The New Year

It's almost midnight, the new year, and I am feeling grateful, happy, and positive.  Me and my husband went out to a nice dinner with our very good friends.  They are friends which we have known for five years now.  She doesn't drink and he does, but only a little.  In the last two years, they have become our best friends.  The fact that she doesn't drink, has helped me to not drink much at all.  However, tonight, she had a glass of champagne to celebrate the new year.  One glass.  I had four glasses, not enough to make me drunk or feel stupid, but more than enough.  But I don't feel bad about it.  For some reason, I feel excited, because tomorrow is my new start.  I am going to do dry January.  Then, I plan to keep going...to not drink for February.  I will do this, I will.

While 2017 wasn't my year to give up alcohol completely, it was my year to reign it in significantly.  I stopped drinking daily.  I stopped drinking to get drunk.  I only got "overly, stupidly drunk" eight or less times in 2017 (and of course, I felt like the biggest failure because of it) and I have felt positive about not drinking as I've done in the past.  With all that being said, I'm ready to not drink at all.

2017 wasn't perfect, in regards to my drinking alcohol (well, in other things as well), but it was an improvement to years pass.  2018 will be my year to join all those who have stayed the course to not drink.  2018 will be the year I make the biggest change of my life.  I'm ready.  I'm excited.  I'm going to do this.  I am.

Happy New Year!

I won the Festive Christmas Attire Contest!

I did it!  I came up with a creative outfit for my company's Christmas lunch party and won!
It made a much better presentation in person, but here it is.  The banner says Feliz Navidad, Merry Christmas in Spanish.  Being Latina, well, it made sense.

And of course, the prize, a bottle of pricey wine!  It shall be re-gifted, hahaha!!

Company Christmas Party

I'm feeling great!  This month has been wonderful!  Even though my daughter and step-daughter are far-away (they aren't making it home for Christmas) and my step-son is spending Christmas with his mother's family in Arizona, it's still a magical time.  I've been to a couple Christmas parties, and have had wonderful times, no drama, no over-drinking, just precious time with family and friends.

Today's party is a lunch event. I don't plan to have more than a glass or two of wine.  I'm looking forward to the ugly sweater contest, my being more tacky than ugly, hahaha!  This will be the last Christmas party I attend before Christmas.  This is the last time I plan to drink.

I feel positively great! 

Happy Holidays to Everyone! 

Doing Okay!

I've not posted much, not because things are going badly at all, just haven't focused on drinking like before.  I'm not alcohol free, I want to be, but I'm not the hot mess I was earlier this year.  I've managed to change my relationship with alcohol for the better.  This is not to say I haven't had a few hiccups since starting this blog, because I have; but I'm proud at where I am for the moment. 

So far, I've managed the holiday festivities with no major drinking involved.  The plan is to keep it that way.  Last New Year’s Eve, I didn’t drink.  That’s the goal again this year. 

Then we’ll see what the New Year brings, because I feel very positive about it! 

Merry wishes to all!

Day 4

It's the last day of the month.  The past four days have been full, good-filled days, with work and home life.  I'm starting to get into the Christmas spirit, putting up decorations, buying a few gifts, thinking of the upcoming events and parties.  As I wrote, I've not stayed alcohol free since I began to drink back in August.  I'm better, not so desperate because I have changed my habit of drinking, but I had a bad slip on September 30th and I don't want to repeat that again. 

The best way not to, "don't drink".  May I follow that simple advice.

Thanksgiving

I made it through the Thanksgiving holiday without causing too much damage with alcohol.  I did drink, but nothing over-the-top, no drama, no issues and no hangovers.  I still can't get back on the sober track because I make excuses that nothing bad is happening from drinking, but it's a slippery slope, I know.

Today should be day 1, again.

Sparks

I’m not 100% sober, but I’m much better now than I was when I started my journey to stop the madness. November 2015 is when I stumbled across Mummy was a Secret Drinker’s blog, from there, I found other wonderful bloggers dealing with the issues of alcohol (or on paths of soberity), Wendy, Michelle, Anne, Hurrah for Coffee, PDTG, and so many more…this led me to start my own blog this past June. Of course, it was started the day after a horrible evening of drinking to excess.  Blogging has and is helping me to deal with my drinking problem.

I don’t want to be caught up in the nightmare cycle of drinking to excess.  But I know even moderate drinking, for me, can/does trip into indulgence. I know it’s the addiction.  The only solution is to not drink at all.  And this is what I’m fighting myself with at this time.  I know I’ve turned a corner.  I know I can do this, it’s a matter of sticking with it and not letting temptation call.  With that being said, reading blogs helps so very much.  Michelle at givingupdrugsandalcohol.blogspot.com wrote an empowering post recently, which struck a chord with me.  As long as I’m honest with myself and others about my drinking (or anything really), I can face the problem.

It’s sparks like these, which help me to get closer to my goal.  

Thank you Michelle; I don’t want to drink.  

Roller Coaster

I'm still doing okay; haven't drank much, manage three, four day stretches without drinking, but then...well you know.  Haven't gotten drunk, over-the-top, or blackouts since the last episode on September 30th.  The goal is still to be alcohol free.

On a separate note, I've been dealing with separation anxiety, as my only biological daughter is moving to Germany in a few days.  She married a very nice guy who is in the British military, who happens to be stationed in Germany.  She married him last December.  Their romance was a whirlwind affair.  I still can’t believe it at times, but the bottom line, she’s moving far, far away from me.  We are very close.  I’m having a hard time with her leaving.  I know she’ll be fine.  She’s an adult.  She’s bright and capable.  And with modern technology, we can stay in touch in all kinds of ways.  But not getting to see her in person, hug her…it’s saddens me. 

And lastly, today is my 21^st wedding anniversary.  I don’t write much about my husband, but he’s a great guy.  This is our second marriage for both and we are so fortunate to have found each other when we did!

Actually, I'm better then okay.  I’m loved.

Still Here...

I'm okay, but I've not written because I feel bad for drinking these past two months.  Not like before, but I know it's a slippery slope.  And I did have one episode of blacking out on September 30th.  Which you'd think would stop me in my tracks....I'm in a place where I don't want to share my feelings.  Not a depression, but a feeling of defeat in this road of not drinking.

There I did it!  Baby steps again.  I'm okay.

Black Friday

Yesterday, my company laid off a couple people, cut some positions to half-time, and lowered salaries for others.  I was fortunate, as I was not affected.  However, after my supervisor explained all the changes to take place, the last thing he shared, was I would have to move from my current desk location to another one.  I currently work in a space which has floor to ceiling glass sliding doors that look out to the Pacific ocean.  The new location, one which recently became vacant, is in a dark, no windows three-walled cubicle.  Reason for the move, I talk too much and my voice carries.  I've been told, by him prior, I talk too much, but I've always argued that I don't agree.  I'm social, I do talk, but I don't at the point of hurting my or other's' work.  People don't avoid me, or put earbuds in their ears when I approach, etc.  People like to talk to me.  In fact, three months prior I was given a promotion (unfortunately, no pay increase to support the added responsibilities).  When I said I didn't want to move, he said I had to, as he spoke to me about this before.  Which is true.  What was more hurtful this time, was he said a number of people (4 and our company only has 21 people, well now it will be less) spoke to him about my talking, saying I was disturbing them, and doors had to be shut because of my talking.  I asked for names, and he gave them to me.  I was surprised by this, as I never sensed anything from anyone of these people, nor did I ever noticed doors closing around me.

Given what happened to others, I felt petty feeling bad about my situation, but it did not take away the hurt, demoralizing feelings.  I've worked at this job for four years now, and talking in the offices is frown by a few people, specifically my boss.  He rarely comes out of his office, and he's known for his cynical attitude, so not many chat with him.  In fact, I've been credited for working with him, as well as I can, given his demeanor.  The first two years were very hard, but I thought I finally got to a place where I fit in.  Now I don't feel that way any longer.  I need to let these feelings go, and just accept the situation.  If I want it to be different, I need to look for another job.  Something I think I'll do.

For a brief moment, driving home yesterday, I wanted to drink to numb my feelings.  I was angered, masking my hurt, and drinking seemed the thing to do, but I got home and thought, "Don't make things worse."  Because even though for a brief moment, the pain would subside, all I would ultimately do is make matters worse.  I don't want to do that to myself.  So I didn't drink.  Something positive, something very positive to hold on to, given what I'm feeling for now.

A side note, my sister is on Day 6.  It's very hard, as we all know, and this is the longest she's been without alcohol and/or pot in ages.  For this I'm grateful.

So in the scheme of things, my life isn't awful or bad; but I'm still human, so I'll get hurt from time-to-time.  I know this is part of life.  Just wish I could let it go sooner, rather than later...

My Sister

My sister's long time partner (20 years +) called me Monday evening to tell me my sister is out of control.  (This man has never called me for anything, we aren't close.)  She's drinking to the point of damaging ALL.  I know my sister drinks too much, in fact, I've drank with her way too many times to count.  When I started this blog, I let my sister know so she could follow me, if she wanted.  She's been supportive ALL the way with my decision to quit.  This has made her think about her own issues with alcohol, but I now know, it's also pushed her to stop sharing with me her fears about her own drinking and many other problems she going through right now.  Getting this phone call from her significant other was scary, as he shared he's at his wits end, and wants to walk away from it all.  I can't, and won't, blame him for feeling this way, but it hurts to think my sister will be left alone in this state.  I asked him if he was okay with me letting my sister know he called me to discuss this problem.  He said, "that's why I called you."

I did call my sister, but she didn't answer.  I texted her and she said she was busy and would call me soon, she hasn't as of this writing.  For the moment, all I know is, I'm here to support her however I can~BUT, I cannot make her stop drinking.  This I know for a fact.

So, I've sent her numerous texts, telling her I love her, she's not alone and "you can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending." C.S. Lewis.

I need to stay strong for the both of us right now.  I need to be the BIG sister and show her the way by my actions and examples.  She deserves that and more.

Hurricane Irma

Sunday morning and all I've been listening to, reading and watching is the major storm taking place in Florida (actually been paying attention since Saturday night).  Between the Houston flooding, Mexico earthquake and this hurricane I feel like "Mother Earth" is saying enough with you insensitive human beings!

But I also feel like this is a sign for me as well.  The past year and a half, I've been trying to stop drinking for good.  My inner turmoil with drinking felt like all three of these episodes happening right now.  The degree of angst was extremely high.  While I'm not 100% sober, meaning I had a lapse last month after a good start, I'm back on track.  I don't want to have raging emotions concerning drinking to be part of my life anymore.  I don't want to self-destruct.  I want peace.

Please keep all the people in the world, who have or are dealing with these catastrophic events, in your prayers.  I cannot image what they are going through, but I know they will need as much help and support they can get.  My heartfelt prayers to them all.

Yeah for September!

I'm back on track, feeling pretty good this time about NOT drinking.  Instead of feeling sorry for myself, that I cannot drink, I'm feeling positive that I won't drink.  I know drinking isn't ALL fun, especially when one doesn't know how to drink moderately like myself.  It's a good thing to not "want" to drink, only took me 25 years to figure out!

I wish I was a better writer, more engaging, etc., but I'm not, so head over to Mummy was a Secret Drinker's blog and read her latest post:

5 Reasons Why September is a Great Month to Quit Drinking

And may I add a 6th reason, you'll love yourself more for it!

Thank you Mummy!!

No Secrets

My week's vacation in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico was a great time! Even though the weather was very hot and humid, the city was a beautiful place to visit.  The ocean and jungle were just magnificent.   On my actual birthday, 8/17, I went on a boat ride to a jungled area, to see a show and have a romantic dinner afterwards.  I enjoyed myself tremendously!  It went by so fast, too fast.

But I'm back to reality and I have to be honest, I did drink on vacation.  Of the seven days I was there, I drank five days.  Mostly I drank plain Margarita's or Strawberry Daiquiris, in fact, I drank about 3 to 4 per day.  These drinks were not the kind to knock you on your socks, they were more soft drinks, I didn't get drunk on the days I drank them.  However, I did decide to buy a bottle of wine one evening, while my husband bought the local beer.  Why?  Because I had opened the doors by drinking the other drinks, I felt the urge to have a "proper" drink.  One which would flood my bloodstream and make me feel "alcohol."  Yes, I wanted to get buzzed, not drunk, just....but we know how that goes.  I count a bottle of wine as four glasses, and I had thought I would drink 2 or 3 as I watched the sunset on our balcony.  Well, after the third glass, my mind switched to "just finish" the bottle, what the hell! And of course, after that, I was all for just one more, but there was no more to be found.  So what did I do, I had a beer.  Thank the stars, or whatever, but at that point, our bathroom sink backed up!  Long story as to how that came about, but the point was, we had to deal with the hotel staff to attend to the situation, and it was near midnight.  Of course I couldn't keep drinking, but had the problem not occurred I would have finished what beer my husband hadn't.  The same old pattern, thinking I can control my drinking, but I can't.  Needless to say, the next day, I had a hangover.  Thank goodness this happened only one day on the vacation, but granted one day too many.

When I got back home, I told myself not to feel shame, to chalk it up to lessons learned.  Someone I email with regarding my sober journey, told me to appreciate what I had accomplished, the long stretch I went without drinking.  And there's truth there, but I am disappointed in my laspe.  I don't want to go back to what I was, drinking every day, too much, and being miserable more times then I care to remember.  And I believe I won't.

I'm back on track.  This time I feel stronger in my resolve to not drink.  The Margaritas and Daiquiris were nothing more than sugary filled drinks, and really, I could drink those "virgin" and enjoy them. I know now, I can drink alcohol, but I don't want to.  I didn't miss out having fun by being sober.  Not a bit.

Here's to the next long stretch!  May it be for the rest of my life!!

Scared and Confused

I had no plans for a vacation this summer, especially when I decided on June 5th to start this blog.  I planned on keeping a low key summer, to get some momentum on this sober journey.  So far, I've managed to avoid most bars (wrote about one time I went with my husband and how hard it was), family gatherings where alcohol is part of the norm, and happy hours (although I did meet with a past co-worker as we had plans from mid-May and I told her I wasn't drinking and she was non-judgemental about it).  Instead, I've done more reading, gone to bed early, hit the gym, gone on hikes, eaten more breakfasts out (used to be I went out to eat dinner) and focused on staying strong.  But a chance opportunity came about to partake of a free hotel suite in Puerta Vallarta, Mexico.

A co-worker has a time share he couldn't use, so he offered it to me as a birthday gift.  My birthday is August 17th, and the time share is available August 12th through August 19th.  When I told my husband about it, he did not hesitate and said we had to go, so we are leaving this Saturday for the trip.  Until today, I've not focused on how I would handle the drinking situation.  I've been using the mentality, not going to think about drinking tomorrow, only today, and this has gotten me through some rough days.  I'm scared.  I've always enjoyed drinking on vacation and now I can't.  But the truth is I can and I may want to and that's what is scaring me the most.

To add confusion to the mix, my 28 year old daughter wrote this to me today.  I sent an email to her dated on June 2nd, right before I decided to quit drinking.  I don't know why it was left in my outbox without being sent (although my daughter asked if I meant to send this to her again), but when I read it, I decided to send it to her just because I was surprised, sad, alarmed that I was writing about drinking, I don't know exactly why, but I did.


RE: TGIF June 2nd

 

Wed 8/9/2017 10:32 AM

Deleted Items

To

You replied on 8/9/2017 10:55 AM.

Action Items

You need to learn how to control your drinking because you not drinking is just making you beat yourself up almost just as bad as when you drink and wake up feeling guilty. I don’t even think you have a problem. I’m going to support you no matter what.  I just don’t like the fact that you keep labeling yourself an alcoholic. Every time you think or tell yourself that you give it more power over you. You’re a strong lady if you want to drink do it. If you don’t want to go over the limit when you drink…don’t go over the limit.  You know 100% what you are doing when you drink. You could  stop you just don’t want to. It’s not that you don’t have any control I think that’s bullshit and a pussy way out. I know damn well when I’m drinking what I’m doing. If you want something you can have it, you just have to want it bad enough. Set a limit and stop. It doesn’t have some magical power over you Mom. You just let it and it’s an excuse. Set a limit and actually want to stick to it. It’s like that with everything. That’s how I am with exercising and trying to eat right. You can do whatever you want as long as you want it bad enough. I love you and I just want you to be happy and feel normal not like your missing out on things ( which you aren’t) but it makes me sad that you almost feel left out.

From:
Sent: Wednesday, August 09, 2017 10:12 AM
To:
Subject: RE: TGIF June 2nd

Not really, it was stuck in my out basket, but what’s weird, is it’s the last weekend before I stopped drinking.

See how I wrote I would only have beers and no wine, made me sad in a way.

From:
Sent: Wednesday, August 09, 2017 10:06 AM
To:
Subject: RE: TGIF June 2nd

Weird did you mean to send this to me again?

From:
Sent: Wednesday, August 09, 2017 9:51 AM
To:
Subject: RE: TGIF June 2nd

Yeah, just a couple of beers, no wine.  I thought about what you said, wine just bring out the worse in me.

Are you coming home after work for sure?

I love my daughter more than anything in the world.  She's a smart woman, educated, and knows alcohol is bad when drank in excess.  She knows I've struggled with alcohol, so it hurt me to read what she wrote.  Only because I'm making her feel bad for me, as I'm complaining more about not drinking and how it hard it is, rather than focusing on the positive.  What kind of example have I set for her.

I asked my daughter if she would be okay for me to share this and she said yes.  She did say, as long as you don't care people "talking sh!t" on me.  But then she said, it doesn't matter as long as I feel this is something that will help me.

I'm hoping it will.

Quickie!

60 Days No Alcohol!!

Birthday Month

The beginning of a new month, my birthday month.  I'm turning 55.  For the last 20 years plus, my birthday month was a major reason for drinking.  Celebrating with alcohol was the norm, especially if I managed to take a vacation during this time frame.  Well, I'm taking that vacation, to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico!  I'm nervous about it.  I've never gone to Mexico without drinking Margaritas, or taking a shot or two (who am I kidding) of tequila. My husband and daughter both say, if I do, don't over do it, just go slow.  If only....

Well, I'm writing this blog for a reason, reason being I can't drink like that, well at least not most of the time.  I'm struggling with the thoughts, can I, should I, no you shouldn't, it will be fine without, etc. For now, all I can say is I don't plan to give up.  Others have managed through their first vacation without drinking, so can I, right?

But I'm scared I'll fail.

Watermelon Festival

It's early Sunday morning and I've been up since 6:30 a.m.  I'm going to a watermelon festival in the San Fernando Valley, which is about a hour and half drive from where I live.  This is something I've never done, or would have thought to do while I was drinking.  Sunday mornings were ALWAYS for sleeping in after a night of drinking.  But now that I haven't drank in eight Saturdays straight, I find I'm doing things I never thought of doing.  As most know, mornings are now the time to have fun, as the evenings are still challenging.  I associate night time fun with drinking involved, so it's still hard to face the evenings, but that's okay, because it should get better.

So I'm off to discover what one does at a watermelon festival, besides eat watermelon.  And of course, I plan to eat a lot of watermelon!  Better than drinking a lot of booze.

Here's to another day without drinking!

Patience

I don't seem to have much patience with anything these days, especially not drinking.  I have been told to hold strong, with time this "no drinking" will be easier to handle, but it's seems to be getting harder to stay the course.  I thought it would get a little easier day, by day, but it's getting harder.  I know I can't drink because I don't know how (nor do I think) to handle it.  I always slip up and drink way too much and all the ugly feelings start.  I don't want that, I don't.

I just wish I had patience to wait for the "desire" to go away.  All I can do is believe, have faith, that it will be worth it somewhere down the road.

Day 48

40 Days

Today is 40 days, 40 days from the last drink(s) I had.  I won't say, "I can't believe it" because I do, it's been hard work getting here.  So I decided to see if there was something on the web which spoke to 40 days being significant and I found this article (still not sure how to post a link):

THE BLOG 

06/29/2016 12:02 pm ET | Updated Jun 30, 2017

40 Days To Change Your Life

By Rebecca Grainger

Good article, but I'm not there yet, what is wrong with me?

I do feel better, I haven't had any hangovers, my mornings are the best and I sleep pretty well.  But I still miss drinking.  I do.

However, I'm not giving up.

34 Days

My fourth weekend without drinking.  I read a few blogs religiously on this subject of recovery.  It can take quite of a bit time doing so, but it's what is giving me strength to hold on.  Belle, whom I'm sure many of you know or heard of on the soberverse, sends me emails daily.  Sometimes I respond, most times I just read and absorb the message.  Today I responded to her question on relapse and if it helps to make one stronger to getting sober for REAL.

Day 34; I'm still fighting the urges, cravings and self-talk from my A.D. (alcohol demo) saying, "I can drink for today and start this sober path tomorrow." I've been here plenty of times, so I know giving up now will get me nowhere, but it took a few, hundred, times trying to be where I'm at now. So I'm on the fence about the whole relapse/recovery issue.  It sucks big time trying to get to the other side of the road, but I'm trusting the many who've done it, that it's worth it.  It takes time to get there, but sometimes accidents happen, and hopefully you get back up and cross the road.

Otherwise, you could end up being a hit and run, DOA and I don't want that to happen to me.  A bit dramatic I know, but you know what I mean.

Mummy was a Secret Drinker has a much better analogy to crossing the road, it's titled, The Obstacle Course.  Very good read; if only I was computer literate, I would post a link, but I'm not there yet.  :-(

As I wrote in a previous post, the longest stretch sober in the past 10+ years was 37 days.  Here's to day 38! I think for sure I'll get there.  Then I'll worry about the next two days to 40.  Teenie, weenie, baby steps...

4th of July - the 241st anniversary of America's independence

To all you Americans out there, Happy 4th of July!  The whole country is celebrating this day, with BBQs, park/beach visits, parades, all kinds of activities and, of course, a lot of drinking to go along with the festivities.  When I decided to give this sober ride another chance, I didn't think about today. All I thought at the time was, "please let me get through this day not drinking."

Well, I've made it a whole 30 days without an alcoholic beverage of any kind!  For which I am grateful! So today, in addition to celebrating our country's independence, I'm celebrating my independence from alcohol.  I know I have a long way to go, but I'm determine to make this stick.

And so I leave you with a quote by Harry S. Truman, 33rd President of the United States:

"America was not built on fear. America was built on courage, on imagination and an unbeatable determination to do the job at hand."

No one said it was going to be easy...

Yesterday was a very trying day for me.  My husband wanted to go out for lunch at one of our favorite places by the beach.  The evening before, I went to a bachelorette party, where there was lots of wine, but I didn't drink.  I even ended up having a very good time, dancing the night away!  So I thought, well, I can handle having a club soda, while my husband has his couple beers, no problem. Wrong.  I was melancholy, seeing everyone at the brewery, having drinks, talking, laughing away, and I was sitting there wanting a beer so badly.  I don't get it?  The night before, I had no problems with everyone drinking around me, so why now?  My husband said, "If you're going to be like this, just have a couple glasses of wine!  Life is too short, live a little!"  I couldn't believe it!  He knows I have a problem, but since I've managed to curb my outlandish behavior when drinking for the past year or so, he thinks I not that bad anymore.

He doesn't get it.  While I've managed more times in the last year to drink responsibly, there were still many times where I did not.  I've wished I could moderate at all times, but I cannot.  I know this, and he knows this too.  When he told me to have a glass of wine, I almost craved in, but instead, I welled up with tears and told him, "This is very hard for me.  I don't want to be here."  So he said, "let's go into the other section, get away from the bar and have lunch."  Him saying that, realizing my agony, gave me a burst of strength.  I decided I could stay there, eat my lunch and be okay.  And I did.

We came home and the rest of the day was fine.  I was okay.  I did not drink.

I got up very early this morning (the best perk of not drinking), cleaned out the refrigerador, finished two loads of laundry and played a few rounds of Candy Crush.  Very productive morning.  However, a surprised happened to me, I started my period!  I've been going through the change and my last period had been a few months back.  It may explain why I was so sad yesterday, but I think this is a sign.  A good sign.  I'm saying goodbye to my old self.  I'm moving into a better place.  I am.

No one said it was going to be easy, but nothing ever is that's worth it...right?

p.s. 28 years ago, my beautiful daughter was born; Happy Birthday to my mija!

26 Days

Last year I went 37 days straight, when I drank on Super Bowl Sunday, February 7, 2016.  This time around, I'm stronger and I can do this!  I wrote this in my journal January 2016:

Discipline is absolutely vital when it comes to making changes in your life.  Discipline simply means that you stick with a positive routine even when there are temptations to do something else. You stick with it even when the rewards seem small today, because you know the rewards will be big tomorrow.  Discipline means you stick with it even when it is the last thing in the world you want to do.

I wrote this in my journal February 8, 2016:

"I fell down and drank yesterday.  Way too much!  Three glasses of wine, two beers and three shots of whiskey!  I blacked out.  Why?  I thought I could control it.  I know I can't.  I'm not going to beat myself up.  I will do it this time.  I WILL.  Moderation is truly impossible for ME.  Lesson learned."

I'm not going backwards this time.  I'm NOT.

Weekends

Three weekends down, 21 full days alcohol free.  It's summer here and 4th of July is around the corner.  A time to drink for so many.  I'm sort of sad, as there are many BBQs, picnics and firework shows where everyone will be having some sort of adult beverage of the alcohol kind.  I have to remember why I'm not drinking, it was doing me no good.

Here's to my fourth weekend!  May it be a good one.

Why?

In my previous post, I wrote about smoking marijuana.  In a couple comments, I was asked why I wanted to "zone out"?  I used that phrase when I referred to the state of mind I was in after smoking the pot.  The question was a valid one.  So why did I do it?  I'm suppose to be sober.

Definition of Sober (from the Merriam Webster dictionary)

1. a: sparing in the use of food and drink
    b: not addicted to intoxicating drink
    c: not drunk
2. marked by sedate or gravely or earnestly thoughtful character of demeanor
3. unhurried, calm
4. marked by temperance, moderation, or seriousness
5. subdued in tone or color
6. showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice

As such, the main reason I smoked the pot was for the simple pleasure of it.  I was hoping to substitute the feelings I've felt when drinking the first two glasses of wine, beer and/or spirits.  That sweet spot, where everything is so calming and warm.  But it was no substitute at all.  The marijuana did alter my state of mind, and it did help, in the moment, to get over the obsessive self-talk to have a drink, but it did not mimic the feelings of a couple glasses of alcohol. Had it, I probably would have smoked all weekend.

The honest truth, I wish I could alter my state of mind, drink moderately to enjoy the first few drinks and stop.  Some people can do this, but I cannot.  Too much alcohol is a poison, I know this.  In addition to being a poison when used in excess (I do/did) it causes behavioral problems on so many levels (I know this first hand).  Given all of this, it is not remotely worth the negative consequences.

But back to the pot.  It once was my thing, it's not anymore.  And it's not the same as alcohol.  To those who enjoy their weed, well, it seems to be less harmful than alcohol and I'm no one to judge on this front.

So back to basics, one day at a time.

Fraud

Today is the summer solstice, the longest day of the year.  A good day to post a confession.  No, I have not taken a drink since I started this blog.  Still holding steady, however, this past weekend I did smoke marijuana both Saturday and Sunday.

There, I admitted it. 

I haven’t smoked pot, regularly, since during my early-to-mid-twenties.  My first husband and I would smoke pot as our preferred way of a head change.  We didn’t drink much, a couple drinks when going out, but we loved pot!  Every day after work, we’d light up, make dinner and enjoy some television.  Weekends, we indulge through the day, if we had no commitments with family or events.  This went on for about five years, until one day I became paranoid after smoking a joint.  I don’t know why.  Could have been the particular batch of marijuana had something in it, I was stressing during this time (abusive marriage) and/or my brain was just over it.  Whatever it was, my relationship with pot stopped cold turkey.  No looking back, no temptation, just ended.

When I met my second husband a couple years after my first marriage ended, he did ask if I would smoke some marijuana with him.  I told him I couldn’t because of the paranoid feelings, but he got me to try it (new relationship, trying to please the other person) and sure enough, I freaked out.  After just one hit, I stayed in the same spot for about an hour until the stuff wore off.  I told him, “never again”.

So fast forward to now.  My closes family members know I’m writing this blog.  They are all supportive.  So when this past Saturday came around and I was moaning about not drinking, my daughter’s girlfriend offered me some pot.  I told her I get paranoid smoking, but she assured me the pot she had was “designed” to pep one up.  What?  The marijuana I smoked in my 20s, made me high, slowed me down, and made me hungry, but she assured me this pot was different.  Well, given my addictive nature, it wasn’t too hard for her to get me to try it.  Plus, I so wanted to stop thinking about drinking.  So I took two big hits of the stuff from a little pipe.  And I did get a head change.  I didn’t get too perky, but I didn’t get dopey either.  I sort of settled on a mellow feeling.  I sat down to watch a movie and I zoned for an hour or so.  And that was it.  On Sunday, mid-afternoon, I did the same.  One thing I can say, it helped the obsessive thoughts on drinking stop.  But what’s interesting is I didn’t want more.  In fact, I don’t have the urge to smoke again.

However, when I shared my pot smoking episode with my sister, she made a valid comment which stuck me solid in the face.  “All you did was change one mode of head change for another.”  

And she’s right.

I don’t plan to smoke marijuana again, it really doesn’t give me the same kind of feeling that drinking did.  The main point is to be clean and sober.  While I don’t feel like I am on Day 3, I do know I needed to write this down, so I don’t play games with myself.

Day 15

I did it!  Another weekend without drinking!  It's still not easy, but I'm holding strong.

Yesterday was Father's Day, here in the states, and I went to a baseball game.  I'm not a sports person, I went primarily for my husband and to people watch.  It was very hot, and the Angels (the baseball team) were not doing well, so I was a bit bored.  Everyone around me was drinking, I couldn't help fixating on the cold cups of beer and frosty mixed drinks, and they even came to you to order and drop off your drinks!  But I held steady to my cup of ice water.  We left the game early, as the Angels were not winning, and went to Hooters (a restaurant/bar chain) for some chicken wings and beer. Again, I stuck with the ice water.   I told my husband, only because it was Father's Day did I allow myself to be around drinking, but next weekend, it's going to be ALL ABOUT ME!

Newbies!

Today, after work, I felt the same old calling,  A glass of cold beer would be sooo good.  I haven't drank in 10 days, so a beer wouldn't hurt, right?  When I came into the house, I was so sad because here I was again, fighting with myself.  If it were one, even two beers then it would be okay, but who am I kidding?  Myself.  So I went to the computer to check my blog (Thank you Wendy and Michelle for cheering me on!) and read a few other blogs, when I came across Break the Mundane's blog.  She's a few days behind me on this roller coaster of a sober ride.  While I've written short entries, she has shared miles of honest, funny, and real emotions.  I'm right there with her.  I know exactly what she is feeling.

As seems to be the case, when it seems hardest to make it another day, some inspiration finds it way to me.

So I thank you, Mrs. Breaker!  I thank you very much.  Good luck to us (and ALL) on this ride to freedom!!!  

Double Digits

Ten days with no drinking.  I have a quote I found, no name was attached to it, which I read everyday:

"Actually, I just work up one day and decided I didn't want to feel like that anymore, or ever again. So I changed."

This is how I wish I would feel about not drinking.  One day I will.

Rain

I made it through Saturday night!  As many have shared, countless times, weekends are the hardest when first giving up the booze.  It was hard.  Not grueling hard, but difficult to say the least.  I managed to cook a homemade meal, and bake brownies with no wine in my hand while doing so.  My husband, who can drink moderately, felt bad for me, but knows it is necessary for me to stop drinking.  Maybe with time, he won't drink at home, but for now this is my course to steer alone.

This morning I woke early (mornings are the best right now) to the sound of light rain.  I live in Southern California, and we have been in drought mode for years.  But this past six months, we had more rain than anyone can remember and it's done wonders for the terrain!  I took this as a sign. One, it rarely rains in June here.  Two, rain always washes away the grime and leaves everything fresh and shiny.

Maybe this is what is happening to me.  I hope so.

The Power of One

I've been drinking for 20+ years, heavy for most of that time, sad to say.  I have always journaled since my early twenties, and sprinkled through has been stories of my drinking too much here and there.  It wasn't until 2010, that the sprinkles became constant entries into my writing.  Of course it would be the case, my drinking had gotten to the point of stupidity on so many occasions, it just wasn't funny anymore.  In 2012, February 29th, Leap Year, I lost my job after 19 years with the company.  My drinking increased exponentially!  At that time, I went to a few AA meetings, but couldn't get into the spirit of those meetings.  I just didn't feel comfortable, probably because I really wasn't ready to give up alcohol.  I also told my close family and friends of my probably, and they were all supportive, but I still kept the secret from many others.  I still am ashamed about my drinking problem, but I am slowly changing this perspective.   April of 2015, I started a sub-journal, only about my alcohol intake.  I thought if I tracked how much I drank per day, I would shock myself into sobriety.  Didn't work.

Then in November of 2015 I found Mummy was a Secret Drinker blog site.  It was a life-line.  I reached out to her a few times via email and she was so dynamic, supportive and sincere.  Because of her, I bought the Vale book, tried some of her tips, etc. and gave it a go on January 1, 2016 to get sober.  It lasted 40 days until I took that one drink and by June of 2016, I was back to drinking almost every day.

It's taken a year to give this sober ride another shot!  A whole year.  In that time, I have read so many wonderful blogs, have emailed a few of you wonderful, strong women out there in the soberverse, signed up for Belle's 100 Day Challenge, downloaded Wine Bitches materials, etc.  But it wasn't until I recently came across Giving Up Drugs and Alcohol's blog, that I really decided to do this again. You can never know why, the "one thing" kicks in and helps to make a start, a new beginning, but it does.

So I started a blog six days ago.  Just quick entries.  Trying a new tool.  And Giving has commented on most of those baby entries!  Giving has been the "one" to make me cry in gratitude, to make me keep going the "one" more day!  Thank you for giving me "Giving".

Lastly, thank you ALL, everyone of you, for being the "one" to so many others!  What's great about this, is, One turns into Two, turns into Three, turns into....you get it!

I'm well, and I feel ALIVE!

Friday Afternoon

I've just come back from lunch, after a nice walk in the sunshine.  I feel good.  So why do I have to feel like a nice glass of wine or mug of beer would be great just now???  I can get through this feeling, can't I?  I need to hold strong to my belief that I will be sober from now on.

Dinner & H2O

Tonight, my step-daughter and her husband came over for a visit.  They recently married last March, and moved to Texas.  They came out to California for a wedding event this weekend, and made plans to have dinner with us.  A week ago, I would have had wine with dinner and not really eaten, so I could drink.  This would possibly lead to drinking more when I got home.  But I held strong and drank water with dinner.  It wasn't too hard to do because I'm still on this positive course.  Blogging is helping.  Four days without drinking is something I haven't done in a long while.  Here's to H2O!

Wednesday - Hump Day

It's Wednesday afternoon, and I'm about ready to leave work (I know, posting while working, but I consider this my well needed break.) at 4pm.  It's been a couple years now, that I have a work out buddy for Wednesday nights.  He's in his mid-thirties, and keeps me informed with the latest technologies.  My husband, who is 61, thinks he's the best.  Oh, and he's gay, so no worries there!
Anyway, Wednesday are days I rarely, if ever, think about having a drink.  It proves to me changing habits can be done.  Now, I have to figure out what to do with the other six days of the week so I don't drink.  I know it can be accomplished.  Reading all those marvelous blogs from people who are no longer drinking and loving it, proves it.

That's what I want too.

Walking The Cravings Away

The tempting time has passed, almost 8pm here in Southern California and I'll be in bed in another hour.  I go to bed early, as I start work at 7am.  Instead of coming home and opening a beer, or having a glass of wine and/or a shot of vodka (as you can see, I'm not selective), I walked to my gym, went into the sauna, and walked back home.  This took about two hours to complete.  It stopped me from drinking today, a good thing.  A very good thing.

Catch a Buzz

At 5:35 p.m. my husband came home from work and said, don't start dinner yet, I need to get a buzz!  Damn, this is the hard part.  He doesn't have the same problem I have, he can have 2 or 3 beers and stop.  I won't drink tonight, as last night I over did it and don't feel like drinking at all, for now.

New Beginnings

Today I stayed home from work, because I decided to drink last night and watch movies until late.  I knew when I decided to miss work, I would over drink.  Six beers and two shots of vodka, I cannot keep doing this to myself.  So, I'm going to blog about my efforts to quit alcohol for good, once and for all, this time for sure, NO MORE!