather, I didn't feel) I had a problem with alcohol.  Sure I drank a lot.  I drank on weekends with friends, on vacation and holidays, at special occasions, etc.  And yes, there were plenty of times I drank way too much, did stupid things and had hangovers, etc.  But I didn't feel bad about any of it.  It was about 46 or so, when I changed drinking to a daily habit, and I changed my choice of alcohol to wine.  Like so many, it became a crutch.  Then it became a burden.  And then it became something I could not control (really, I hadn't controlled it prior, but as I wrote, I wasn't concerned).  

As I am in a good frame of mind these days, and all the fun and games have subsided from the holidays, I feel secure in holding strong; I know I need to be better prepared for the sneaking, "just a couple glasses of wine" talk in my head.  It will come, BUT it doesn't mean I have to give up.

Not this time!

Rainy Days

I love rainy days!  Not so much when I have to drive into work by 7 a.m.  Southern California so needs the rain, and as I'm in a very good place with my mind set these days, I choose to enjoy the wet, cold rain driving in this morning.  It wasn't so bad. 

Now if only my umbrella wouldn't have malfunctioned getting out of the car, the morning would have been almost perfect! 

Happy Tuesday everyone!

7

Day 7 completed as planned!  On day 8 now and feeling very well.  As I wrote on Day 1, my short term goal is to see the numbers grow, and they are!

I'm in a complete different frame of mind this time around, as I'm not feeling as I lost anything by not drinking.  I pray this frame of mind last a very long time, but if it doesn't, I have wonderful advice from many great bloggers which I will take!

Happy Monday!

Worth Dying For

Sunday morning is almost gone.  I woke up and read in bed until 10:30 a.m.  I love to read.  I could read all day and night, it's my escape.  I made it through my first Friday and Saturday night without drinking.  Last year, after my birthday in August, I would drink both nights at times, or sometimes only Friday, or sometimes only Saturday, but I was drinking on weekends.  So it's been a long while where I've not drank through a weekend and it wasn't too hard, as I'm still in my "strong phase".  I'm still feeling positive.  I still believe I am losing nothing at all by not drinking, which I know is a fact.  But I also know the mind plays tricks, and there will be challenges down the road.  For now, I'm okay.

I'm going to spend a few hours on errands/chores, then I'm going to read.  I'm reading the series of books by Lee Child, the Jack Reacher novels.  I'm finishing the "Worth Dying For" book.  Talk about a hunk of a man!  Plus, alcohol isn't worth dying for, but staying sober, at all cost, is...

p.s. I know Tom Cruise has played the character of Jack Reacher in movies, but I haven't seen any of them.  I prefer to keep Jack looking like the kind of man my mind has conjured up!

5

The fifth day has arrived, and it’s Friday!  The weekend evenings are the hardest to get through in the early days of giving up alcohol.  We all know this.  I’m in a good place, so I know I will get through tonight for sure.  So I thought for today’s reflections I would write the top five reasons why I shouldn’t drink.

1. Health reasons; too much alcohol is a poison, wreaks havoc on the body
2. Hangovers; as I’ve gotten older, I just can’t recoup from the damage of too much alcohol
3. Relationships; I’m not a good drunk, I get bitchy and mean to those I love and care about, I don’t want to hurt anyone, anymore because of drinking
4. Self-Esteem; I’ve beaten myself up for far too many years because of my problem with drinking, if I don’t drink, this will go away
5. Finances; I’m a frugal person by nature, except in the area of buying alcohol and/or going out to consume alcohol; I know I’ll see more money in my hands by not drinking at all

So my top five reasons to not drink EVER again.  There are many more reasons not to drink, no doubt about it, but for now, listing the top five will do!

Happy Friday everyone!

Little by Little

I read the blog, The Simple Dollar, regularly.  It was originally started by Trent Hamm on his journey to becoming financially fit.  He became very successful with a following and eventually sold his site to a larger group to maintain.  He still writes for the blog.  I continue to enjoy his post, even though the site itself isn’t as personable, but I digress.  Trent writes primarily on matters of money, but he’s grown to incorporate a number of other facets of life into his blog which ultimately tie into his philosophy on frugality. Today, he wrote something at the end of his blog which made sense, to me, in terms of what I’m feeling about “my process” to get sober:

The key thing to always remember with a process like this is that it takes time. People always want immediate results that appear like magic. Improving yourself takes time, and then it takes even more time for the effects of that improvement to propagate out into your life. The key thing with this is to remember that you are getting better, little by little. If you strive to be a little better than the day before, you’re always heading in the right direction, and given enough time, that change will ripple out into the world.

This really is a simple yet brilliant system for genuine self-improvement. It can help you change your character as a whole or help you bring about true lasting improvement in specific areas of your life. The key is to trust the process – keep doing this over a long period of time and you’ll find yourself in a better place.

Another sign I'm going in the right direction.  J

3

I like the number 3, it's one of my favorites!

Hang in there everyone who is starting January as their beginning to freedom from alcohol!

Go over and check out Mummy was a Secret Drinkers blog, she posted links to two different interviews she did yesterday!  She really has a way with words to describe how the "wine witch" is possible to beat.  I'm so thrilled for her!!

New Beginnings

It's a quiet day. 

I'm in a good mind space.

I'm ready to be really free.

I don't always know what to write about my drinking.  I don't like focusing on how bad it could get at times.  So as I'm not going to drink, I can focus on other things.  For now, I just want to get some momentum going with sober days.  I want to see the number grow from 1 to 5 to 10, etc.  That will be my goal for awhile.