Day 38 - Merry Christmas

May your Christmas be merry and bright!

And sober!!

32 Days - Office Christmas Party

Today was my company's Christmas party.  It has become a low keyed affair, given the last few years the company hasn't done very well.  I've been there almost seven years.  The first three Christmas parties were alcohol infused events; at one of them, I drank too much to where I needed a ride home.  Times have changed.  I drank Perrier and watermelon juice.  Lots of it!  I did not miss having a Margarita at all!  There were only 15 people, and half drank, but not much.  We had some games to play, did a white elephant gift exchange, ate, and had a nice time together.  When I left, I felt good.  In the past, I would have started drinking at noon, and kept up through the night.  Here it is 6:30 p.m., ready to relax, read maybe, then hit the sack by 8:30.

It's still early days yet, and I know there will be times where I will struggle.  For now, today, I did not.

:-)

Day 28 - 28 Days

Four weeks down, and I'm feeling just okay.  I am in limbo.  Why?

Because of the amount of cheer around me which is alcohol related!  All holiday parties I have been invited too, Christmas lunches, work festive events, and Sunday football gatherings all have alcohol as the central part of the event. I've managed to navigate around this season by not attending as many events as I could have, staying for short periods of time, and pretending I don't miss drinking!

But I do.

I've tried all sorts of things to take my mind off wanting to drink.  Getting up early, taking long walks, reading, meeting up with the few people I know who do not drink, etc.  Even window shopping, which I don't really like to do!

One thing which I'm doing, which I'm enjoying, but I feel a bit guilt about, is watching excessive amounts of movies, You Tube videos and Netflix.  I have prided myself on being one of those who rarely watched anything.  I thought it made me more productive to do other things, instead of sitting in front of a T.V. screen; but I realized a lot of the others things I did do, all involved drinking.  Not always to a bad degree by any means, but drinking none-the-less.

And I miss some of those times.

I decided this weekend to watch, read, and/or listen to nothing but sober (or getting sober) related things.  And I came across the movie 28 Days, with Sandra Bullock.  I like Sandra Bullock movies. I had seen this movie before, but did not recall all the details.  As I watched, I kept thinking, I was never that bad, never...however, there were glimpses of myself in her character.  While I've never been to rehab, some of the truths she came to realized hit home with me. At the end of the movie, she holds strong to stay the course, not giving in to the trap she was finally getting out of.

Of course it's only a movie, but so many truths of beating the addiction were there.  I know to get to the other side, it takes work, effort, and a belief things will get better.  A few fellow bloggers have repeatedly told me it's true; I believe them, I do.

However, I need to accept those times for what they were, some good, some bad, but all done with.

Today I am another day closer to getting to the other side of limbo.  I am not in despair.  I am well.  I want to keep going, to see the days build up. I want to embrace this journey as an adventure with excitement, like I did four weeks ago.

I will soon!  I believe. I believe. I do.

Day 25 - Great Thoughts

I don't express myself as much on my blog as others do on theirs, and that's okay.  Sometimes, less can be more, so I leave you with a few quotes which sum up how I'm feeling now.

"Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong." - Mandy Hale

"True self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to build a life you don't need to regulary escape from." - Brianna West

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time." - Edith Wharton

Day 20 - Not As Easy As I Had Hoped It Would Be

Saturday night, just after 6pm, after a long, eventful day and I want to have a drink.  Really, a few drinks.  I won't have them, but I want them.  I do not physically crave them, it's more the thought of the flow of the alcohol hitting my blood stream and changing my mindset, relaxing me.  I miss that feeling.  I do.

What is so hard is thinking these thoughts.  I try not to; I try to keep busy; I allow myself sweets; I leave and do things, and it all helps, but those thoughts are still there.  I know from all I read of those who have broken this cycle, it is time which will make these thoughts become less and less, until they are no more.

I have made it 30, 35, 60 and almost a 100 day stretches at a time with no drinking.  Shit, I can honestly say I've had more non-drinking days, than drinking days in the last two years; and I have felt better for it, no doubt.  But when I started this blog, the point was to drink No More.

I don't want to give up now, not this time. I want to beat my record at least!

I can hold on for one more day. 

I know, tomorrow morning, I will be okay.

Day 17 - Rain

It's raining very hard here in Southern California.  I love it!  If only I could be at home for the next 50 days, in weather like this, reading, crafting, eating good hot soups/stews, and resting away, maybe I'd wake up free of any desires to drink alcohol.  Like a caterpillar, waking to a butterfly.

Wouldn't that be lovely?

Day 15 - A Little Wobbly

Made it through the Thanksgiving holidays with NO drinking!!  Only one day, last Friday, did I get down because I wanted to drink.  I told myself it was no big deal, the itch/urge would pass and it did.

I keep re-reading back over my blog, to all those entries where I said how awful I felt, how I needed to get sober for good, how alcohol was no good for me and the reasons why and YET I still miss drinking.  I simply don't want to not miss it anymore.

I know (okay, for now, I'm hoping) that day will come, if I hold-on to not giving into drinking now.

One thing I know for sure, tomorrow is another new day.  Tomorrow I may miss drinking just a little less than today.  Tomorrow I may get my groove back. 

Day 11 - Thanksgiving

It's early here, just before 8am and it is raining hard.  I've been up for awhile listing to it raining, feeling the beauty of it, as it cleanses the earth.  How I wish I had an internal washing away of the thoughts to drink.  Someday, they will no longer call; for now, I have to hold on to the belief that it will stop.  And it will.

Today is Thanksgiving in the US; time to be with family and friends, to be grateful and giving to all.  In a way, it's sad, because the focus of this day should be on everyday, not just today, but that's another issue altogether.  I am grateful and thankful for all I have in my life, the good, bad and ugly.  So for all those in the US who maybe reading this, have a wonderful Thanksgiving day!

For those outside the US, those reading and sharing my story/journey, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!  Your support is more than appreciated; it's what true Thanksgiving means.

Now I am off to get ready for the day.  I hope I don't get a turkey/mash potato/pumpkin pie hangover tomorrow!!

Day 9 - Self-Talk

I made it through the weekend!

Trying again, I realized I needed to change my frame of mind.  I needed to stop thinking about why I can't drink, and think about why I don't want to drink.  Of course I've known this all along, but this time it's sinking into my brain; it's working!!

I need to think/focus on the things I gain by not drinking.  Better sleep, clearer skin, no empty calories consumed, no hangovers, no blackouts, etc., but mainly, no shame and/or guilt. 

I want peace, more than I want to have that sweet spot of alcohol influence daze.  Understand, if I could have that dazed/buzzed/good feeling without harm to my body/brain/soul, I would continue drinking.  It doesn't work that way, as we all know.

This time around will be different.  Not easier, but with a new frame of thinking "IT IS WORTH IT"!

Day 5 - Breakfast of Champions

Start of the fifth day, knowing I won't drink today. I have no doubts. Today I will be free of alcohol.

With that being said, I decided as I was doing so well (for me) I would treat myself to a doughnut.  As I hadn't eaten breakfast yet, I also decided to eat 10 pieces of chicken nuggets from Burger King.  I ordered a coffee, black.  To top it off, I needed a packet of honey mustard sauce to dip the nuggets before munching away.  Oh, and I didn't stop with one doughnut, I always bought six doughnut holes, 3 glazed and 3 with sprinkles.  I do not feel guilty about this one bit.

There are far worse things I could put in my body, and we all know what I'm referring to.

I feel good!

Challenges

Today at work, there was a celebration for a co-worker who hit the 20 year mark!  We all went to lunch; cocktails where ordered along with lunch.  I didn't feel antsy or uncomfortable not ordering a drink, and decided on a mock-tail.  Cranberry juice with soda water and some other ingredient.  Slice of line added to the lip of the glass.  It was a very good drink, but not something I would pay for myself.  How this drink could be $7, I'll never know, but when the company picks up the tab, well...

The event was nice, beside the one drink, no one ordered another.  I knew no one would, because when we've gone out like this for lunch, one drink is the maximum anyone orders.  Right thing to do, really, as going back to work, who wants to be buzzed?  Well, not true, I'm sure a few would have liked to get buzz, but the stigma of drinking too much at lunch is now the norm. 

Anyway, on our way back to work, I was talking away, joking, and someone said, "what was in your drink?", and I smiled and said, "double shot of cranberry juice".  Everyone laughed; I thought, really, I'm seem a "little too happy"? 

Well, image what another mock-tail would have done!

Day 3 almost over, and I feeling very happy indeed!

Today Has Been A Good Day

I't late afternoon.  I am doing okay.

I have no cravings or thoughts of drinking; doubt I'll have any later through the rest of the day.

My mindset is in a good place.

I don't want to drink.

A very good thing.

Tomorrow...

is a new day; an exciting day; a day where I'm going to make a fantastic new beginning, a fresh start!

Goodbyes

My daughter left last night, back to Germany and her hubby.  I miss her already.  She's lived aboard for 2 years now, and I've gotten used to her being away.  When she first left, I cried and cried.  I felt the change in our relationship, by her marrying and moving so far away, would end our closeness.  It didn't.  We are as close as ever.  She plans to move back to the USA soon.  I can't wait for that day!

A few people have died unexpectedly this year, my step-father, my boss, and the son of a very good friend.  Even, just two days ago, a co-workers little dog (only had him a year) died.  While I don't mourn for the dog per-say, I do feel for my co-worker, as she is very upset and sad.  I'm getting at an age where people passing and me having to saying goodbye to them is reality.  We all die, but we don't think about it much, until we have quite a few years under our belts.  The hard part, is when people leave unexpectedly and/or at young age, which was the case with my three deaths this year.
I didn't get to say goodbye to any of them, and it makes me feel lost. I choose to believe they have gone on to where all of us do when we pass, into our loved ones minds and hearts.

And so, in a couple days, I'm saying GOODBYE to alcohol.  This goodbye has been long in coming, too long in fact.  This goodbye, is a needed goodbye. While I'm a little scared, I more so happy for it to finally be here!  Really I am.

So goodbyes this year have been plenty for me, in many ways.

The most important and best one is just a couple days away. 

I am ready.

Hello sobriety!  Here I come!!

Year Two - Until I'm Broken

I've been trying years to stop drinking.  I started blogging in 2016 and gained some momentum, but haven't been able to quit 100%.  I'm going to give it another shot, starting Monday, November 18th.  It is such a joke, waiting for another weekend to pass before trying again, but that is the way of an addictive mind.  I feel ready this time.  I know it will be a challenge, but it can be done.

I was feeling really good there for awhile.  I had reached my 30 day challenge with my sober buddy back in late April.  I continued for a couple more days with no drink, when I decided (unwisely) to drink for Memorial weekend.  The goal was to enjoy some drinks, here and there, and start another long stretch of no drinking come Monday, May 27th.

The ugly details, I drank a whole bottle of wine on an empty stomach that Friday night, within two and a half hours, before heading out to dinner.  All I remember of the evening, is sitting at the table looking down at another glass of wine.  The next morning, before the sun even came up, my husband asked if I remembered the evening.  Oh know, here we go..."no".  He asked, "how do you feel?"  I didn't have a hangover, but I felt sluggish and stiff.  He then said, go look at yourself in the mirror.  As soon as he said that, I felt my forehead and felt the bump.  I decided to go back to sleep.  I didn't want to confront myself by going to look at myself in the mirror.  At 10 am, I opened my eyes and decided to go face the mirror.  What I saw wasn't pretty.  I had blacked out at dinner.  My husband said I was drunk and slurring my words, but I ate and managed to get to the truck to go home.  Once in the garage, as I was getting out of the truck, I fell and smacked my head/face into the garage floor.  I had bruises and a cut nose.  It wasn't a pretty site.  I had never done something like this to myself before (well, not to this degree), AND I SWORE, no more drinking EVER.

Haven't managed that, started drinking a month later, but I've not had horrible episodes, blackouts, hangovers or early morning wake-up jitters from drinking too much.  I've drank less than more, have had good stretches in between, and I'm rarely drinking at home.

It's gotten easier, to forgo drinking, for the sake of drinking to zone out.  I know it's a slippery slope.  I know people who may read this will think "it's a joke" I even have the nerve to write this, but that's okay.  The only nagging bit, I told my girlfriend, whose son is dealing with liver cancer, I would take her message to heart, "just don't drink."  I haven't.  Her son passed 10 days ago.

A new sober buddy, Jim @ Life Beyond Booze, asked me to give it another shot, and would support me with some additional side help.  When he asked, I jumped right on the offer.  Why didn't I start right away?  Daughter was coming from Germany to visit for a couple weeks, and I knew I would drink.  So I decided when she left, I would start.

I'm feeling stronger about it this time. So here I go again.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!

Buddies Do Help!

I have two blog buddies I communicate with off our blog sites (and on to them too at times).

Habit and I started helping each other back in April.  Jim and I, only recently, although we did initially touch base two years ago.  Today I was sharing with Habit, and I decided a portion of what I wrote her, I would share here.  It's something I want to remember.

Who knows when, how, why, and if we will ever truly stop 100% drinking alcohol.  I know I want too, but I don't know why I haven't made it stick.  I refuse to accept I am weak, bad, stupid, or insane.  I am not perfect.   As long as I move towards being better and better, in any number of things I'm dealing with, then it's progress.  I am okay and good enough.  And I have to hold on to that knowledge.  Many can, will, do judge what I'm expressing here, and that's okay too.  I have to do me.

You do you!  

I'm on a dry streak, since Sunday, 9/8 so today makes it day 12, 11 days down.  I haven't had much urges.  I think it's because I am motivated by Jim.  No idea how long this will last, but so far, not much thinking on when I will drink next.  This isn't to say, I won't fall and that this time, I know I will never drink again!  Not sure if this is good or not good to think this way.  I've done so many times, where I've said, written, believed, "this is it."  For it not to be so.  What I know, right now, and for today, at least, is I won't drink alcohol.  As Scarlett O'Hara so famously said, "I can't think about that now.  If I do, I'll go crazy.  I'll think about that tomorrow."

Not bad advice from Scarlett.

One Thought

No one should be discouraged […] who can make constant progress, even though it be slow.” – Plato

Enough said.

Not Fair

Today a very dear friend of mine called.  I've known her for just over twenty years; met while working together at our previous company.  Eight years ago, she move from California to Kentucky.  She wanted to get away from the rat race, live on a farm and enjoy life at a slower pace.  We've stayed in touch because we share a special bond of friendship.  We were never meant to be friends.  If it hadn't been for working at the same place, we would never have gotten to known each other like we do.

She is quiet, shy, a bit introverted, and very Christian.  Her faith is very strong, and she follows her faith strongly.  I'm loud, boisterous, extroverted and not very religious at all.  Regardless of our differences, we came to understand and respect each's uniqueness's. We also share the same birthday.

As usual with our phone calls, she lets me do all the talking and sharing, listening attentively.  When I finally stopped talking, I asked how she was doing, and she shared what she had been doing for the past month or so.  Then she said she had something very importnat to say to me, she had a catch in her voice, "please stop drinking."  She knows I struggle with drinking, she knows I've tried to stop, and she's never judge me for all the stops and starts.  Then she went on to share her son has, recently, been diagnosed with a rare and agressive form of liver cancer (cholangiocarcinoma).  He's not a drinker, never has been.  The outlook isn't good; the doctors have recommended starting palliative chemotherapy soon, but even with chemo they expect he'll have 6-18 months at best.  Of course, the hope is he'll have a miraculous recovery, but the odds are he won't.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  He's only 37.  Then she went on to say how hard it is to see someone go through the agony of having liver cancer.  She loves me and doesn't want something like this to happen to me.  So please just stop drinking, so it won't.

Saturday was the last time I drank.  I decided I was going to give "not drinking" another go.  Just before my friend called, I had thought, "I haven't drank for four days, why don't I just have a couple beers with dinner tonight."  Of course, I also told myself, "but you said you were not going to drink".

And then the phone call.  WOW!

I told my friend what I had just been thinking before she called.  God works wonders she said.

I have no desire to drink.  How could I?  A very young man is going through something very difficult at no fault of his own.  And his very wonderful mom is hurting.  And she thought of me during this time.

Another Birthday!

I started this blog a couple months before my 55th birthday.  Now you know how old I'll be in a week's time!  As I've written, I got to a point in my late forties where I knew I was in trouble with alcohol.  I never consider myself an alcoholic, still don't, but for purposes of being honest with myself, I am.  As my 50th birthday was approaching, I said I would stop the over indulging, rein back the amount I was drinking.  Of course, this did not happened.  What happened?  We all know, it got worse.  I could write a saga of things, the whats, whys, how comes, but the bottom line, I had to stop.

It's taken me seven years to get here, which is not sober, but better off.  I don't drink anywhere near the way I did two years ago.  This year, I can count on my hand how many times I got drunk to the degree of shamefulness, which is five times too many.  I've managed to go long spurts without drinking, managed to drink responsibly, and do not drink by myself.  Good progress.  I'm proud of myself, but then again, I'm not.

I know it's best not to drink at all.  I have know this for a very long time.  I have written numerous times, I ready to do this once and for all.

I know.  But I have not done so.

I know one day I will.

What I do know, is I'm in a better place with my life. 

Better is good.

Simple, But Not Easy

Another attempt to not drink, ever AGAIN.

What is different this time?

• I have a virtual sober-buddy.
• I have a nephew who I am mentoring about alcohol abuse.
• I am seeking spiritual guidance, through study, on a weekly basis.

There are more avenues I can seek to help with abstaining from alcohol, but for now, I feel confident in what I am doing different to make this time STICK.

It is so simple, do not drink.

It is not easy, to not drink, for all the many reasons I've written about in the past.

But it is possible.  I know it will take more work on my part to achieve.

I'm READY.

Things you think about...

It's Saturday night, I'm drinking a few beers.  Since Memorial weekend, I've been drinking here and there, with a couple times drinking way too much.  I can't say why I give in to drinking, when I know it's bad for me.  I know from all my readings, my brain is wired to want more, and more, when I do drink.  I start off drinking, enjoying the subtle change to my mind set, but then, at times, I go too far.  My story/experience is nothing new, it's the story of many.

Tonight is the last time I plan to drink.  If the stars align, it will be the last time ever.

I've been here before, in the last two years, where I'm giving it my best shot to give up drinking for good.  I haven't managed to quit since I started blogging two years ago, but I have managed to rein it in significantly.  One of the positive outcome from blogging, sharing my story, reaching out to others, and being honest with myself, of my problem, is the change in my mind-set.

I have made progress with the way I used to drink.  I haven't given up hope one day I will never drink, alcohol, again.  And while I've not reached my goal, while I've beaten myself up about it, while I've struggled to stay strong, I've not given up trying.

As Marcus Aurelius said- "The things you think about determine the quality of your mind.  The soul becomes dyed with color of its thoughts."

I keep thinking, I keep believing, I keep trying, I will never, ever drink again.

Failure

I don't post as often as when I started this blog two years ago, mainly, because I haven't been able to quit drinking for good.  When I read back to some of my earlier post, the sentiments and feelings are the same, so why repeat them again.

I'm feeling sorry for myself.  I'm my own worse enemy in this battle to get sober.  For a while, I was content to know I got better with my alcohol problem, meaning, I was drinking less, not as frequent, etc.  All true; but I've flat-lined into a place of steady drinking.

I may not drink for two/three days, then drink a few beers, then after two weeks, I crack that bottle of wine and all bets are off.  If I compare myself to others, I can justify my problem isn't so bad.  Of course, this has kept me where I'm at now.  However, "the problem" drinking too much, is still "the problem."

The problem won't go away until I no longer drink, EVER!

I know I haven't exhausted all avenues of help.  I've not gone to an AA meeting since last year sometime.  I haven't told everyone I know, I have a severe alcohol problem.  I haven't tried checking into an out-patient type service.  Knowing all this, only contributes to my sense of failure to get sober.

I so wanted to be like a number of people in the blog sphere, getting sober on their own.
Then telling everyone, "I did it!".

I not going to give into this failure.  I'm getting ready to start AGAIN.  Fellow bloggers, "S is for",
Putting Down the Drink", and "Tipsy no More" have repeatedly said, "never give up, giving up". How I hold on to those words.

Lastly, my sober buddy, "Habit", is helping me, even if it doesn't seem like I'm making progress.

No one said it would be easy.  But many have said it would be the best thing ever.  I believe it.

I feel a bit better.

Simple isn't easy...

I'm doing okay, but not anywhere near where I want to be with my drinking problem.  I've managed not to get disgustingly drunk, thank goodness, but I've continued to drink here and there.  A lot of family drama is playing out in my world right now, and I'm soothing myself with drinking beer.  I've only drank wine three times since Easter.  Wine wrecks havoc, while beer just numbs.  I don't pretend that drinking beer is the right thing to do, but it doesn't cause the same issues as wine does.  I am wavering, trying to get back on track, and I will.   One area in my life where I do well is with finances, money.  I read a blog by Trent Hamm, "The Simple Dollar" faithfully.  His perspective on money management is something I can relate to.  He wrote a blog on June 18th titled, "The Simple Dollar", is not, "The Easy Dollar".  It hit me, how much it can relate to drinking, here's a portion of the article:

1. Start now, not later.
Spend less today. Not tomorrow. Today.
Make the things you need to do to make this your new life pattern your highest priority for the next few days.
Don’t shy away from giant steps, but remember that little steps are successes, too.

2. Remove temptations from your regular environment.
Delete your passwords and credit cards from websites.
Avoid places where you might be tempted to spend money.
Don’t carry cash or credit cards with you unless you intend to spend.

3. Establish fresher routines for your day-to-day life.
Purchase more energy-efficient devices when it’s time for replacement.
Find the most efficient commute.
Renegotiate your bills.

4. Don’t get hung up on individual mistakes; instead, focus on a new day.
Recognize always that one misstep does not mean the end of your progress.
Spend time figuring out why you made that misstep and don’t just merely excuse it.
Focus on today and tomorrow – only use the past and far future as inspiration until you’ve mastered your new habits.

5. Schedule treats.
Give yourself a certain amount of room and freedom for spontaneity.
Choose “time” splurges rather than “money” splurges.
Enjoy the anticipation and the afterglow.

This is so true, on point.  Why I'm still struggling with drinking is because I haven't really followed these points.  But, I'm still trying to do so; I'm still not giving up to let the drink be a thing of the past.  Really, I'm not.

Two Years Trying

Today is the second year anniversary of this blog.  This time last year, I wrote on how grateful I was for changing the course of my drinking.  I still haven't managed to be 100% sober.  I have improved significantly from 2015, but I still have work to do.  After my last post, I was so happy with my continued progress, and then I fell.  Since Easter, I've only drank twice, but one of those times was a whopper of an episode.  Let's just say, I cannot continue to pretend I can control drinking when it suits me.  I may share what happened on Friday, May 24th, down the road, but for now, let's just say, "I hope I learned another lesson."  A lesson that has (and is) keeping me pretty strong to stay the course.

I will not give up, "trying to give up for good"! 

Feeling Even Better!

I've made the 30 day challenge with Habit!  Except for a couple days there, overall, it wasn't too hard of a fight not to drink.  There's no doubt it's better not drinking to excess, drinking every day, or drinking just for the hell of it (meaning to get blitz), no doubt at all.

In the past two years, I've completed a few long stretches of not drinking. A lot of times drinking only one or two drinks at a time and days between with no drinks. This has resent my behavior with alcohol for the better.  But I do have a ways to go, and I'm moving in the right direction.

However, drinking occasionally and responsibly has it's allure for me.  I'm going to enjoy this upcoming Memorial weekend with some drinks.  Then jump back on the horse for another long ride with no alcohol.  I shared my story with a neighbor, she's a young lady in her early 30's, and she wants to join my next "dry spell", until her 4th of July party.  I'm looking forward to the next stretch with this new buddy (Habit will always be my first #1), as she lives right across the street! 

I didn't think moderation was something I could do.  But, I think changing my frame of mind, and working on many different areas in my life has help me to get to this place.  I don't mean to say this is the way for everyone.  I still admire those who have gone 100% sober.  I know it's a positive. 

Moderation, for me, for now, works.  And if it doesn't (I hate jinxing myself), I'll write about it here to keep it real.

Feeling Much Better

Oh how the emotions change day-by-day at times.

I feel great!  I know, right?  That's life, which is how it has and always will be: up, down, around, straight, and sometimes backwards.  As long as I live that's just the way it goes.

After I wrote my previous post, I reached out to my sober buddy and she helped me get through those feelings.  She reminded me how well I've done overall, regardless of not being 100% sober since I've started this blog.  And she's right.  I am better. 

I will continue to get better!

Feeling Disappointed

My 30 day challenge is almost over.  Today is day 26; and while I've done pretty well with not having cravings or fighting myself about "not drinking", these past two days, I did.  My personal and work lives are challenging at the moment, but not to where I'm really over-whelmed.  Or am I?  Whatever is going on right now, has affected my feelings about drinking.  Then again, maybe seeing my husband come home, open his two cans of beer and pour it into a beer glass has me jealous?  It didn't last week.

All I know is I want to drink.  Not to get drunk.  But if I drink, it's a chance I take, because I know I can (and have) drank too much even when the intent was not to.

My sober buddy has been there for me, and this has been crucial to keeping on the straight and narrow.  It's day 31, well day 35 (a Friday, the start to Memorial weekend) I'm worrying about.

I'm disappointed in myself.  I know many people have been at these crossroads.  From reading, I know the ones who kept the strength to not drink, have shared how wonderful, great, fantastic, etc. it is to be sober 100%.  I believe them. 

I'm fighting myself and for what?

Tomorrow is another day.  Tomorrow I will feel different. 

Today, I know I will not drink.

That is a good thing.

21 - Happy Mother's Day

Good Morning Everyone!

I am off to visit the mother-in-law today.  A two hour drive to get there, but I'm fresh and ready to go.

Yesterday, I spent all day with my mother (sister came along for morning part of the day) and had a great time.  My mom is the best (all mothers really are, well some exceptions are out there). 

My gift to myself (my three children all live far away, but I did receive the Happy Mother's Day shout outs, etc.) is not drinking for another day.  The best gift I could give myself right now!

Be happy, smile, and know someone loves you (even if it's yourself, as you are someone)!

15 Days

I made it through a mini get-a-way with no alcohol!  Well, actually, I did take two tastes of beer.  My hubby and me left Friday morning to Kernville, and stayed in a lovely room by the Kern river!  This is one of our favorites places to visit.  The mountain air, small city square and the beauty of the river always makes us relax and unwind. There's a brewery there we like, which we have visited many times, that sells a beer called Isabella Blonde.  I love the taste of this beer.  Of course, we went there and my husband order a glass of Isabella and I a root beer.  My husband turned to me and said the beer tasted "off".  He told the woman who served him the beer something wasn't right about the taste and she tasted it and said it was fine.  My hubby said to me, "please taste it", you'll see what I mean, so I did.  And it wasn't good.  Something was off about it, and the bartender said no problem to change it out.  My husband ordered something we never tried before.  He said it was very good, but stronger than Isabella.  He said, "taste it", and I thought, a taste can't hurt me.  And you know what, it didn't!  I personally didn't like this new beer taste compared to Isabella.  I figured, "the powers that be" made sure my favorite beer wasn't going to tempt me, and therefore, Isabella ended up flat on the ground, so to speak. 

Today, on our way back home, my husband said it didn't seem like a big deal I didn't drink.  He said it seemed easy for me not drinking. I won't say it was easy, but he's right, it wasn't too bad at all!

Fifteen days down, half-way to my 30 day challenge with my sober buddy!

The Sweet Spot

In the past two years, in addition to trying to get 100% sober, I have been exploring other areas of enlightenment/self-improvement for myself.  Turning 50, it hit me, I was on the down side of my life; meaning, I had lived longer than I was going to live until I died.  Accidents aside, given the statistics, I can live another 30+ years.  Of course, how I take care of myself is a big part of equation.  Not only my physical self, but my mind and spirit as well.

I have always known eating right and exercising are an important key to a healthy life.
I am not religious, was raised a token Catholic, however, I do believe there's a higher power.
I know education broadens one's horizons.
I know hard work pays off in results.
I know spending less than you earn, will help you save money.
I know being kind, caring and loving is key to connecting with people.

I know...etc.

But even knowing all the above, I've grappled with feelings of inadequacies because I haven't (and still don't) follow the best course of action for a perfect life. Then it finally dawned on me.  I will never have a perfect life.  NEVER.  I can, however, have a rich, rewarding, wondrous and full life just being ordinary, just being me.  The best me, I can be.  And so as I venture down paths of self-knowledge, I have to remember, it's okay to stumble, make mistakes, fall down. I just have to remember to get back up and move forward towards a better life.

As for drinking, well, it has it's sweet spot, one drink a day for women (men get to have two).  I haven't been able to keep it to one drink (occasionally yes, but rarely).  So, knowing this, I should not drink period.  I'm still working on this one.  Day 11.

Week Two

One whole week down!  It hasn't been too hard, not drinking.  I'm not itching, craving or feeling down about not drinking.  All good.

Two factors are contributing to this at the moment.

One, my sober buddy, Habit, is walking this path with me.  We committed 30 days to each other.  I do not want to break that commitment.

Two, extended-family dynamics are and have been foremost in my life since late last year.  I wrote about some of these in a prior post, so I won't go into details here.  I am fortunate in many, many ways, and giving back to my family members is helping me to stay sober.  I wish I could magically take care of all their problems and issues, but I can't.  Damn, if I had magical powers, this world would be a very different place, but I digress.

For now, I'll take anything going on in my life, right now, which will keep me on the straight and narrow.

I'm human.  And if I look to the future, I still wonder about drinking.

But for now, I'll think about today only.

Day 5

It's the tempting hour!  Beautiful day, sunny and bright, home getting dinner ready and the thought of a drink is there.  But, I'll be okay.  Once dinner is served, the temptation will pass, this I know.

Tomorrow is Friday, so it will be a bit harder to forgo an alcohol beverage, but as I shared with my sober buddy, I plan to eat Ruffles with onion dip for dinner.  What the hell, while not the best food for my body, better than booze!

Curve Balls

I have no urges, desires, or cravings for alcohol, at least not at this moment. 

I feel positive, upbeat, and confident I’ll make the 30 days sober. 

Then, as I wrote prior, I’ll worry about staying sober longer.

I have my sober buddy, Habit, working along with me on this one! 

I have a lot to think about; a lot going on in my life right now, which doesn’t need the interference of drinking.

My step-father (who was really more of a dad to me than my real one) passed away unexpectedly March 18^th.  Since then, I’ve been helping my mother navigate all the trappings which come with death.

There has been, and continues to be so much to do.  My mother depended on my step-dad for everything, and now she’s needs to relearn to be independent.  I’m the oldest and she respects my opinions. 

I love her and would do anything for her, but it’s getting to be a bit more than I expected, in terms of time and commitment, but I’ll get through it.

I have a brother who lived outside of California, for the past 20+ years, and came back last October.  He’s homeless and lives in a shelter.  Because of his background (not a very good one) and the choices he’s made, my mother, sister and I will not let him live with us.  Too complicated to explain here, but it doesn’t mean we don’t love him.  I live an hour away from my mom and sister.  My brother staying at a shelter, which is 20 minutes away from me, means I’ve become the go-to person for him.  He’s found a part-time job, maintains having a phone, and bought a 30 day bus pass to get around.  However, there have been plenty of times where he’s been stuck at midnight, no buses available to pick him up.  Gotten sick and needs help with over-the-counter meds, etc.  My husband has been supportive of my helping my brother, but to a degree.  I have to say, I’ve drank less because of this situation, only because I never know when my brother will call for help.  In a way, this is a blessing in disguise. 

Just last week, my husband went on Workman’s Compensation, due to a compression fracture in his back.  This was totally unexpected to me.  He had hurt himself at work two months ago, and was working through the pain.  He was seeing a chiropractor, getting massages, going to the gym to soak in the Jacuzzi, resting on weekends, getting better, which he said he was, and so I thought.  But then he had an MRI, and it showed he has a compression fracture.  Everything I’ve read about it, says it can heal, with rest and time, but my husband took it as a “death” sentence!  Everything my husband is reading is turning him into an invalid.  I told him I don’t get it.  He was feeling better, working through his pain, and then he gets the MRI results and it’s a whole different ball game.  I’m trying to understand.  I need to be sympathetic, caring and kind, but it’s hard.  Needless to say, this is going to affect our finances in a way I wasn’t expecting.  Fortunately, we have savings, so I tell myself not to worry on that front.

Lastly, this past weekend, me and my husband went to visit his mother, she’s 86, who lives two hours away from us.  She’s had a very hard time in the past year, breaking both hips and needing full-time help.  My husband and her have always had a love/hate relationship.  They love each other, but don’t really like each other.  They get into so many arguments about so many things, it’s exhausting being around these two at times.  I get along with her well enough, because I don’t rock the boat.  I just listen to her, agree with her, etc.  There’s no point in fighting with her.  Anyway, the caretaker told us she plans to leave her employment in two, three months at most, and thinks it’s time “we” move in to take care of my husband’s mom.  My mother-in-law is well off.  She had a beautiful home with room enough for us to live there.  My husband is her only child.  Years ago, I told my husband we could take care of her when the time was needed.  I lied.  I don’t want to take care of her.  It’s too hard.  I’ll crack.  My mother-in-law will not consider to move with us, and she says she won’t go in a home.  So I have to break it to her we won’t be moving in with her.  It’s going to be drama.

I’m okay.  I will get through all this, all while staying sober. 

As has been written, “what doesn’t kill me, will only make me stronger”! 

I hope so.

Happy and Sad

I'm so ready to stop drinking, again.  When I started this blog June 2016, it was after a terrible binge of drinking.  I had been keeping a journal the year prior on my drinking, trying to document how much I drank, when, why, because I had gotten out of control to the point of despair.  As I was going through this period, I was attending AA meetings, sporadically, telling my closes family members of my drinking problem and found the world of bloggers sharing their stories about alcohol problems.  Reading so many different stories, by so many different people getting sober and staying so, was inspiring, and so, I thought, just do it too!  Blog.

Well, my journey has not been a straight shot to soberville.  I've taken side-turns and step-backs along the way, but I can say, I'm in a better place now, then I was June 2016.  However, I still have issues with alcohol at times, and the only way for these issues to go away, to stop, is to not drink.

This time, I have a lovely woman helping me, virtually holding my hand to help me get back on track. Done With My Wine Habit has agreed to tag-team with me to keep each other accountable.  I know I will not let her down!  I won't, because I don't want to let myself down either.  We are in this together for 30 days straight.  Day 31 shouldn't be too hard by then, right?  I'm not going to think of day 31 for now, Day 1 is enough for now.

If you celebrate Easter, may it have been a wonderful one.

I AM READY TO TRY AGAIN!

More to come shortly....

THIS TIME, I'M ADDING A NEW HABIT!!

Happy DAYS are coming soon.

Congratulations to SamKD! She made 1000 days!!

I'm okay.  Still working on myself, which means, I'm still drinking.  I don't know when I'll get back on track, but it will come.  I tell myself this ALL the time. 

BUT...

My main reason for the post today is to say a huge CONGRATULATIONS to SamKD, her blog "S IS For...", posted yesterday 1000 days of sobriety!  She has posted almost every single day (she missed only a couple days at most), even if just to say it was a good day, period.  You are a SUPER STAR! 

Less is More....

I've not been able to stop drinking.  Last year I did so well, but so far, I'm still at it.  Nothing too horrible but drinking nevertheless.  A lot of personal issues going on with family members, but that's no excuse for drinking.  I'm falling down, and it's starting to get to me.  I'm lost in a way.  I know I need help, but....I will not give up!

2019 New Beginnings

Hello to whoever is reading this!  I'm still here, although quiet for far too long.  2018 was a pretty good year.  I did not reach my goal of being alcohol free 100% but I did make good progress with my drinking.  There's much to share on how 2018 netted out in regards to all my efforts to stay sober much of the time, but I'm not ready to delve into it all, maybe I won't ever be.  However, I'm not giving up "on giving up" alcohol.  This is a phrase I'm borrowing from PDTG's blog.

It's never to late, sometimes it's too long in coming, but until I'm dead, I always can try to be better with this alcohol problem of mine.  But please know, I'm moving forward, I'm really am.

To 2019, I'm excited to see where it goes!