The Battle

My husband is a great guy.  He's put up with my antics, quirks, over assertiveness, etc., for a long time.  For so many years, he put up with some heavy duty dramas in my alcohol issues/problems.  While there have been plenty of times he was frustrated beyond words, he never gave up on me.  So it's difficult, now I am not drinking (although I've been here a few times in the past 3 years) for him to understand I mean it this time.  He knows it's the right thing for me to do, but he's afraid.  He's worried I'll change, which is true.  What he really means, is I'll change to where I don't want to be with him anymore.  There is some validity in that thought, but I love him enough to believe that won't be the case.  I'm hoping in my example, he'll join me in the sober life, but I'm not expecting him to.  For now, I can't go to bars and/or social events, watching others drink while I twiddle my thumbs.  So I've told him to go alone, with his friends and don't worry about me for now.  What is hard about this, is we've always done everything TOGETHER.  He's one of those husbands who wants me to be with me all the time, do everything together, all the time.  I've never minded this at all. My family and friends all know he part of the package deal when it comes to inviting me to places (of course, I've done the all girl things without him, bachelorette parties, baby showers, etc., but if he could come he would).  My husband is an only child, born in upstate New York, and he has no family here in California, except our three children and his mom.  He does have a few friends outside of work, but he always wants me to be with him when he hangs out with them.  

This being the football playoffs before super bowl, it's all about watching the game and drinking beer.  I can't sit around and be part of this, because I know I'll waiver.  Especially since my husband thinks I can handle a few beers with no problem.  He thinks I've come a long way in turning around my behavior with drinking.  Yes, to a degree I've drank less irresponsibly in the last couple of years, but I still over-do it at times.  My husband thinks "it's okay" as it only happened a handful of times, but who is he kidding?  I've asked him to please understand, and to not be afraid about what I'm doing.  He said, "I just don't want you to be sad and down."  And it hit me, while I feel confident and strong about not drinking this time, I've not shown him that side of me.  Somehow, I need to figure how to balance this all out.

And wouldn't you know it, the financial blog I read, The Simple Dollar, had this post by Trent Hamm, which hit home for me again in regards to what I'm dealing with on this sober path:

Avoid dependence and vices.

When you rely on a substance to help you manage the challenges of day to day life, you’re giving up a lot of your personal freedom for momentary peace of mind. The resources – time, money, energy, health – you give to that vice make your problem worse, and all you get in return is a few fleeting moments of an altered state. It’s an exchange that simply isn’t worth it.

One of the single most powerful steps you can take toward escaping the poverty trap is to simply eliminate your dependence on any vices – alcohol, cigarettes, opioids, marijuana, other drugs, anything. If you consume something that isn’t necessary to continue your life and do so as a matter of habit, it is taking you away from where you want to be in life because of the resources it consumes. Not only that, vices typically alter your mental state, causing you to make poor decisions while under the influence of that vice.

It can be very hard to break away from an addiction, but one thing you can do that helps is to start building new relationships in your life and, at the same time, start de-emphasizing relationships with people who share that vice. When you spend time with people who have a particular vice, you’re often drawn to share in it; when you spend time with people who do not have that vice, you’re less incentivized to continue, not just because of the social aspect, but because of the patterns you observe.

If you find yourself indulging in vices when alone, seek help. Talk to a medical professional and do whatever it takes to break your personal connection to that vice.

The part where Trent writes, "start de-emphasizing relationships with people who share the vice." hit me hard between the eyes.  If my husband had read this, he for sure would be freakin' out.  No wonder my husband is so fearful.

I have to hold on to faith everything will work out for the best.  I have to.