Thanksgiving

I'm thankful for being alive, well, and happy.

I'm haven't been alcohol free since my last post, but I've been back on track, drinking way less and not in excess.  Small steps, but steps in the right direction.

May all of you who celebrate the USA holiday, be well, content and at peace.

I am.

Signs

Well, I'm getting there, since my last post, I have drank some beer, not much.  As SamK wrote, just pick a day and start again.  I thought that day was Sunday, November 4th.  I wanted to be fresh for my 22nd wedding anniversary, on November 9th.  All my plans to "not" drink were in order, then my mother-in-law broke her other hip on Monday, November 5th.  As my husband is her only child, he's always running to help her in these situation.  In the last 8 years, she has broken her back, left wrist, right foot, right hip (which she broke in June of this year), stent and pace maker implant, and now her left hip brake.  She lives 2 1/2 hours from us, and it's hard to commute back and forth, but we do it.  The relationship with his mom is a tough one, a whole story in itself, but needless to say, it flows over to us.  However, this time, we were both in sync.  As she broke her hip before, we knew what to expect and how to handle.  So after a few days with her, we were on our way back home.  She lives in Palm Springs, and we were driving on the 10 freeway hoping to beat the work home traffic, when I saw a billboard with the message, "Sobriety is the Priority".  It was a sign from my higher power, God saying, don't let this situation be an excuse to wait to start again.

May the sings continue to show up!!

Struggling

I have not gotten back on track with NOT drinking.

I am struggling. 

I haven't given up wanting to be sober.  I've just been in denial thinking drinking here and there is fine.  It's not.  I have fallen back to old habits which are self-destructive. 

It's time to TRY again.  I did so well the first half of this year, and it was good.  I know it can be good again.

“Some of the most beautiful things we have in life comes from our mistakes.” 
― Surgeo Bell

Good, better than Bad, but not Great

Odd title for this blog post today, I know, but that's about how I feel at the moment.  It's about how I've felt since coming back from visiting my daughter in Germany.  A little melancholy, lonely, unfilled, blah.  I don't write often on the drama going on in my life here in this blog, because I wanted to keep the focus on my sober journey.  But life happens, with its ups and downs, and it contributes to my efforts of staying sober.  I'm not drinking to excess at all, but I have had a few beers here and there.  I did drink wine once, three glasses and I felt bad.  I didn't get drunk, nor do anything stupid or ugly, but as wine was (is) my worse enemy, I let myself down by drinking it.  Even my husband, who I've written about being less than enthusiastic about this journey I'm on, said I worked so hard to get away from the wine, that why do it now?  He thinks the beer drinking here and there is fine, because it doesn't affect me the same way a bottle of wine does, that's another story in itself, but he's right about the wine, why bother?  I realize I'm writing this because it could tip me to start drinking more and more, when what I want to do was stop.  There's a little more than 100 days left in the year.  I want to finish the year off with no drinking, then I'll worry about 2019. 

It's time to readjust my mind set and move forward once again!  Wish me luck.

56

Recently returned from my vacation in Germany and I feel great!  My daughter married a man in the British army, and he's stationed in Gutersloh, Germany.  Beautiful place.  I hadn't seen my daughter since November last year.  I enjoyed all that we did together, traveling to Hamburg, Kolin, Frankfurt, and Holland.  I turned 56 during this trip and I'm planning for this year in my life to be even better than my 55th year!

Did I drink on this trip?  Yes.  But not to excess, nor every day.  I'm going to finish this month with little drinking, if any.  September I plan to not drink at all.  In fact, seeing Groundhog Girl, Ginger, back blogging, has inspired me to step up my game.  If I don't drink the rest of the year, it will be something!

Welcome back Ginger.  I missed you.

190

I have 190 days alcohol free this year!  I meant to never drink again, and that may be the case further down the road, but for now, I'm content, at peace, and at a better place then I was two years ago.  I won't pretend I've conquered the addition of alcohol, because there have been times, where the switch "turns on" and there no stopping the next drink.  Knowing this keeps me on my toes.  At times, I sometimes think of myself as a failure, because I have drank this year, but I'm in control of my thoughts.  I'm not a failure, I'm a work in progress!  And yes, less is more!!

Doing Well

July has been so HOT here in southern California.  Our air conditioning broke two days ago, and here I sit waiting for the technician to finish installing a whole new system, a multi thousand dollar job.  But you know what, it's all good.  I have an emergency fund for things like this, I've prepared.  Of course I wish I didn't have to spend money on this kind of stuff, but life happens. I'm lucky, really, because I will have nice cool air soon.  I can't wait.

So on the drinking front, I have to say, I've enjoyed beer this month.  I don't feel bad about it, as I haven't drank to numb or chase things away from my life.  It's just been so good, a few cold beers, well a couple times I drank 5 beers, but through out an afternoon and evening.  It been six times I've drank this month, and I may drink one more time this month, as the our local, chili cook-off is this weekend.  Will I go back to daily drinking, wine being the beast it's been to me?  I don't think so.  My mind set is different, I'm content, grateful, appreciative and at peace with myself.  I know this may backfire on me, and I'm taking a chance going backwards, I am taking a big risk, but I am happy.

I have this blog to keep me on my toes, only for myself.  Staying honest about this whole journey is important.  I was in such a ugly, bad place three years ago, when I first came across the blog world, looking for help.  Now, I feel so much better where I am at, I don't want to go back to where I was three years ago.

So, I shall keep trying, less drinking days next month for sure.

165 Days

As of today, I have one hundred and sixty five days alcohol free this year!  I started this blog last year to stop drinking 100%.  I haven't managed that, yet.  What I have managed to do is move in the right direction and I'm proud of myself for doing so.  The few times this year when I got drunk (not every time I drank this year did I get drunk, I actually had times where it was one drink, two) I hated myself and felt such shame and guilt.  It wasn't worth it, but like a stubborn child, I wanted my "candy".

The times I over did it, were always at home, when I felt I deserved time to let go.  Thinking like that always led to too much.  Always.  What were the triggers?  Doesn't matter.  What matters is I know what's to follow when I drink, especially when I am at home. What matters is to not drink.

It's getting better.  I'm feeling better.

For those of you who want to know the math, as of today there have been 180 days this year, so I've drank 15 times, five of which were over-the-top too much.  Live and Learn.

Too all my American bloggers, Happy Fourth of July!  Let Freedom Ring!!

150

I've made 150 (actually 151) alcohol free days this year.  The goal was to be 100%.  It didn't happen, but that's okay.  I'm making great progress and that's all I'm focusing on for the moment.  It's getting easier, I don't think about drinking all the time.  I don't fight cravings everyday.  I don't feel sorry for myself, that I don't drink (much). 

I'm moving forward and that's all that matters to me.

Weekends are still Triggers

I'm doing well.  I haven't drank, nor do I really want to, but...

Weekends are hardest to let go of the "fantasy of drinking for fun."  I always drank on the weekends, but summer weekends where the best.  Longer days, more time to go out and about, stop at favorite watering holes, hanging out with friends, the memories are good.  But I have to remember, they are only, that, memories.

The last few years of drinking were not about drinking only on the weekends.  I drank at home, with my husband, but I would drink more than him, always.  It got to the point where I drank until I passed out.  I never wanted to go out on weekend nights.  I only wanted to get my fix of alcohol, sit in front of the T.V. and drink the night away.  My husband didn't like this, but he couldn't do anything about it.  It was the way it was, selfish of me I know.

Now, we do more activities outside the home on weekends.  I don't mind staying out late, doing whatever we choose to do that day.  It's a change for the better.

It's just a passing urge, to think I could go back to drinking a cold beer on a nice sunny day.  It's not hard today, to say no to a beer.  For that I am grateful.

Reflections on One Year of Blogging

One year ago I started this blog.  In a way, it seems so long ago.  I started this blog for all the same/similar reasons most of us do, to stop drinking.  To stop the madness and despair drinking had come to be in my life.  In the past year, I've written my story of how I got here, what my behavior had been during the downhill slide to drinking too much, relationships with some of my closes family members regarding my drinking, etc., and my struggles to stay sober.  Reading back over the year, I can say I've grown.  I have not gone alcohol free in the past year, but since the start of 2018, I've done really well.  Only drank 11 days, for which I'm not proud, nor to I condone to be the right thing to have done, but it's a damn good stretch for me!  I have a ways to go, to keep pushing myself in the right direction, to never want to drink again.  I am getting there.

The second half of the year, can I do it, can I hold strong and not slip up, can I?  The answer should be YES, the answer can be YES, but will I do it?  I feel stronger.  I've stepped up using more sober tools to help me (current one is holding on to DoneWithMyWineHabit's virtual hand).  But the most important shift has been my mindset.  I've slipped, but I've gotten up and brushed myself off and realized what the secret is to win over this battle of mine.

"The secret of change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old but on building the new." - Socrates

It's been hard, it's been a challenge, it's not been easy, but here's to my continued construction of life without alcohol!

For all of you out there, hang on, keep trying, never give up; life is better sober.  Don't beat yourself up if you don't quit on your first try, love the fact you want to quit.  Focus on the new!

Memorial Weekend

Sunday morning and all is quiet and peaceful.  I slept pretty well, but at one point woke up at 12:30am (I had went to bed at 8:30pm) and decided to clean out a junk drawer.  Completed that task and went back to bed and fell asleep.  Mission accomplished.

This has been a good month, even though I gave in and drank.  I'm not angry or ashamed at myself.  I am disappointed I broke my long streak, but I cannot say I'm unhappy about it all.  Let me share.

My last blog was about going to visit my mother-in-law.  All and all it wasn't as difficult as it could have been, given past episodes, so why I decided to have a glass of beer with dinner on Saturday night I can't explain other than to say I wanted to.  The next morning, we took my mother-in-law out for breakfast, and there was a long, long wait for a table.  While waiting, a waiter came out and offered what I thought was orange juice, turned out to be a mimosa.  I ended up drinking it during our wait for a table and during our breakfast.  Which means I sipped it for more than an hour.  That was the extent of my drinking for Mother's Day weekend.

The following Wednesday my husband and me went to San Francisco for a mini trip.  We stayed four nights and flew out early Sunday morning.  We had a great time but I did drink the four days straight we were there.  It wasn't planned.  I drank during happy hours primarily.  First day, 4 glasses of champagne; second day, four glasses of beer; third day too much, three beers at the pub, glass of wine at dinner and two beers back at the hotel.  When I opened the second beer at the hotel, my husband pointed out I was over doing it.  I was, and I knew this was bound to happen.  Of course I knew it, I have a problem with alcohol.  Just because I haven't drank in such a long time, doesn't mean I'm a normal drinker.  There was more beer to drink in our room, but somehow I didn't continue drinking.  Needless to say, I did have a hangover the following morning (I did get up at 4:30 am to watch some of the royal wedding, until my husband asked me to turn off my cell phone), but it wasn't one where I was sick to the gills.  Saturday ended up a good day, as we rode the local transportation all over the city, saw different neighboorhoods and places.  I did have three beers that afternoon and dinner shortly after, back to the room and in bed by 9pm, as we had to get up at 4am the next morning.  All in all a good trip.  And for me, drinking didn't interrupt or take away from the trip.  Well, except for feeling somewhat rough Saturday morning.  But I won't say it ruined the trip.  So what does it all mean for me, giving in to drinking this time?  That I'm a failure?  I'm less than? There's something wrong with me?

I'm human.  I make mistakes.  I fail at times.  Yes, I know drinking isn't something I do well.  Yes, I know it's something I don't need in my life.  Yes, not drinking is the right thing for me to do.  This is my journey, I'm am not condoning what I did is right for others.  But I won't beat myself up because I don't feel like I should.  I don't feel guilty. 

I haven't drank since I got back.  I haven't felt the urge to. I don't plan to. I don't want to.

Today is day 147 of the year.  I've not drank 137 of them.  Something I'm very proud of accomplishing.  I haven't thrown in the towel.  I believe in me.

Happy Memorial Weekend to All!

Mother's Day Weekend

It's early Saturday morning and I need to get ready to go visit my mother-in-law for the weekend.  She's lives a couple hours away from me.  My husband is her only child.  We don't see her often, but given it's Mother's Day, we try to make a point of seeing her on this day, at the sacrifice of seeing my mother (but my mom is understanding about it).

Being around my mother-in-law is a trigger point for drinking.  I've always drank around her.  Why, to stifle the annoyance of being around her.  She's a tough cookie.  My husband and her have a love-hate relationship and I've always felt caught in the middle of their "issues".  It's too long of a story to explain the why, etc.  Let just say, I don't fully understand it, as my relationship with my mother is totally different.  Last time we visited her was on her birthday this past January, I did manage not to drink and that was in my early stages of trying to get sober.

While I feel strong about avoiding the "drink" around her, I'm still a bit itchy.  The only thing I can do, is not scratch the itch, right?

Happy Mother's Day to all you lovely mom's out there!

125

Short & Simple

The cravings haven't been too bad at all.  I'm doing well.  I'm sober today.

120

One hundred and twenty days alcohol free!  Sober for almost most of the year!!  While I did have a few days where I did drink, and one of those days very bad, I feel such a sense of achievement I'm here at all.  It's been a challenge.  It hasn't been easy.  I've wanted to give up entirely.  What has kept me going is faith & trust that true contentment, peace and freedom are around the corner.   Many of you wonderful people in this sober-sphere have shared this over and over, it's just has to be true.  There are some, who do differ with this, but the majority say it worth every ounce of effort to get sober for good.

I do believe that, even when I have my worse days of fighting the self-talk to just drink, damn it!

I AM WORTH THE FIGHT!

Goodbye April

Four months of the year gone as of midnight today.

I can't believe I'd made it (almost) alcohol free since January 1st. But I have!

What will May bring?  Hopefully, growing peace and contentment.  I still fight myself at times, wanting to drink, because I want to get drunk.  No other way to put it.  And if all the negative things over drinking gives one, wasn't the case, I'd happily drink away.  But that's not the case. 

So for now, I'm going to focus on how far I've come!  A long way for me, but I know it's only baby time in the scheme of things.  And you know, that's okay for now.

114

I have been sober for 114 days this year!  As I'm going to visit family this weekend, I knew I wouldn't have a chance to blog, so I wanted to jot down a quick entry to say "I am good."

Better than being bad!

The Drinking Husband

Friday night I was going out of my mind watching my husband drink.  I've been trying since 2015 to give up the booze, and it's been hard given my husband and I used to drink ALL the time together.  As I wrote a while back, this was something I enjoyed and never thought twice about, until it became a problem for me in many ways.  My husband doesn't have the same problem as myself, which is to say, he stops after a few.  Although, he's been know to tie one on from time-to-time, he still doesn't have my problem. He's not a meanie when he drinks, he doesn't get all hung over and grouchy, he's just fine about it all. He doesn't feel guilty or ashamed with how he drinks, and he shouldn't.

I'm the one who has the problem with alcohol.  He knows it, but he misses the " good part of" the old drinking me.  The one who'd go out to have a few drinks at a cool bar, the one who'd have a beer at the baseball game or BBQ, the one who....but somewhere along the way, I become the one who drank too much, every day at home by myself, and never wanted to go out when I did.  And this caused problems for us.  He didn't like the "bad" drinker, he wanted his old buddy back.  I couldn't get her back.  I tried. But I always went back to the "bad" drinker.  He tries his best not to drink often in front of me.  He's changed his routine about drinking at home Friday and Saturday nights.  He's up for us going out to dinner with our friends who "don't" drink.  He is trying to support me, but at times, when I'm having a hard time, he has said "have a beer."  I've told him not say this to me.  I've told him it won't be just one, it will be more.  In fact, when I got drunk last month, it was because of letting my guard down in just such a situation.  And my husband told me it was okay!!  Everyone needs to let their hair down once in awhile.  Yes, if it happens once in a while, great, but for me, it was happening more times than I care to admit.  I don't want to go back to all that.

He's a good husband.  I love him.  But, I'm in a place where I don't drink, and my husband does. 

Right now, it's not easy for me or him. 

Life isn't fair, I know, but really?

Okay, I just have to type this real fast before I explode!

I'm sitting here, watching my husband drink away, okay, drinking a few beers, and it's just bugging the heck out of me.  He knows it's still hard for me at times, but his comment, "just have a beer"! 
I love him, but he's stupid at times, and this is one of them.  He knows better, so this is infuriating to me!  I wish it didn't bug me, but it does. 

Thank God I ate dinner earlier and I am very full, because if I was on an empty stomach, I know it would be hard to pass up the beer.

How do others who have spouses/partners who drink cope?  Because I'm not finding it any easier as time goes by...and I can't make my husband not drink, it isn't fair to him, but it isn't fair for me either.

ARRGGHHHH!!!

There, I just had to get this out. 

Holding Steady

I am doing well.  I'm not thinking of drinking everyday.  I'm moving along, making new routines not centered around drinking.  Life isn't perfect, but it's good.  The weather has been odd, a few hot days, then cool and windy, still a bit chilly at nights, but the longer daylight hours help my mood tremendously.

I keep reading early days of many bloggers, to keep myself focused.  I am not out of the woods by any means, but I can see through the trees, and that's progress in my book.

Happy Tuesday!

100

Made it!

100 days sober.

I am grateful.  I feel a sense of accomplishment. I am happy. 

I am not cured.  I am still not out of the words.  I am still fighting myself at times about being sober for life.

But, I made 100 days sober!!

For now, I'm in a very good place.

For now, I know I won't drink today.

For now, all is good.

I sometimes can't believe I'm doing this...

This is the longest I've gone without alcohol since my late 20's (I didn't drink much during this decade of my life, but there where other "things"...).

I can and can't believe it.

Do I still miss drinking?  Yes.
Do I want to drink? No and Yes.
Do I know I'm WAY better off never drinking again? Yes.
Has my life been better these past three months? Yes.

Why? So many reasons why, of which ALL have been written about by many bloggers.  No need to repeat them all.  But still, I'm holding back, wondering if I can go the distance.  I want to.

But can I do this?  I wish I could say 100% yes, but I still struggle with the self talk.
So can I do this? Yes.
Do I want to do this? Yes.
Will I do this?  That's the million dollar question.

One day at a time.

95

Sunday afternoon; most errands and chores done for the day, and hubby ready for bed in a few minutes (he works nights), and the rest of the day is mine.  I do go to bed early, 8:30pm, so I have about five hours to do NOTHING!

Nothing wrong with that. 

95 sober days this year, it's taken a very long time and hard mind power to get to this point. 

100 days around the corner.

Better Than Okay

Friday morning. 

A week ago I fell of the wagon. 

It was a good "slap in the face."  I had been itchy for a couple weeks there, grumpy, testy, cranky, irritable, etc. And drinking didn't solve anything, except get me off the pitty party I was throwing for myself.  I didn't even have a good time with the "first" one or two drinks, which usually gave me a lift.  There was nothing good about it AT ALL. I still don't feel like sharing what happened and why, not sure if I ever will on this blog (but my personal journal has the whole story so I don't forget the good, bad and ugly.  Oh wait, there was no good). 

I'm back on track, on the wagon, ready for the weekend. 

And I'm better than okay, today.

90

90 days with no alcohol this year.  Not consecutively, but damn close.

After last Friday, I feel strong with my conviction not to give in again. 

I do.

Easter Sunday

I was raised Catholic, but not in the strict sense.  As my mother and father divorced just before my 6th birthday, my mother fell away from the traditions of the Catholic church.  So my exposure to the faith become more perfunctory.  I do believe in Jesus Christ, he was very central to my understanding of what the religion was all about, however, as I've aged, I have opened my mind to other religions and ways of understanding our connection to the universe.  But I digress.

Today being Easter Sunday, I realized, I can start again. The meaning of Easter is Jesus Christ's victory over death.  I do not expect or feel that everyone has to believe this but I do.  And it made me feel comfort, because I can still have victory over my fight with alcohol.

I fell on Friday (Good Friday for those who follow the teachings of Christianity).  I've wallowed in self-flagrant thoughts about myself.  What's wrong with me?  Why did I do something bad for me?  It doesn't matter why, really.  What matters is don't throw everything away.  Keep strong.  Keep going.

Today, I'm starting my victory over my mind's self-talk about alcohol.  I lost a battle, I have not lost the war.  As of today, 90 full days are down for the year.  I've drank twice.  88 days sober is something to still be proud of.

To those who celebrate Easter, Happy Easter to you.  To those who don't, Happy Sunday to you.

I Gave In...Heavy Heart Today

No sugar coating it, I got drunk last night.

I didn't want to write this today.
But I knew I should, because I don't want to play games in my head about it.
I couldn't fight the self-talk.
There's a story, but I'm not ready to share details.

I don't want to drink today.

I'm tremendously disappointed in myself.

And I'm sad I let those who have cheered me on, down.

85

I've made it!  85 days not drinking.  This is the longest I've gone without drinking since my late 20's!  It's taken hard work, but it can be done and it's worth it.  I'm no where near "cured" and what I mean by that is, I still have desires and longings for drinking.  I wish this wasn't the case, but it's the truth.  I'm not sad, angry or mad about giving up drinking (well, for today), because it wasn't doing me any good.  I'm better off, no doubt.  I haven't had a hangover, blackout, slip up, nor meanie me taking over my body since I've stopped.  And there are many other benefits as well, better health, better sleep, saving money, just to name a few...however, one "not so good" thing has come from stopping drinking.  I EAT TOO MUCH.  I've gained 4 pounds.  At this rate, I'll be rolling down the streets if I don't watch it!

Oh well, I'll deal with my eating issues later, there's just so much one can do, right?

But I've made it pass 85 days, and that's something to be proud of!!!

Where's the motivation?

Sixty days in, back at the beginning of March, I wrote about this month being "motivational".  I wanted to do different things, incorporate new ideas, try stuff out of my normal routine, etc.  Well, I haven't managed much of anything it seems.  I keep my home up (not like typical) with the minimal amount of effort; I eat out too often because I don't want to cook; I go to work; I mostly read or play Candy Crush on the computer; and I try "not" to be a bit@h to my husband.  I feel in limbo.

I know it's not the end of the world, but I'm disppointed in myself.  I shouldn't be, but I am.

Feelings change, so maybe "motivational" March was really meant to be "mundane".  Which is okay.  Tomorrow is another day.  And who knows, April can be so many things.

The good thing, I'm still sober.

80

A rainy day. 
I like it. 

A good day.
I feel great.

A non drinking day.
I am lucky.

How is your day?

Spring

The first day of Spring.  Southern California is sunny more times than not, especially by this time of the year, but wouldn't you know it, we are to have our biggest rain storm, of the year, in the next day or so.  We need the rain, so it's really a blessing, but the darker days haven't been good for my mood.  This year just isn't going the way I envisioned.

I started the year off with a great attitude about giving up drinking once and for all!  The first 40 days or so it was pretty easy, but as time has gone by I've lost the enthusiasm.  Why?  It doesn't really matter the why, it's just the case.  I knew it was going to get tough at times, but I thought I'd have a better attitude about it all.  Good old attitude.

Today, I told myself to just let it all go.  Let the new "seeds" of gratitude, contentment and joy set in to grow.  I'm lucky in so many ways.  I have my health, food and shelter; I have people who care and love me; I have enough money to take care of my family; I have a decent paying job; I have more than enough in my life to be thankful for, so just be appreciative.

As many have shared, I'm worth it to be happy, if I just let the agony of drinking go.

Today is the first day of Spring, a new day to start fresh.

I feel like I'm going to give in any minute...

Day 75

I'm just so fed up with trying "not" to drink!  I know I should not drink, for all of the million, bilzillion reasons I've and many other have written about!  But I want to have a few glasses or cups or bottles of some kind of alcohol.  I want to feel the slow burn down my throat, the finger like wisps creep up my blood stream and my brain turn slowly mellow.  The first two drinks will do this, I know, but then, then it's all bets off, because if two drinks are good, well three, four, five will be even better.  I will only get drunk, act mean, eat too much, black out and wake up tomorrow regretting the whole thing.  And yet, I'm constantly fighting myself about all this!

How will I ever know what the other side of 100 days could be like, if I give up now?  Stay strong they say, but right now I feel like the biggest loser.  Every second is agony in my mind, fighting the urges.  I've read blogs, I've called up my support people, I'm blogging right now, and I'm still want to drink.  Given all the tools and help, it's ultimately ME who has to say NO!  I never knew fighting myself about something so very important could be so, so very hard. But it is hard.

I also know PAWS is at play here, many have gone through this, but why can't I seem to go with the flow of it all!  I'm just so angry at myself!!

It's 6:12pm, and I'm going to scream, then cry, then pray I can make it through the night. 

Tomorrow morning can't get here fast enough.

Weary

Spring is almost here and I can't wait.  10+ days, I've been so out of it; really weary, drained, tired...

I keep holding on for the second upswing to come.  When I first started dry January, my spirits were high.  I felt great.  I knew I was doing a wonderful thing for myself.  I still am, but at this time, I'm so out of it!  I'm not depressed, I just seem to have no energy.  I'm getting enough sleep, I'm eating well, but more sugar than usual, but alcohol has a lot of sugar, so I don't think it's that.  I'm exercising during my lunch hour, and trying to do a bit at home in the mornings, so I don't get it.

So much for motivational March. 

But I'm still not drinking!  So it's all good.

Happy Pi Day!

70

I did it!

I passed my longest stretch of 68 days since starting this climb. 

Thanks to all those who said I could do this and cheered me on!  I have a ways to go before...well, let's just say the upward climb is still a challenge, but where I'm at, it looks good to look back to where I started.

Suffering

"We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret.  The difference is the pain of discipline weighs ounces while the pain of regret weighs tons." -- Jim Rohn

When I came across this quote, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  For the moment, while I'm in my baby steps of getting sober once and for all, I am suffering.  But for a worthwhile cause, for a goal so important, it's worth the pain, agony, tears and sweat.  The reality is the suffering is something I CAN go through BECAUSE the "pain of regret" is too much to bear.

I'm tired of all the regrets associated with drinking alcohol to the extreme.  If I must suffer for awhile, to get to the other side of this path I'm on, it's worth every ounce to get there!  I don't want tons of regret in my life.

And as so many have shared, the beauty on the other side is worth it all. 

Sometimes I Feel Like a Fraud

It's Saturday early afternoon, on a cold and wet day in Southern California.  We need the rain.  It doesn't rain here enough, so any rain we get is a blessing. 

I woke up very early, went out for breakfast with my husband and came home to clean house as he left for a dental appointment.  When he got back at 11 a.m., we went for our weekend run, which includes grocery shopping, odd and end stops, and gassing up the vehicle.  Given the weather, we've decided to stay in this evening and enjoy our fireplace.

The fire is going, my husband is watching golf drinking beer.  I'm drinking a Beck's alcohol free beer, it taste good, but it's not really satisfying.  I want a glass of wine.  So I thought, let me go on the computer and check my blog, as comments really help me get through these wavering moments.  When I reply back, I feel positive.  I like sharing my feelings about all this, but a part of me feels like a big fat fraud. 

Why? I don't believe I'll make it.  The longer I go without alcohol, the more I think I can control it.  Really, it's more I "want" to think I can control it.  How screwed up is that?  One of the factors behind this thought process, is after my last 68 day run, which ended mid-August, I did decently with moderating my drinking for the rest of the year.  However, there where five times where I drank to the point of no return, two times blacking out.  Just writing this makes me cringe.  They weren't all at the end, meaning in December, but the last two times were at Christmas parties.  And of course, each time, I hated myself for tripping up.  Given what I just wrote, how could I even think to drink again??  But I can, and that scares me most of all.

From all I've read on various blogs, 100 days marks a point where my mind should not think so much about failing.  I'm determine to get there.  Maybe when I hit 70 days, I'll feel less of a fraud.  I hope so.

12,775!

I just left a comment over at http://mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.com/ Mummy was a Secret Drinker's blog.  Great advice for people who are on their second month of giving up the booze.  She writes about making an inspirational vision board.  Go read what she has to say, it's interesting.  And so I'm going to give it a whirl.  One of the things I plan to put on it is the numbers 100, 1000 and 12,775. 

Wouldn't that be fantastic to make it straight through to 12,775 days without drinking!  Maybe I should actually put 16,425 instead.  100 years old sounds possible these days, right?

Happy Friday Everyone!

65

I've made it to 65 days with no alcohol, again, been here before. 

As I've written here many times before, I'm looking forward to 70 days, as that will be my new all time record of consecutive days not drinking!

The past few days have been pretty good ones in terms of not fixating on drinking.  Actually, I've gotten to a place where drinking during the week isn't something I miss too much.  It's the weekends which are still a challenge to get through, but I'm staying focused.

Wine Bitch wrote a blog on the 7 triggers for wanting to drink.  The main trigger for me, at this point, is boredom.  There's no reason to be bored, as I love to read;  I like making little crafts;  I enjoy talking with people; I like to go out and about, thrift shop, etc.  And yet, I find myself thinking I'm bored and a alcohol head change would be enjoyable.  Honestly to a point it would be, for me. 

BUT, it never stays on a enjoyable, healthy level.  It hasn't in a long, long time.  Sure, occasionally it did, but I always manage to cross the point eventually.  Then, it just went down hill from there.  This is what I keep reminding myself, over and over and over and over....

Anyway, I'm okay, because I'm not drinking.

Today, I need to go do something new and exciting, so I decided to get a bikini wax at the local cosmetology school.  Fifty-five years old isn't too old to start!  LOL!

Temptation

"The temptation to quit will be greatest, just before you are about to succeed."

I don't know the author of this quote. 
It's a very good one.
It's something I'm holding onto right now.

60

Sixty days no alcohol!

Been here before, so I'm still a little shaky on the long term goal, which is to not drink alcohol every again.  However, I'm not focusing on "forever" right now.  My next mini goal is to get to 70 days, as 68 days was my longest stretch not drinking since "who knows when"...anyway, I feel confident I'll get there.

Two months down, March upon us, and I want to focus on other things.  I've really have laid very low with life.  Not much visiting, going out and about, or keeping my house in order, but that's okay.  I needed to focus on just not drinking.  Now it's time to motivate myself to move forward into new territories; do something new or different everyday.  Whether walk a different path on my lunch time break, eat somewhere new, paint my husbands toes, whatever it may be, I want to live a exciting life now that I'm a little better.

Motivational March it is!!!

Connection

I've been having a couple weeks now, where it's been harder than usual to not give up.  I know being alcohol free is the right thing for me.  I know it.  But, it doesn't stop the cravings and desires from working their way into my brain.  I've been using the various "tools" I've learned to work through these times.  One of the tools I use, is listening to Ted Talks about addiction, etc. 

Johann Hari, spoke on addition, with the tag line, "Everything you think you (almost) know about addiction is wrong."  The talk was very good, he went into various studies he's read and interviews he's done to come to the conclusion, "the opposite of addiction isn't sobriety, it's connection."   This really hit home for me, as a group of you lovely women, out there, have came to my rescue.  The connection you've made with me, on this blog, to support me, cheer me on and let me know I'm okay is working it's magic.  I know it's why this sober blogging helps so much, because everyone CARES.  Even when one trips up, the general attitude is to welcome them back, to tell them to keep trying no matter how many times one falls.  The goal is to help each other get better.  Addiction isn't the person, the person is So Much More than their addiction.  I'm so much more than the lady who has drank too much, too many times, for too long. 

Time to spread the love.

What Can I Say...

Thank you ladies, for commenting with your support to keep strong, keep going, and don't give up!  This time around, it means more to me than ever to have the input. 

Freedom February hasn't been as easy as Dry January.  From all I've read, it's makes sense why, novelty is gone, my mind says since I've gone so long without, I don't have a problem, etc.  I can't let those thoughts get in my way.  I want to be free from alcohol, once and for all.  I want a better me.  I need to do the hard work now, for that better me to come about, and I'm doing all I can to see this through. 

Even if I scream, cry, shout and yell along the way, I say, "YES" I can do this!!! 

I know there will be days like this...

It's Friday night, 5pm.  Today was a very productive day.  My daughter video called me from Germany and we had a great talk.  She just got a cute little wiener dog, a female she named Stevie.  I also had a great talk with my mom today as well.  My husband came home in a great mood.  All is well, except I want to drink tonight.  Just a few glasses of wine.  I just do.  I wish I didn't feel this way, but I do.  I know it's not good for me, and yet...it's hard tonight and I don't know why.

I know it's the addiction calling (the wine witch) and it's taking all I can do at the moment not to give in.  I want to be better.

Update, 6:31pm, the cravings have subsided.  I ate half of a thin crust pepperoni pizza.  Also had one piece of caramel chocolate and will make a cup of hot chocolate in a bit.  I'm going to take a hot shower and get in my pj's and read.  I didn't realize how hungry I was, and my old behavior would be to drink on an empty stomach, so the alcohol could get in my blood stream faster.  To hell with the calories right now!  I didn't drink. 

50

50 days without any alcohol.  I've been here before, I know it's not even close to being safe, yet.  My longest stretch not drinking, since starting this blog last June, was 68 days.  My new goal is to get to 70.

I can and will beat my 68 day run.  I can't give up now.

 

I did it!!

I did not drink on my trip!  There were a few moments, a few tempting situations, in which I fought with my inner-self about having a drink, but I held strong.  My step-daughter and husband were supportive and did not drink much at all.  Even my husband, who loves to have a few drinks when we are out and about sight seeing, kept it to a couple beers.  Except for those few moments, I didn't agonize through the trip about drinking.  I'm hopeful.  I know I can stay sober for the rest of the month.  Freedom February is almost over.

I'll worry about next month, next month. 

45

Forty-six days in this year so far, and I've been sober for all of them; however, I did have one glass of wine last Saturday night, so I can't say I've been alcohol free the entire time.  So be it, a bump in the road.  Progress is being made, day by day.

Off to a long weekend in Texas to visit my step-daughter and her husband.

Finding Your Own Path

I didn't drink much as a teenager.  Nor did I drink much during my 20s.  However, I did smoke pot in my 20s until one day I just became paranoid and stopped.  I did cocaine recreationally for three years, after the pot (after my daughter was born, how sad is that), but stopped because once again I became paranoid on that!  This was all by the time I was 31 years old.  I did try a few times smoking pot, in the last two decades, but it wasn't the "high/relief/feelings" I was looking for which thankfully stopped me in bothering to try again.  But what I did come to love was drinking alcohol.

While I did partake in the first two substances I mentioned above, I never felt shame or guild for doing so.  I knew they were illegal substances, but they didn't interfere with my life like alcohol.  I only smoked pot in the evenings, to wind down.  I didn't smoke all day.  I didn't get hangovers from it.  The only bad side effect I got was eating too much at times.  The cocaine was only consumed on weekends and not a hair raising amount, but towards the end of this period in my life, alcohol became part of the ritual of coming down off a few lines of coke (sorry, this sound so very awful about me, but I want to be honest here).  After first it was just a couple beers, then it turned into four beers, and well....All this was my lifestyle with my first husband.

We were very young when we met and married.  That period of my life is a whole story in itself.  We ended up separating when I was 31 years old.  I had my young daughter, three at the time and I knew I had to get my head straight.  Thankfully I wasn't doing any drugs and not drinking too much then.  But as the months passed by, her father not part of the picture, trying to make new job work, not letting my mother/family know I was afraid and lonely, I turned to drinking on Friday nights by myself.  I remember buying a six pack on Friday night, knowing it would last me all weekend!  And it did for a while, but by the end of that first year, it was 4 or 5 beers on Friday and Saturday night.  I came across a journal entry, just before I met my current husband, where I wrote about drinking too much, being an alcoholic, etc.  This was December of 1994.  Then I met my husband now, January 1995.

He was raising two young children on his own, a boy and girl younger than my daughter.  Our relationship was fast and furious, we moved in together after six months, married a year later.  My drinking no longer seemed an issue.  I was in love, I had a whole new family, three children to raise and best of all, our children were picked up by their other parent every other weekend (having both one's parents is best, but isn't always possible).  Our friends were 8 to 10 years younger than ourselves, and were real party people!  We were always going to BBQs, birthday parties, kid events, etc.  And drinking was a big part of the life!  And yes, I drank too much, and too many times, but I didn't worry about it, nor did I feel guilty, etc.  It was my lifestyle, but as the kids grew up, and time went by (years) I knew I needed to stop drinking.  It became self-destructive, shameful, isolating and embarrassing, so I drank at home, behind close doors, not letting others know I had a big problem.

Fast-forward to now, while I've always journaled, and have written about my drinking, the not-so-good, the bad, and the ugly, it wasn't until April 2015 where I started my true effort to beat this demon.  And I've made great progress.  I wish I'd had quit alcohol 100% since I started, but it's not the case.   What is the case, is I have drank less, and less and have gone weeks without drinking since then.

And here I am.  Starting 2018 on a great path, however, I did trip up last Saturday.  A few days leading up to then, I was fighting, hard, the urges, the whispers of the wine witch, squeezing my brain, saying don't do it, don't do it!!  And I did it.

I drank one glass of red wine.  I have to be truthful, I liked the taste, I enjoyed the warmth which spread over me, my eyes glittered and I stopped and thought, "Is this worth it?"  And it wasn't.  I knew it wasn't worth the joy and freedom I've been experiencing.  I knew it was just a test.  I knew I had the strength and resolve to keep on, and so I told myself it wasn't the end of the world.

I called my daughter and told her about it.  She said mom, think of it as a medicinal tonic, one you needed to drink to feel better to go on with my sober journey.  My daughter always sees the positive, even when things aren't so, but it helped me to feel better.

And you know what, it isn't the end of the world.

Hard At Times

I went to bed at 8pm last night and got up at 8am, 12 hours of sleep.  I've never slept this long before, prior to being sober, on a regular bases, but I've seem to done so many times since I started this sober journey again.  It's par for the course, from other blogs I have read, so I'm not going to worry about it!

Today is a new day.  Today, or least for right now, I feel strong.  I have to clean out our garage, something I promised my husband I would do.  So, after this post, off to that chore.  Anyway, I thought I ask for some advice or good ideas on the subject of travel.

My daughter has moved to Germany, just across the border from Holland.  I'm to go visit in June.  I have never been to Europe.  I would like to visit Prague, my husband wants to visit Italy.  See the issue here?  We are going to be there for about 15 days, and given two days will be to fly in and out of Germany, we really only have 13 days to visit.  The town my daughter lives in, Gutersloh, two hours away from the airport I'm flying into, is small.  A couple days to visit her new in-laws and friends is enough time there.  So the plan is to visit other places.

I am open to any and all suggestions on where to visit, what to see, and doing so on a budget.  My son-in-law can drive us places, but I've read round trip tickets and/or train fares are not too expensive, so I'm open to traveling those ways as well.

I'd love to hear about off-the-beaten path places actually.  I know saying one has been to Paris, London or Rome is chic and all that, but I want to see other things people don't bother to check out.

I don't have many followers here, but I know if you comment about the travel, I know it will be good information. 

Now, I'll worry about drinking on this trip way further down the line.  But maybe by then I won't have to.

Okay, now on to the garage chore....

40

Friday evening, early, not evening 6:30 p.m., and I'm ready to go lay down, read a little and call it a night.  I don't have strong urges to drink tonight, but on my drive home I thought a lot about drinking.  I tell myself, it's a work in process, once I get there (there is where I don't think about drinking at all) it will be worth it, but it's hard. 

I know from all those who have shared, it's worth it. 

Knowing, believing, trusting, having faith...don't give up...day 40 down.

Good night.

Build That Sober Muscle!

SamKD left the comment, "Build that sober muscle" in her reply to my last post.  Well, last night, I really worked hard on that muscle, as I SO WANTED TO DRINK!  I got home to a quiet house.  My husband works evenings now (supposedly a temporary assignment, but it's been a few months now) and with my last daughter moving out last November, it's just me in the evenings.  I've managed the evenings just fine since I've began my sober road again, well, Friday nights are still a bit of a wobble, but manageable, but for some reason last night was BAD!  My self-talk (okay the wine witch) kept saying "just drink a couple glasses", no biggie.  I was leaning so far over-the-edge, I wanted to scream.  It took more than a couple hours to fight the urges, but I did.  With that being said, I'm hoping my sober muscle grew a little more in bulk, because I'm sure going to need it, again and again and again.

One day, the sober muscle will be so strong, it will be a piece of cake to not drink.  For now, I just have to keep working it out.

Thanks Sam for posting that comment, it kept me strong for another day!

35

Today is super bowl and we are getting ready to host a small party.  All the snacks are ready to go, the food will be cooked shortly and the beverages are starting to be drank.  I'm having a Master Brew Kombucha, ginger flavored right now, but I'm eyeing those who are drinking beer and wine.  I so want to have either, it's just calling me....but I know, I know, I can't.  One will lead to two, which is when the wicked witch will wake up and bite me!

I did buy a six pack of Beck's Blue, so in a while I'll open one of those, but I won't pretend, it won't be the same.

Today is day 35, and I want to get to day 36.  I will!

Remember what Wendy wrote about freedom, don't give up, LET FREEDOM RING!

Beginnings and Endings

A new month, which I've named "Freedom February".  I figured it was more inspiring than doing another dry month, so let freedom ring!  So far, strong and steady has been the course.  Super Bowl Sunday is this weekend, and I don't want to trip up like I did in 2016.  I'm 100% sure I won't.

On another note, I'm sadden by the loss of "Giving Up Drugs and Alcohol's" blog.  Michelle was one of the first people to reach out and cheer me on when I started this blog.  I'm hoping she's super strong, positively busy and extremely happy with her sobriety, that she no longer needs to post.  She's on to a new chapter in her life.  In fact, I don't need to hope, I believe she's crossed the finish line and she doing just great!   Take care Michelle; I wish you well. 

30

Been here before, don't want to do this again next January!

Home Stretch!

Dry January is almost done and over with!  As I've shared, I'm in a good place this time with not drinking.  Sure, I've had moments of "what if" and I've missed going to some of the places where drinking is a big part of the scene, but I know I'm not missing anything magical about drinking.  There is a teeny, weenie part of me which stills wishes I could moderate, but I've tried and it hasn't worked out that I can.  With that being said, I look front and center to the next month.

I need different mini goals to get to my first 100 days.  Given I don't want to think of February as dry February, I am going to look at it as FREEDOM February. 

Let's see what kinds of freedoms come my way next month!  I will say, I hope I let a few "free" pounds go, as that's something I would have no trouble letting go of for good!

Happy Monday everyone!!

25

Here holding strong, but I will say, the "what if" is creeping into my mind.  I have to remember, I'm doing this sober journey for a better life.  I do have a good life, in fact, I'm fortunate in many ways, but drinking didn't help my life one bit.  Drinking the way I did, way too much, too many times, didn't get me anything wonderful or fantastic at all. 

Crying Is Okay

When I would be hurt by someone or some situation, my go to defense was anger, especially when I was drinking. I would have given a big argument why we shouldn't do this or that, or whatever, because I was afraid, but not anymore. There's a whole other blog worth of reasons why, but that's not important at the moment.  Now when I'm hurt, I say what I think is the cause, etc.  And sometimes, I cry when I try to explain what I'm feeling when hurt.   I'm realizing it's okay to express vulnerability.  I'm not a loser for doing so...and after yesterday's post, my husband came upon me crying.  He asked what was the problem, so I told him why I didn't want to move, yet.  And he understood.  He agreed it was an impulsive jump on his part and he knows, eventually, the right time to move will come.

So all is well in our household.  Okay, with a little annoyance on my part because of all the footballs games going on right now.  :-)

Happy Sunday everyone!

20

Day 20; 4:11 p.m., Saturday afternoon.

I so what to scream.  Not because I want to drink.  Although, I'm trying not to let my guard down, as I know I could easily cave in at the moment given my dilemma.

My husband wants to sell our home.  He wants to downsize.  Our three children are grown and gone.  He turned 62 years old this month.  I'm 55.  He wants to start a new life, and he wants to retire in two years time.  I have 10 years of work left to go, is how I figure given medical being an important aspect to retirement.  Anyway, we've talked about all kinds of different retirement scenarios and have agreed we want a smaller living space, and no yards to deal with, but I'm not there yet.  Well, today, we stopped at an open house, something we've done many times to get a gauge on what we'd both like in a new place, and found a 2 bedroom condominium that was very nice.  In fact, almost perfect in size and condition.  So my husband told the realtor, "I want to put an offer in" and I balked.  While I really thought the place was great and a good price, I'm not really ready to move from my home of 22 years, yet.  The poor realtor was caught in the middle between me and my husband, because it was an obvious conflict that happened on the spot.  The realtor told us to think about it.  Call her tomorrow, to let her know if we do want to put an offer in to the sellers.

My husband is ready, wants to do so, no hesitations, no second thoughts, just do it now! 

I'm not feeling the same way.  I told him to let me think about it over night. In the morning I'll see if I feel differently, but I know I won't.  I'm not strong enough to deal with selling our home to buy the new place.  Although, really, we could buy the new place without having to sell our home immediately, but finances aside, I'm not ready to let go of the amount of space I have in my home.  Nor am I ready to leave behind all the memories I built up here.  As I'm writing this, I could cry, I am crying.  I don't do things on a split second decision, never have.  I need time to let go of my home.

It took me three years of trying to let go of alcohol.  I need some time to let go of my home.

Weekends

Coming up on my third weekend alcohol free.  It's been easier this time around, mainly because my mind set is different, but there are still some triggers.  I have tools in place to deal with them, but I will confess, sometimes "I still wish" I could moderate.  But I can't, and that's okay.  It's not the end of the world.  In fact, it's the beginning to something wonderful.

Happy Friday!

15

Day 15 - I've been posting the number of days I've not drank, once the day is done and over with, but today I needed an extra boost.  My weekend was a little trying, given my husband having a hard time of trying to support me this time.  Anyway, enough of that, 15 is a good number.  And besides, today is Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday, a great man to remember and look up to.

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." - Martin Luther King Jr.

The Battle

My husband is a great guy.  He's put up with my antics, quirks, over assertiveness, etc., for a long time.  For so many years, he put up with some heavy duty dramas in my alcohol issues/problems.  While there have been plenty of times he was frustrated beyond words, he never gave up on me.  So it's difficult, now I am not drinking (although I've been here a few times in the past 3 years) for him to understand I mean it this time.  He knows it's the right thing for me to do, but he's afraid.  He's worried I'll change, which is true.  What he really means, is I'll change to where I don't want to be with him anymore.  There is some validity in that thought, but I love him enough to believe that won't be the case.  I'm hoping in my example, he'll join me in the sober life, but I'm not expecting him to.  For now, I can't go to bars and/or social events, watching others drink while I twiddle my thumbs.  So I've told him to go alone, with his friends and don't worry about me for now.  What is hard about this, is we've always done everything TOGETHER.  He's one of those husbands who wants me to be with me all the time, do everything together, all the time.  I've never minded this at all. My family and friends all know he part of the package deal when it comes to inviting me to places (of course, I've done the all girl things without him, bachelorette parties, baby showers, etc., but if he could come he would).  My husband is an only child, born in upstate New York, and he has no family here in California, except our three children and his mom.  He does have a few friends outside of work, but he always wants me to be with him when he hangs out with them.  

This being the football playoffs before super bowl, it's all about watching the game and drinking beer.  I can't sit around and be part of this, because I know I'll waiver.  Especially since my husband thinks I can handle a few beers with no problem.  He thinks I've come a long way in turning around my behavior with drinking.  Yes, to a degree I've drank less irresponsibly in the last couple of years, but I still over-do it at times.  My husband thinks "it's okay" as it only happened a handful of times, but who is he kidding?  I've asked him to please understand, and to not be afraid about what I'm doing.  He said, "I just don't want you to be sad and down."  And it hit me, while I feel confident and strong about not drinking this time, I've not shown him that side of me.  Somehow, I need to figure how to balance this all out.

And wouldn't you know it, the financial blog I read, The Simple Dollar, had this post by Trent Hamm, which hit home for me again in regards to what I'm dealing with on this sober path:

Avoid dependence and vices.

When you rely on a substance to help you manage the challenges of day to day life, you’re giving up a lot of your personal freedom for momentary peace of mind. The resources – time, money, energy, health – you give to that vice make your problem worse, and all you get in return is a few fleeting moments of an altered state. It’s an exchange that simply isn’t worth it.

One of the single most powerful steps you can take toward escaping the poverty trap is to simply eliminate your dependence on any vices – alcohol, cigarettes, opioids, marijuana, other drugs, anything. If you consume something that isn’t necessary to continue your life and do so as a matter of habit, it is taking you away from where you want to be in life because of the resources it consumes. Not only that, vices typically alter your mental state, causing you to make poor decisions while under the influence of that vice.

It can be very hard to break away from an addiction, but one thing you can do that helps is to start building new relationships in your life and, at the same time, start de-emphasizing relationships with people who share that vice. When you spend time with people who have a particular vice, you’re often drawn to share in it; when you spend time with people who do not have that vice, you’re less incentivized to continue, not just because of the social aspect, but because of the patterns you observe.

If you find yourself indulging in vices when alone, seek help. Talk to a medical professional and do whatever it takes to break your personal connection to that vice.

The part where Trent writes, "start de-emphasizing relationships with people who share the vice." hit me hard between the eyes.  If my husband had read this, he for sure would be freakin' out.  No wonder my husband is so fearful.

I have to hold on to faith everything will work out for the best.  I have to.

This Time

Happy Friday Everyone!

I first tried to stop drinking in April of 2015 after a particularly bad night of drinking, where there was drama.  I was so ashamed of my behavior, I started a sub-journal on my drinking problem.  I vowed to quit right then and there.  Didn't happen.

Then I tried to stop drinking again, January of 2016, I made it to super bowl Sunday.  At that time, I was in such despair, because while I knew I needed to stop drinking, I didn't want to.  I fought everyday in January of 2016 to NOT drink.  It was exhausting.  When January was over, I felt like I had accomplished the biggest goal ever (how sad to write this).  So when super bowl Sunday rolled around, I just couldn't hold on any longer.  I gave in.  Needless to say, I had the worse hangover ever the following day.

I didn't jump right back into my daily drinking, I managed to keep my drinking to 10 days or less during the next few months, but then summer came, and....

So I've been trying to stop drinking for almost three years now and this time, I think I'm finally at the turning point of never going backwards again.

This time, I'm not fighting myself.  This time, I'm not in despair about giving up alcohol.  This time, I really want the freedom of not drinking ever.

This time, I'm going to do it!

10

Ten days down.  The days are adding up fast!

Last night I woke at 1:30 a.m., and all I kept thinking was "why"?  Why do I want to drink?  At first, I kept telling myself because it brings pleasure, which is true to a degree, the first two glasses, yes.  Of course, the problem begins when it becomes 3, 4, 5 glasses, etc.  But why do I keep swaying to "why"?  I know my brain chemistry is all messed up from drinking heavy for years, and I have to have faith, with time, my brain will adjust.  And from all I've read and heard, this is a truth.  But I'm stuck on the "why".

The "why" matters, I know.  But, I won't worry about "why".  I only need to focus on the "how" for now.  With more sober time, I think I'll get closer to the "why" and maybe this will open even more enlightenment for me, maybe.  If it doesn't, well, that's not the end of the world, is it?

Here's to day 11!

Relapse

I've been thinking on how I make sure, this time, not to relapse.  So I've been searching and reading blogs in particular to the relapse issue and I found on "taking a new path" blog, from January 2014, the following:

“What do we say to the God of wine?” Not today.”

‘Relapse is not uncommon in early recovery because individuals are learning what changes they must make to live a sober life. The relapse can be a learning experience in how to develop better coping skills and get through difficult experiences without the use of alcohol or drugs.’

And this resonated with me, because the lapse after my birthday has been of a different vein.  I have learned how to better cope with "not" drinking.  I know it's possible to have fun, relax, and cope without drinking at all, but there is still the draw of the initial feeling of a glass of wine.  And I find I want that when I am feeling happy and content.  Further reading on this subject, says this is not unusual at all.  While I am very motivated and determined not to drink, I know this draw will happen eventually.   

I realized, for myself, when I was drinking during my thirties and up to my mid-forties, I didn't think (or rather, I didn't feel) I had a problem with alcohol.  Sure I drank a lot.  I drank on weekends with friends, on vacation and holidays, at special occasions, etc.  And yes, there were plenty of times I drank way too much, did stupid things and had hangovers, etc.  But I didn't feel bad about any of it.  It was about 46 or so, when I changed drinking to a daily habit, and I changed my choice of alcohol to wine.  Like so many, it became a crutch.  Then it became a burden.  And then it became something I could not control (really, I hadn't controlled it prior, but as I wrote, I wasn't concerned).  

As I am in a good frame of mind these days, and all the fun and games have subsided from the holidays, I feel secure in holding strong; I know I need to be better prepared for the sneaking, "just a couple glasses of wine" talk in my head.  It will come, BUT it doesn't mean I have to give up.

Not this time!

Rainy Days

I love rainy days!  Not so much when I have to drive into work by 7 a.m.  Southern California so needs the rain, and as I'm in a very good place with my mind set these days, I choose to enjoy the wet, cold rain driving in this morning.  It wasn't so bad. 

Now if only my umbrella wouldn't have malfunctioned getting out of the car, the morning would have been almost perfect! 

Happy Tuesday everyone!

7

Day 7 completed as planned!  On day 8 now and feeling very well.  As I wrote on Day 1, my short term goal is to see the numbers grow, and they are!

I'm in a complete different frame of mind this time around, as I'm not feeling as I lost anything by not drinking.  I pray this frame of mind last a very long time, but if it doesn't, I have wonderful advice from many great bloggers which I will take!

Happy Monday!

Worth Dying For

Sunday morning is almost gone.  I woke up and read in bed until 10:30 a.m.  I love to read.  I could read all day and night, it's my escape.  I made it through my first Friday and Saturday night without drinking.  Last year, after my birthday in August, I would drink both nights at times, or sometimes only Friday, or sometimes only Saturday, but I was drinking on weekends.  So it's been a long while where I've not drank through a weekend and it wasn't too hard, as I'm still in my "strong phase".  I'm still feeling positive.  I still believe I am losing nothing at all by not drinking, which I know is a fact.  But I also know the mind plays tricks, and there will be challenges down the road.  For now, I'm okay.

I'm going to spend a few hours on errands/chores, then I'm going to read.  I'm reading the series of books by Lee Child, the Jack Reacher novels.  I'm finishing the "Worth Dying For" book.  Talk about a hunk of a man!  Plus, alcohol isn't worth dying for, but staying sober, at all cost, is...

p.s. I know Tom Cruise has played the character of Jack Reacher in movies, but I haven't seen any of them.  I prefer to keep Jack looking like the kind of man my mind has conjured up!

5

The fifth day has arrived, and it’s Friday!  The weekend evenings are the hardest to get through in the early days of giving up alcohol.  We all know this.  I’m in a good place, so I know I will get through tonight for sure.  So I thought for today’s reflections I would write the top five reasons why I shouldn’t drink.

1. Health reasons; too much alcohol is a poison, wreaks havoc on the body
2. Hangovers; as I’ve gotten older, I just can’t recoup from the damage of too much alcohol
3. Relationships; I’m not a good drunk, I get bitchy and mean to those I love and care about, I don’t want to hurt anyone, anymore because of drinking
4. Self-Esteem; I’ve beaten myself up for far too many years because of my problem with drinking, if I don’t drink, this will go away
5. Finances; I’m a frugal person by nature, except in the area of buying alcohol and/or going out to consume alcohol; I know I’ll see more money in my hands by not drinking at all

So my top five reasons to not drink EVER again.  There are many more reasons not to drink, no doubt about it, but for now, listing the top five will do!

Happy Friday everyone!

Little by Little

I read the blog, The Simple Dollar, regularly.  It was originally started by Trent Hamm on his journey to becoming financially fit.  He became very successful with a following and eventually sold his site to a larger group to maintain.  He still writes for the blog.  I continue to enjoy his post, even though the site itself isn’t as personable, but I digress.  Trent writes primarily on matters of money, but he’s grown to incorporate a number of other facets of life into his blog which ultimately tie into his philosophy on frugality. Today, he wrote something at the end of his blog which made sense, to me, in terms of what I’m feeling about “my process” to get sober:

The key thing to always remember with a process like this is that it takes time. People always want immediate results that appear like magic. Improving yourself takes time, and then it takes even more time for the effects of that improvement to propagate out into your life. The key thing with this is to remember that you are getting better, little by little. If you strive to be a little better than the day before, you’re always heading in the right direction, and given enough time, that change will ripple out into the world.

This really is a simple yet brilliant system for genuine self-improvement. It can help you change your character as a whole or help you bring about true lasting improvement in specific areas of your life. The key is to trust the process – keep doing this over a long period of time and you’ll find yourself in a better place.

Another sign I'm going in the right direction.  J

3

I like the number 3, it's one of my favorites!

Hang in there everyone who is starting January as their beginning to freedom from alcohol!

Go over and check out Mummy was a Secret Drinkers blog, she posted links to two different interviews she did yesterday!  She really has a way with words to describe how the "wine witch" is possible to beat.  I'm so thrilled for her!!

New Beginnings

It's a quiet day. 

I'm in a good mind space.

I'm ready to be really free.

I don't always know what to write about my drinking.  I don't like focusing on how bad it could get at times.  So as I'm not going to drink, I can focus on other things.  For now, I just want to get some momentum going with sober days.  I want to see the number grow from 1 to 5 to 10, etc.  That will be my goal for awhile.