“What do we say to the God of wine?” Not today.”
‘Relapse is
not uncommon in early recovery because individuals are learning what changes
they must make to live a sober life. The relapse can be a learning experience
in how to develop better coping skills and get through difficult experiences
without the use of alcohol or drugs.’
And this resonated with me, because the lapse after my birthday has been of a different vein. I have learned how to better cope with "not" drinking. I know it's possible to have fun, relax, and cope without drinking at all, but there is still the draw of the initial feeling of a glass of wine. And I find I want that when I am feeling happy and content. Further reading on this subject, says this is not unusual at all. While I am very motivated and determined not to drink, I know this draw will happen eventually.
I realized, for myself, when I was drinking during my thirties and up to my mid-forties, I didn't think (or rather, I didn't feel) I had a problem with alcohol. Sure I drank a lot. I drank on weekends with friends, on vacation and holidays, at special occasions, etc. And yes, there were plenty of times I drank way too much, did stupid things and had hangovers, etc. But I didn't feel bad about any of it. It was about 46 or so, when I changed drinking to a daily habit, and I changed my choice of alcohol to wine. Like so many, it became a crutch. Then it became a burden. And then it became something I could not control (really, I hadn't controlled it prior, but as I wrote, I wasn't concerned).
As I am in a good frame of mind these days, and all the fun and games have subsided from the holidays, I feel secure in holding strong; I know I need to be better prepared for the sneaking, "just a couple glasses of wine" talk in my head. It will come, BUT it doesn't mean I have to give up.
Not this time!
I hear you! Must be something about these late forties. I was 46 when it really hit me that my drinking wasn't health nor normal.
ReplyDeleteAs we get older, hopefully we get wiser. I would have liked to have started this journey sooner, but I'm not going to beat myself up for not doing so, as all that matters is I'm on the right path now!
DeleteMy drinking was very similar to yours. I quit at 42 in 2013.
ReplyDeleteThe first time I ever thought I had a problem was 2098, when my kids were small and I was so depressed, but I made changes and things were generally ok again until around the time I turned 39. Those last few years any self medicating had stopped. Booze made me paranoid and compulsive, but I had no idea what to do about it.
I actually never even considered long term sobriety until I was sober for a while.
It seems crazy now, but people can hold very tight to something that’s crushing them.