Fraud

Today is the summer solstice, the longest day of the year.  A good day to post a confession.  No, I have not taken a drink since I started this blog.  Still holding steady, however, this past weekend I did smoke marijuana both Saturday and Sunday.

There, I admitted it. 

I haven’t smoked pot, regularly, since during my early-to-mid-twenties.  My first husband and I would smoke pot as our preferred way of a head change.  We didn’t drink much, a couple drinks when going out, but we loved pot!  Every day after work, we’d light up, make dinner and enjoy some television.  Weekends, we indulge through the day, if we had no commitments with family or events.  This went on for about five years, until one day I became paranoid after smoking a joint.  I don’t know why.  Could have been the particular batch of marijuana had something in it, I was stressing during this time (abusive marriage) and/or my brain was just over it.  Whatever it was, my relationship with pot stopped cold turkey.  No looking back, no temptation, just ended.

When I met my second husband a couple years after my first marriage ended, he did ask if I would smoke some marijuana with him.  I told him I couldn’t because of the paranoid feelings, but he got me to try it (new relationship, trying to please the other person) and sure enough, I freaked out.  After just one hit, I stayed in the same spot for about an hour until the stuff wore off.  I told him, “never again”.

So fast forward to now.  My closes family members know I’m writing this blog.  They are all supportive.  So when this past Saturday came around and I was moaning about not drinking, my daughter’s girlfriend offered me some pot.  I told her I get paranoid smoking, but she assured me the pot she had was “designed” to pep one up.  What?  The marijuana I smoked in my 20s, made me high, slowed me down, and made me hungry, but she assured me this pot was different.  Well, given my addictive nature, it wasn’t too hard for her to get me to try it.  Plus, I so wanted to stop thinking about drinking.  So I took two big hits of the stuff from a little pipe.  And I did get a head change.  I didn’t get too perky, but I didn’t get dopey either.  I sort of settled on a mellow feeling.  I sat down to watch a movie and I zoned for an hour or so.  And that was it.  On Sunday, mid-afternoon, I did the same.  One thing I can say, it helped the obsessive thoughts on drinking stop.  But what’s interesting is I didn’t want more.  In fact, I don’t have the urge to smoke again.

However, when I shared my pot smoking episode with my sister, she made a valid comment which stuck me solid in the face.  “All you did was change one mode of head change for another.”  

And she’s right.

I don’t plan to smoke marijuana again, it really doesn’t give me the same kind of feeling that drinking did.  The main point is to be clean and sober.  While I don’t feel like I am on Day 3, I do know I needed to write this down, so I don’t play games with myself.