Yesterday, my company laid off a couple people, cut some positions to half-time, and lowered salaries for others. I was fortunate, as I was not affected. However, after my supervisor explained all the changes to take place, the last thing he shared, was I would have to move from my current desk location to another one. I currently work in a space which has floor to ceiling glass sliding doors that look out to the Pacific ocean. The new location, one which recently became vacant, is in a dark, no windows three-walled cubicle. Reason for the move, I talk too much and my voice carries. I've been told, by him prior, I talk too much, but I've always argued that I don't agree. I'm social, I do talk, but I don't at the point of hurting my or other's' work. People don't avoid me, or put earbuds in their ears when I approach, etc. People like to talk to me. In fact, three months prior I was given a promotion (unfortunately, no pay increase to support the added responsibilities). When I said I didn't want to move, he said I had to, as he spoke to me about this before. Which is true. What was more hurtful this time, was he said a number of people (4 and our company only has 21 people, well now it will be less) spoke to him about my talking, saying I was disturbing them, and doors had to be shut because of my talking. I asked for names, and he gave them to me. I was surprised by this, as I never sensed anything from anyone of these people, nor did I ever noticed doors closing around me.
Given what happened to others, I felt petty feeling bad about my situation, but it did not take away the hurt, demoralizing feelings. I've worked at this job for four years now, and talking in the offices is frown by a few people, specifically my boss. He rarely comes out of his office, and he's known for his cynical attitude, so not many chat with him. In fact, I've been credited for working with him, as well as I can, given his demeanor. The first two years were very hard, but I thought I finally got to a place where I fit in. Now I don't feel that way any longer. I need to let these feelings go, and just accept the situation. If I want it to be different, I need to look for another job. Something I think I'll do.
For a brief moment, driving home yesterday, I wanted to drink to numb my feelings. I was angered, masking my hurt, and drinking seemed the thing to do, but I got home and thought, "Don't make things worse." Because even though for a brief moment, the pain would subside, all I would ultimately do is make matters worse. I don't want to do that to myself. So I didn't drink. Something positive, something very positive to hold on to, given what I'm feeling for now.
A side note, my sister is on Day 6. It's very hard, as we all know, and this is the longest she's been without alcohol and/or pot in ages. For this I'm grateful.
So in the scheme of things, my life isn't awful or bad; but I'm still human, so I'll get hurt from time-to-time. I know this is part of life. Just wish I could let it go sooner, rather than later...
