26 Days

Last year I went 37 days straight, when I drank on Super Bowl Sunday, February 7, 2016.  This time around, I'm stronger and I can do this!  I wrote this in my journal January 2016:

Discipline is absolutely vital when it comes to making changes in your life.  Discipline simply means that you stick with a positive routine even when there are temptations to do something else. You stick with it even when the rewards seem small today, because you know the rewards will be big tomorrow.  Discipline means you stick with it even when it is the last thing in the world you want to do.

I wrote this in my journal February 8, 2016:

"I fell down and drank yesterday.  Way too much!  Three glasses of wine, two beers and three shots of whiskey!  I blacked out.  Why?  I thought I could control it.  I know I can't.  I'm not going to beat myself up.  I will do it this time.  I WILL.  Moderation is truly impossible for ME.  Lesson learned."

I'm not going backwards this time.  I'm NOT.

Weekends

Three weekends down, 21 full days alcohol free.  It's summer here and 4th of July is around the corner.  A time to drink for so many.  I'm sort of sad, as there are many BBQs, picnics and firework shows where everyone will be having some sort of adult beverage of the alcohol kind.  I have to remember why I'm not drinking, it was doing me no good.

Here's to my fourth weekend!  May it be a good one.

Why?

In my previous post, I wrote about smoking marijuana.  In a couple comments, I was asked why I wanted to "zone out"?  I used that phrase when I referred to the state of mind I was in after smoking the pot.  The question was a valid one.  So why did I do it?  I'm suppose to be sober.

Definition of Sober (from the Merriam Webster dictionary)

1. a: sparing in the use of food and drink
    b: not addicted to intoxicating drink
    c: not drunk
2. marked by sedate or gravely or earnestly thoughtful character of demeanor
3. unhurried, calm
4. marked by temperance, moderation, or seriousness
5. subdued in tone or color
6. showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice

As such, the main reason I smoked the pot was for the simple pleasure of it.  I was hoping to substitute the feelings I've felt when drinking the first two glasses of wine, beer and/or spirits.  That sweet spot, where everything is so calming and warm.  But it was no substitute at all.  The marijuana did alter my state of mind, and it did help, in the moment, to get over the obsessive self-talk to have a drink, but it did not mimic the feelings of a couple glasses of alcohol. Had it, I probably would have smoked all weekend.

The honest truth, I wish I could alter my state of mind, drink moderately to enjoy the first few drinks and stop.  Some people can do this, but I cannot.  Too much alcohol is a poison, I know this.  In addition to being a poison when used in excess (I do/did) it causes behavioral problems on so many levels (I know this first hand).  Given all of this, it is not remotely worth the negative consequences.

But back to the pot.  It once was my thing, it's not anymore.  And it's not the same as alcohol.  To those who enjoy their weed, well, it seems to be less harmful than alcohol and I'm no one to judge on this front.

So back to basics, one day at a time.

Fraud

Today is the summer solstice, the longest day of the year.  A good day to post a confession.  No, I have not taken a drink since I started this blog.  Still holding steady, however, this past weekend I did smoke marijuana both Saturday and Sunday.

There, I admitted it. 

I haven’t smoked pot, regularly, since during my early-to-mid-twenties.  My first husband and I would smoke pot as our preferred way of a head change.  We didn’t drink much, a couple drinks when going out, but we loved pot!  Every day after work, we’d light up, make dinner and enjoy some television.  Weekends, we indulge through the day, if we had no commitments with family or events.  This went on for about five years, until one day I became paranoid after smoking a joint.  I don’t know why.  Could have been the particular batch of marijuana had something in it, I was stressing during this time (abusive marriage) and/or my brain was just over it.  Whatever it was, my relationship with pot stopped cold turkey.  No looking back, no temptation, just ended.

When I met my second husband a couple years after my first marriage ended, he did ask if I would smoke some marijuana with him.  I told him I couldn’t because of the paranoid feelings, but he got me to try it (new relationship, trying to please the other person) and sure enough, I freaked out.  After just one hit, I stayed in the same spot for about an hour until the stuff wore off.  I told him, “never again”.

So fast forward to now.  My closes family members know I’m writing this blog.  They are all supportive.  So when this past Saturday came around and I was moaning about not drinking, my daughter’s girlfriend offered me some pot.  I told her I get paranoid smoking, but she assured me the pot she had was “designed” to pep one up.  What?  The marijuana I smoked in my 20s, made me high, slowed me down, and made me hungry, but she assured me this pot was different.  Well, given my addictive nature, it wasn’t too hard for her to get me to try it.  Plus, I so wanted to stop thinking about drinking.  So I took two big hits of the stuff from a little pipe.  And I did get a head change.  I didn’t get too perky, but I didn’t get dopey either.  I sort of settled on a mellow feeling.  I sat down to watch a movie and I zoned for an hour or so.  And that was it.  On Sunday, mid-afternoon, I did the same.  One thing I can say, it helped the obsessive thoughts on drinking stop.  But what’s interesting is I didn’t want more.  In fact, I don’t have the urge to smoke again.

However, when I shared my pot smoking episode with my sister, she made a valid comment which stuck me solid in the face.  “All you did was change one mode of head change for another.”  

And she’s right.

I don’t plan to smoke marijuana again, it really doesn’t give me the same kind of feeling that drinking did.  The main point is to be clean and sober.  While I don’t feel like I am on Day 3, I do know I needed to write this down, so I don’t play games with myself.

Day 15

I did it!  Another weekend without drinking!  It's still not easy, but I'm holding strong.

Yesterday was Father's Day, here in the states, and I went to a baseball game.  I'm not a sports person, I went primarily for my husband and to people watch.  It was very hot, and the Angels (the baseball team) were not doing well, so I was a bit bored.  Everyone around me was drinking, I couldn't help fixating on the cold cups of beer and frosty mixed drinks, and they even came to you to order and drop off your drinks!  But I held steady to my cup of ice water.  We left the game early, as the Angels were not winning, and went to Hooters (a restaurant/bar chain) for some chicken wings and beer. Again, I stuck with the ice water.   I told my husband, only because it was Father's Day did I allow myself to be around drinking, but next weekend, it's going to be ALL ABOUT ME!

Newbies!

Today, after work, I felt the same old calling,  A glass of cold beer would be sooo good.  I haven't drank in 10 days, so a beer wouldn't hurt, right?  When I came into the house, I was so sad because here I was again, fighting with myself.  If it were one, even two beers then it would be okay, but who am I kidding?  Myself.  So I went to the computer to check my blog (Thank you Wendy and Michelle for cheering me on!) and read a few other blogs, when I came across Break the Mundane's blog.  She's a few days behind me on this roller coaster of a sober ride.  While I've written short entries, she has shared miles of honest, funny, and real emotions.  I'm right there with her.  I know exactly what she is feeling.

As seems to be the case, when it seems hardest to make it another day, some inspiration finds it way to me.

So I thank you, Mrs. Breaker!  I thank you very much.  Good luck to us (and ALL) on this ride to freedom!!!  

Double Digits

Ten days with no drinking.  I have a quote I found, no name was attached to it, which I read everyday:

"Actually, I just work up one day and decided I didn't want to feel like that anymore, or ever again. So I changed."

This is how I wish I would feel about not drinking.  One day I will.

Rain

I made it through Saturday night!  As many have shared, countless times, weekends are the hardest when first giving up the booze.  It was hard.  Not grueling hard, but difficult to say the least.  I managed to cook a homemade meal, and bake brownies with no wine in my hand while doing so.  My husband, who can drink moderately, felt bad for me, but knows it is necessary for me to stop drinking.  Maybe with time, he won't drink at home, but for now this is my course to steer alone.

This morning I woke early (mornings are the best right now) to the sound of light rain.  I live in Southern California, and we have been in drought mode for years.  But this past six months, we had more rain than anyone can remember and it's done wonders for the terrain!  I took this as a sign. One, it rarely rains in June here.  Two, rain always washes away the grime and leaves everything fresh and shiny.

Maybe this is what is happening to me.  I hope so.

The Power of One

I've been drinking for 20+ years, heavy for most of that time, sad to say.  I have always journaled since my early twenties, and sprinkled through has been stories of my drinking too much here and there.  It wasn't until 2010, that the sprinkles became constant entries into my writing.  Of course it would be the case, my drinking had gotten to the point of stupidity on so many occasions, it just wasn't funny anymore.  In 2012, February 29th, Leap Year, I lost my job after 19 years with the company.  My drinking increased exponentially!  At that time, I went to a few AA meetings, but couldn't get into the spirit of those meetings.  I just didn't feel comfortable, probably because I really wasn't ready to give up alcohol.  I also told my close family and friends of my probably, and they were all supportive, but I still kept the secret from many others.  I still am ashamed about my drinking problem, but I am slowly changing this perspective.   April of 2015, I started a sub-journal, only about my alcohol intake.  I thought if I tracked how much I drank per day, I would shock myself into sobriety.  Didn't work.

Then in November of 2015 I found Mummy was a Secret Drinker blog site.  It was a life-line.  I reached out to her a few times via email and she was so dynamic, supportive and sincere.  Because of her, I bought the Vale book, tried some of her tips, etc. and gave it a go on January 1, 2016 to get sober.  It lasted 40 days until I took that one drink and by June of 2016, I was back to drinking almost every day.

It's taken a year to give this sober ride another shot!  A whole year.  In that time, I have read so many wonderful blogs, have emailed a few of you wonderful, strong women out there in the soberverse, signed up for Belle's 100 Day Challenge, downloaded Wine Bitches materials, etc.  But it wasn't until I recently came across Giving Up Drugs and Alcohol's blog, that I really decided to do this again. You can never know why, the "one thing" kicks in and helps to make a start, a new beginning, but it does.

So I started a blog six days ago.  Just quick entries.  Trying a new tool.  And Giving has commented on most of those baby entries!  Giving has been the "one" to make me cry in gratitude, to make me keep going the "one" more day!  Thank you for giving me "Giving".

Lastly, thank you ALL, everyone of you, for being the "one" to so many others!  What's great about this, is, One turns into Two, turns into Three, turns into....you get it!

I'm well, and I feel ALIVE!

Friday Afternoon

I've just come back from lunch, after a nice walk in the sunshine.  I feel good.  So why do I have to feel like a nice glass of wine or mug of beer would be great just now???  I can get through this feeling, can't I?  I need to hold strong to my belief that I will be sober from now on.

Dinner & H2O

Tonight, my step-daughter and her husband came over for a visit.  They recently married last March, and moved to Texas.  They came out to California for a wedding event this weekend, and made plans to have dinner with us.  A week ago, I would have had wine with dinner and not really eaten, so I could drink.  This would possibly lead to drinking more when I got home.  But I held strong and drank water with dinner.  It wasn't too hard to do because I'm still on this positive course.  Blogging is helping.  Four days without drinking is something I haven't done in a long while.  Here's to H2O!

Wednesday - Hump Day

It's Wednesday afternoon, and I'm about ready to leave work (I know, posting while working, but I consider this my well needed break.) at 4pm.  It's been a couple years now, that I have a work out buddy for Wednesday nights.  He's in his mid-thirties, and keeps me informed with the latest technologies.  My husband, who is 61, thinks he's the best.  Oh, and he's gay, so no worries there!
Anyway, Wednesday are days I rarely, if ever, think about having a drink.  It proves to me changing habits can be done.  Now, I have to figure out what to do with the other six days of the week so I don't drink.  I know it can be accomplished.  Reading all those marvelous blogs from people who are no longer drinking and loving it, proves it.

That's what I want too.

Walking The Cravings Away

The tempting time has passed, almost 8pm here in Southern California and I'll be in bed in another hour.  I go to bed early, as I start work at 7am.  Instead of coming home and opening a beer, or having a glass of wine and/or a shot of vodka (as you can see, I'm not selective), I walked to my gym, went into the sauna, and walked back home.  This took about two hours to complete.  It stopped me from drinking today, a good thing.  A very good thing.

Catch a Buzz

At 5:35 p.m. my husband came home from work and said, don't start dinner yet, I need to get a buzz!  Damn, this is the hard part.  He doesn't have the same problem I have, he can have 2 or 3 beers and stop.  I won't drink tonight, as last night I over did it and don't feel like drinking at all, for now.

New Beginnings

Today I stayed home from work, because I decided to drink last night and watch movies until late.  I knew when I decided to miss work, I would over drink.  Six beers and two shots of vodka, I cannot keep doing this to myself.  So, I'm going to blog about my efforts to quit alcohol for good, once and for all, this time for sure, NO MORE!