Forty-six days in this year so far, and I've been sober for all of them; however, I did have one glass of wine last Saturday night, so I can't say I've been alcohol free the entire time. So be it, a bump in the road. Progress is being made, day by day.
Off to a long weekend in Texas to visit my step-daughter and her husband.
Thursday, February 15, 2018
Monday, February 12, 2018
Finding Your Own Path
I didn't drink much as a teenager. Nor did I drink much during my 20s. However, I did smoke pot in my 20s until one day I just became paranoid and stopped. I did cocaine recreationally for three years, after the pot (after my daughter was born, how sad is that), but stopped because once again I became paranoid on that! This was all by the time I was 31 years old. I did try a few times smoking pot, in the last two decades, but it wasn't the "high/relief/feelings" I was looking for which thankfully stopped me in bothering to try again. But what I did come to love was drinking alcohol.
While I did partake in the first two substances I mentioned above, I never felt shame or guild for doing so. I knew they were illegal substances, but they didn't interfere with my life like alcohol. I only smoked pot in the evenings, to wind down. I didn't smoke all day. I didn't get hangovers from it. The only bad side effect I got was eating too much at times. The cocaine was only consumed on weekends and not a hair raising amount, but towards the end of this period in my life, alcohol became part of the ritual of coming down off a few lines of coke (sorry, this sound so very awful about me, but I want to be honest here). After first it was just a couple beers, then it turned into four beers, and well....All this was my lifestyle with my first husband.
We were very young when we met and married. That period of my life is a whole story in itself. We ended up separating when I was 31 years old. I had my young daughter, three at the time and I knew I had to get my head straight. Thankfully I wasn't doing any drugs and not drinking too much then. But as the months passed by, her father not part of the picture, trying to make new job work, not letting my mother/family know I was afraid and lonely, I turned to drinking on Friday nights by myself. I remember buying a six pack on Friday night, knowing it would last me all weekend! And it did for a while, but by the end of that first year, it was 4 or 5 beers on Friday and Saturday night. I came across a journal entry, just before I met my current husband, where I wrote about drinking too much, being an alcoholic, etc. This was December of 1994. Then I met my husband now, January 1995.
He was raising two young children on his own, a boy and girl younger than my daughter. Our relationship was fast and furious, we moved in together after six months, married a year later. My drinking no longer seemed an issue. I was in love, I had a whole new family, three children to raise and best of all, our children were picked up by their other parent every other weekend (having both one's parents is best, but isn't always possible). Our friends were 8 to 10 years younger than ourselves, and were real party people! We were always going to BBQs, birthday parties, kid events, etc. And drinking was a big part of the life! And yes, I drank too much, and too many times, but I didn't worry about it, nor did I feel guilty, etc. It was my lifestyle, but as the kids grew up, and time went by (years) I knew I needed to stop drinking. It became self-destructive, shameful, isolating and embarrassing, so I drank at home, behind close doors, not letting others know I had a big problem.
Fast-forward to now, while I've always journaled, and have written about my drinking, the not-so-good, the bad, and the ugly, it wasn't until April 2015 where I started my true effort to beat this demon. And I've made great progress. I wish I'd had quit alcohol 100% since I started, but it's not the case. What is the case, is I have drank less, and less and have gone weeks without drinking since then.
And here I am. Starting 2018 on a great path, however, I did trip up last Saturday. A few days leading up to then, I was fighting, hard, the urges, the whispers of the wine witch, squeezing my brain, saying don't do it, don't do it!! And I did it.
I drank one glass of red wine. I have to be truthful, I liked the taste, I enjoyed the warmth which spread over me, my eyes glittered and I stopped and thought, "Is this worth it?" And it wasn't. I knew it wasn't worth the joy and freedom I've been experiencing. I knew it was just a test. I knew I had the strength and resolve to keep on, and so I told myself it wasn't the end of the world.
I called my daughter and told her about it. She said mom, think of it as a medicinal tonic, one you needed to drink to feel better to go on with my sober journey. My daughter always sees the positive, even when things aren't so, but it helped me to feel better.
And you know what, it isn't the end of the world.
While I did partake in the first two substances I mentioned above, I never felt shame or guild for doing so. I knew they were illegal substances, but they didn't interfere with my life like alcohol. I only smoked pot in the evenings, to wind down. I didn't smoke all day. I didn't get hangovers from it. The only bad side effect I got was eating too much at times. The cocaine was only consumed on weekends and not a hair raising amount, but towards the end of this period in my life, alcohol became part of the ritual of coming down off a few lines of coke (sorry, this sound so very awful about me, but I want to be honest here). After first it was just a couple beers, then it turned into four beers, and well....All this was my lifestyle with my first husband.
We were very young when we met and married. That period of my life is a whole story in itself. We ended up separating when I was 31 years old. I had my young daughter, three at the time and I knew I had to get my head straight. Thankfully I wasn't doing any drugs and not drinking too much then. But as the months passed by, her father not part of the picture, trying to make new job work, not letting my mother/family know I was afraid and lonely, I turned to drinking on Friday nights by myself. I remember buying a six pack on Friday night, knowing it would last me all weekend! And it did for a while, but by the end of that first year, it was 4 or 5 beers on Friday and Saturday night. I came across a journal entry, just before I met my current husband, where I wrote about drinking too much, being an alcoholic, etc. This was December of 1994. Then I met my husband now, January 1995.
He was raising two young children on his own, a boy and girl younger than my daughter. Our relationship was fast and furious, we moved in together after six months, married a year later. My drinking no longer seemed an issue. I was in love, I had a whole new family, three children to raise and best of all, our children were picked up by their other parent every other weekend (having both one's parents is best, but isn't always possible). Our friends were 8 to 10 years younger than ourselves, and were real party people! We were always going to BBQs, birthday parties, kid events, etc. And drinking was a big part of the life! And yes, I drank too much, and too many times, but I didn't worry about it, nor did I feel guilty, etc. It was my lifestyle, but as the kids grew up, and time went by (years) I knew I needed to stop drinking. It became self-destructive, shameful, isolating and embarrassing, so I drank at home, behind close doors, not letting others know I had a big problem.
Fast-forward to now, while I've always journaled, and have written about my drinking, the not-so-good, the bad, and the ugly, it wasn't until April 2015 where I started my true effort to beat this demon. And I've made great progress. I wish I'd had quit alcohol 100% since I started, but it's not the case. What is the case, is I have drank less, and less and have gone weeks without drinking since then.
And here I am. Starting 2018 on a great path, however, I did trip up last Saturday. A few days leading up to then, I was fighting, hard, the urges, the whispers of the wine witch, squeezing my brain, saying don't do it, don't do it!! And I did it.
I drank one glass of red wine. I have to be truthful, I liked the taste, I enjoyed the warmth which spread over me, my eyes glittered and I stopped and thought, "Is this worth it?" And it wasn't. I knew it wasn't worth the joy and freedom I've been experiencing. I knew it was just a test. I knew I had the strength and resolve to keep on, and so I told myself it wasn't the end of the world.
I called my daughter and told her about it. She said mom, think of it as a medicinal tonic, one you needed to drink to feel better to go on with my sober journey. My daughter always sees the positive, even when things aren't so, but it helped me to feel better.
And you know what, it isn't the end of the world.
Saturday, February 10, 2018
Hard At Times
I went to bed at 8pm last night and got up at 8am, 12 hours of sleep. I've never slept this long before, prior to being sober, on a regular bases, but I've seem to done so many times since I started this sober journey again. It's par for the course, from other blogs I have read, so I'm not going to worry about it!
Today is a new day. Today, or least for right now, I feel strong. I have to clean out our garage, something I promised my husband I would do. So, after this post, off to that chore. Anyway, I thought I ask for some advice or good ideas on the subject of travel.
My daughter has moved to Germany, just across the border from Holland. I'm to go visit in June. I have never been to Europe. I would like to visit Prague, my husband wants to visit Italy. See the issue here? We are going to be there for about 15 days, and given two days will be to fly in and out of Germany, we really only have 13 days to visit. The town my daughter lives in, Gutersloh, two hours away from the airport I'm flying into, is small. A couple days to visit her new in-laws and friends is enough time there. So the plan is to visit other places.
I am open to any and all suggestions on where to visit, what to see, and doing so on a budget. My son-in-law can drive us places, but I've read round trip tickets and/or train fares are not too expensive, so I'm open to traveling those ways as well.
I'd love to hear about off-the-beaten path places actually. I know saying one has been to Paris, London or Rome is chic and all that, but I want to see other things people don't bother to check out.
I don't have many followers here, but I know if you comment about the travel, I know it will be good information.
Now, I'll worry about drinking on this trip way further down the line. But maybe by then I won't have to.
Okay, now on to the garage chore....
Today is a new day. Today, or least for right now, I feel strong. I have to clean out our garage, something I promised my husband I would do. So, after this post, off to that chore. Anyway, I thought I ask for some advice or good ideas on the subject of travel.
My daughter has moved to Germany, just across the border from Holland. I'm to go visit in June. I have never been to Europe. I would like to visit Prague, my husband wants to visit Italy. See the issue here? We are going to be there for about 15 days, and given two days will be to fly in and out of Germany, we really only have 13 days to visit. The town my daughter lives in, Gutersloh, two hours away from the airport I'm flying into, is small. A couple days to visit her new in-laws and friends is enough time there. So the plan is to visit other places.
I am open to any and all suggestions on where to visit, what to see, and doing so on a budget. My son-in-law can drive us places, but I've read round trip tickets and/or train fares are not too expensive, so I'm open to traveling those ways as well.
I'd love to hear about off-the-beaten path places actually. I know saying one has been to Paris, London or Rome is chic and all that, but I want to see other things people don't bother to check out.
I don't have many followers here, but I know if you comment about the travel, I know it will be good information.
Now, I'll worry about drinking on this trip way further down the line. But maybe by then I won't have to.
Okay, now on to the garage chore....
Friday, February 9, 2018
40
Friday evening, early, not evening 6:30 p.m., and I'm ready to go lay down, read a little and call it a night. I don't have strong urges to drink tonight, but on my drive home I thought a lot about drinking. I tell myself, it's a work in process, once I get there (there is where I don't think about drinking at all) it will be worth it, but it's hard.
I know from all those who have shared, it's worth it.
Knowing, believing, trusting, having faith...don't give up...day 40 down.
Good night.
I know from all those who have shared, it's worth it.
Knowing, believing, trusting, having faith...don't give up...day 40 down.
Good night.
Thursday, February 8, 2018
Build That Sober Muscle!
SamKD left the comment, "Build that sober muscle" in her reply to my last post. Well, last night, I really worked hard on that muscle, as I SO WANTED TO DRINK! I got home to a quiet house. My husband works evenings now (supposedly a temporary assignment, but it's been a few months now) and with my last daughter moving out last November, it's just me in the evenings. I've managed the evenings just fine since I've began my sober road again, well, Friday nights are still a bit of a wobble, but manageable, but for some reason last night was BAD! My self-talk (okay the wine witch) kept saying "just drink a couple glasses", no biggie. I was leaning so far over-the-edge, I wanted to scream. It took more than a couple hours to fight the urges, but I did. With that being said, I'm hoping my sober muscle grew a little more in bulk, because I'm sure going to need it, again and again and again.
One day, the sober muscle will be so strong, it will be a piece of cake to not drink. For now, I just have to keep working it out.
Thanks Sam for posting that comment, it kept me strong for another day!
One day, the sober muscle will be so strong, it will be a piece of cake to not drink. For now, I just have to keep working it out.
Thanks Sam for posting that comment, it kept me strong for another day!
Sunday, February 4, 2018
35
Today is super bowl and we are getting ready to host a small party. All the snacks are ready to go, the food will be cooked shortly and the beverages are starting to be drank. I'm having a Master Brew Kombucha, ginger flavored right now, but I'm eyeing those who are drinking beer and wine. I so want to have either, it's just calling me....but I know, I know, I can't. One will lead to two, which is when the wicked witch will wake up and bite me!
I did buy a six pack of Beck's Blue, so in a while I'll open one of those, but I won't pretend, it won't be the same.
Today is day 35, and I want to get to day 36. I will!
Remember what Wendy wrote about freedom, don't give up, LET FREEDOM RING!
I did buy a six pack of Beck's Blue, so in a while I'll open one of those, but I won't pretend, it won't be the same.
Today is day 35, and I want to get to day 36. I will!
Remember what Wendy wrote about freedom, don't give up, LET FREEDOM RING!
Thursday, February 1, 2018
Beginnings and Endings
A new month, which I've named "Freedom February". I figured it was more inspiring than doing another dry month, so let freedom ring! So far, strong and steady has been the course. Super Bowl Sunday is this weekend, and I don't want to trip up like I did in 2016. I'm 100% sure I won't.
On another note, I'm sadden by the loss of "Giving Up Drugs and Alcohol's" blog. Michelle was one of the first people to reach out and cheer me on when I started this blog. I'm hoping she's super strong, positively busy and extremely happy with her sobriety, that she no longer needs to post. She's on to a new chapter in her life. In fact, I don't need to hope, I believe she's crossed the finish line and she doing just great! Take care Michelle; I wish you well.
On another note, I'm sadden by the loss of "Giving Up Drugs and Alcohol's" blog. Michelle was one of the first people to reach out and cheer me on when I started this blog. I'm hoping she's super strong, positively busy and extremely happy with her sobriety, that she no longer needs to post. She's on to a new chapter in her life. In fact, I don't need to hope, I believe she's crossed the finish line and she doing just great! Take care Michelle; I wish you well.
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