20

Day 20; 4:11 p.m., Saturday afternoon.

I so what to scream.  Not because I want to drink.  Although, I'm trying not to let my guard down, as I know I could easily cave in at the moment given my dilemma.

My husband wants to sell our home.  He wants to downsize.  Our three children are grown and gone.  He turned 62 years old this month.  I'm 55.  He wants to start a new life, and he wants to retire in two years time.  I have 10 years of work left to go, is how I figure given medical being an important aspect to retirement.  Anyway, we've talked about all kinds of different retirement scenarios and have agreed we want a smaller living space, and no yards to deal with, but I'm not there yet.  Well, today, we stopped at an open house, something we've done many times to get a gauge on what we'd both like in a new place, and found a 2 bedroom condominium that was very nice.  In fact, almost perfect in size and condition.  So my husband told the realtor, "I want to put an offer in" and I balked.  While I really thought the place was great and a good price, I'm not really ready to move from my home of 22 years, yet.  The poor realtor was caught in the middle between me and my husband, because it was an obvious conflict that happened on the spot.  The realtor told us to think about it.  Call her tomorrow, to let her know if we do want to put an offer in to the sellers.

My husband is ready, wants to do so, no hesitations, no second thoughts, just do it now! 

I'm not feeling the same way.  I told him to let me think about it over night. In the morning I'll see if I feel differently, but I know I won't.  I'm not strong enough to deal with selling our home to buy the new place.  Although, really, we could buy the new place without having to sell our home immediately, but finances aside, I'm not ready to let go of the amount of space I have in my home.  Nor am I ready to leave behind all the memories I built up here.  As I'm writing this, I could cry, I am crying.  I don't do things on a split second decision, never have.  I need time to let go of my home.

It took me three years of trying to let go of alcohol.  I need some time to let go of my home.